bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Okay. I have a YouTube account. I have a Google account. I mainly use it as a backup email and storage depository for fics that I've either written or that I like. I don't make videos on YouTube. I only WATCH videos on YouTube. I have done so for years. It is one of my main ways I keep distracted when the badness inevitably starts in my head. I have swallowed stupid design changes with minimal complaint until now. Now, they have redesigned YouTube channels in favor of creators. You are now REQUIRED to have a channel trailer. I have only ever uploaded one video to YouTube at the request of someone who asked me to, and I have no plans to ever upload more.

I am a private person. I am a boring person. I barely leave my house. Hell, if I could physically get away with not saying a word to anyone sometimes, I would do it. I mainly have my YouTube account to keep track of my playlists of videos I like. I occasionally comment on something. That's it. I don't give a flying fuck about subscribers, being "connected" or any of that bullshit, yet now I'm required to have a Google+ page for my YouTube or my account gets deleted? That fucking sucks. And we're being FORCED to upgrade to the damn thing!

Newsflash, Google: Not everyone wants to "Connect". Not everyone wants to "Share". Not everyone thinks new and improved is automatically better. And no one I know of appreciates being forced into things against their will just to use a service like YouTube. The new changes bite donkey dick. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I prefer the old YouTube. I would rather not be forced to integrate two services I would appreciate keeping separate, thank you very much. I want to keep the username I've always had. I want my old purple background on my channel page, not some utilitarian thing that looks like absolute shit. And I don't want to be forced to have a Google+ page that I have NO damn intentions of using, EVER. I like my privacy. I could give a fuck less about interacting on Google+.

I don't want my services connected. I just want to watch my videos and store them the way I always did. Why is it that no site seems to care about its user base anymore?

Sometimes technology royally blows.

And that's my rant for today.

I may go cry now.

Take care, LJ!

I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I just do. I don't even know what to call this. There are times when I'm absolutely disgusted with myself and my state of being. I guess you could call it self-hatred, but I really don't think it's vehement enough to call hatred. Just the feeling that, if I were someone else, I would not choose to associate with myself.  I irritate myself. That seems like a pathetic thing to say, but it's the truth.  I'm so dependent on my family that I feel like a child. A child that pays bills and other adult-ish type things, but a child nonetheless. Sometimes I just want to scream. I want to cry. I want to give up.

But, I figure I'm here for a reason. Maybe someone out there will need me for something one day. So, I will hang on, even though it sometimes feels like I'm being shoved off a cliff with no net to catch me. Is there ever an age when you feel like a complete grown-up? I mean, legally, here in the US, 18 is voting age, 21 is drinking age, but when do you REALLY grow up? I don't feel like I've reached it yet.

I'm creeping up on 29, which, frankly, scares the shit out of me more than any other age I've been fortunate enough to obtain. My mother died at 28. I thought by this point in my life, I'd have at least accomplished something that felt meaningful to me, but I haven't yet. I find that frustrating.  Mainly because I have no concrete idea of how to go about being the person I wish I was.

I don't even know if that makes any sense to anyone. Most people my age have husbands, wives, or kids. I'm alone and under my family too much to know what the hell I want. I guess just to know I could survive on my own if i needed to.  I want some room to breathe, for fuck's sake. I never get it here. No one seems to get me here. And lord, didn't that sound like teenage angst?


I'm going to watch Buffy kick some vampire butt, before I come completely unraveled.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Can anyone guess what my favorite swear word has been lately? in starts with an "F". I should preface this by saying that "fuck" is a word I try to use sparingly. For me, it's like the Cool Whip of swear words, if you will. But lately, I've been using that one like it's going out of style.  I'm fighting the urge to just roll over and give up. I have a lot of anger coming from somewhere inside me, and swearing helps release the tension I feel. I figure that could only be a good thing,

All I really want is to feel calm and rested. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?

Too bad life is still throwing curve balls at my damn head too fast for me to even contemplate catching them.

My grandmother's husband, who is for all intents and purposes, my grandfather, has a spot on his lung that may or may not be cancer.

Have I mentioned how much I hate that disease?

I really fucking hate it.

I keep having flashbacks  to my dad.

I miss him so much.

I'm not suicidal now, just angry.

I want to hurt something.

I want to hit something.

I am angry, and I wish I could hurt. But I'm not allowed to

*growls at the world in general*


Dec. 29th, 2010 07:27 am
bleedingangel84: (Default)
A/N: Please forgive this. I just got some bad news today, and this decided to spawn itself. It's not a happy story, so don't say I didn't warn you. Might trigger, so be safe, please. No one is dead in RL, but this was apparently lurking in my brain, and some of it is based on my life. Make of that what you will, and please feel free to share what you think. Feedback and support would be very appreciated right now.

Play me a sweet song. It's one that I heard a long time ago. I can only half remember the melody, and it haunts my dreams like a long-forgotten ghost whose presence lingers on the earth long after his body has ceased to be even ash. His pain is the only impression now, so sad. Did some loving daughter call him father? Did he whisper his 'I-love yous' as she dreamed, while the scent of whiskey hung heavy on his breath? He wanted to avoid the pain in her eyes.

She had once idolized him. Now, that was no more, and it pained him. He had tried again to apologize, but failed. It fell against her skin like broken glass, wounding her. The 'sorry' was too overused, like the greasy rags in his shop. He planted wet, alcohol scented kisses on her head, and she wanted to flinch away. She stayed, though. That was the only time he ever kissed her at all, and she was grateful for that, even when the smell of bourbon made her light-headed. The kisses were sloppy, half-landed things that she wanted to bask in. She wanted to be simply another little girl whose daddy would kiss her goodnight. He pulled away to take another drink. She cried.

He would destroy himself, and it would happen before her eyes. He didn't want to hurt her, he was simply caught up in a storm of his own creation. He wanted to be so much dust in the cyclone, just blown about by the wind. Instead he was the storm, burning himself out to end the pain she was too young and ignorant to share, and so he blew himself out like a candle while she stood on the horizon, clutching her arms toward herself in a pseudo-hug, wishing he was there to hold her, still. He used to make he feel safe.  Now, she stands alone, feeling broken, and follows his memory into the darkness of his pain.

It is over quickly. She barely noticed the blade, feeling instead the relief that came with not being. She had only tried to be good. But, she was never enough. Never right. Now there are two ghosts, mere shades, gliding through the night with sad eyes.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Title: Right There With You
Author: bleedingangel84
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: R
Summary: Harry has a nightmare. Draco is there to comfort him. Disclaimer: Characters belong to J. K. Rowling and related copyright holders. I am merely borrowing them. Don't sue.
Warnings: This is short, somewhat angsty fluff that deals with religious themes. There is also crude language in certain areas. I mean no offense to anyone.
Notes: This was my first completed attempt at Harry/Draco slash. I haven't worked up to explicit erotic material, but I hope to one day. Feedback/criticism is totally welcome. Enjoy!  This is also at Adult Fan Fiction under my penname, vampirekisses. That's me, so this isn't stolen.

Flangsty fic under the cut... )


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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