bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I know too many people who are dealing or have dealt with this. I've lost people to this, and it's really a horrible feeling. The worst part is the helplessness that comes with it. It feels like there is nothing you can do but sit and wait for whatever will happen to happen, and it royally sucks. Watching my daddy take treatments was hard. I felt lost and sick, like my world had been turned upside down and inside out.  If cancer were a person, I would beat it up, kill it, resuscitate it, beat it more, and then kill it again.

I close my eyes sometimes at night and picture cancer as this series of dark black balls that I shoot with light until they dissolve from everyone facing cancer. I pray that everyone and anyone touched by cancer never gives up hope. Sometimes hope is all we have, even when it seems to be hanging by a thread. I miss my dad today. Very much. I hate that cancer took him before I was ready for him to go, but I am beyond grateful he doesn't hurt now. He loves me from wherever he is, and I feel that all the time now in a way that I didn't when he was physically alive.

I don't have to wonder if he loved me anymore, because there's not a doubt in my mind he did, even if he couldn't always show it in ways I needed. He felt it, and that's enough.

I'm not sure where this is coming from, or exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this.  I just know there are too many people around me dealing with this thing right now, and I wish somehow that I could take it from them and make their lives better. Healthier. Happier. Health is the ideal state for our bodies, and I want that for everyone.Sometimes things happen  that we have no control over, but I'm making an effort to see positive in regards to cancer. Human will is a strong and powerful thing. Disease can be overcome, and darkness makes the light that much brighter when it does come.

Hope everyone is well.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Can anyone guess what my favorite swear word has been lately? in starts with an "F". I should preface this by saying that "fuck" is a word I try to use sparingly. For me, it's like the Cool Whip of swear words, if you will. But lately, I've been using that one like it's going out of style.  I'm fighting the urge to just roll over and give up. I have a lot of anger coming from somewhere inside me, and swearing helps release the tension I feel. I figure that could only be a good thing,

All I really want is to feel calm and rested. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?

Too bad life is still throwing curve balls at my damn head too fast for me to even contemplate catching them.

My grandmother's husband, who is for all intents and purposes, my grandfather, has a spot on his lung that may or may not be cancer.

Have I mentioned how much I hate that disease?

I really fucking hate it.

I keep having flashbacks  to my dad.

I miss him so much.

I'm not suicidal now, just angry.

I want to hurt something.

I want to hit something.

I am angry, and I wish I could hurt. But I'm not allowed to

*growls at the world in general*

bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father passed away this morning. I feel numb and sad, but I am so glad he's not hurting. Seeing him struggling to breathe near the end was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It was painful to hear. It feels so odd not to have him here. I just miss knowing he was always in the next room. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like someone let the air out of me and I'm not sure what to do with myself.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father had to go to the hospital yesterday morning at 4:00AM. He had been coughing up blood. He is on blood thinners because of previously mentioned blood clots in his lungs to keep him from forming others. They told him this was normal and SENT HIM HOME. (Dumb asses!) He got back home at around 8:15AM and was doing okay. Around 2:00PM, he told me to call my grandmother because he needed to go back to the hospital, but she wasn't at home. Her husband answered and said that he would take my father. I couldn't have taken him myself, because I'm physically disabled, and cannot drive.

My father was too weak at that point to even make it out to the vehicle. He couldn't breathe. So, I called 911, and it took about twenty minutes for them to get there. I have never in my life been so scared. He told the EMT that he was drowning in his own blood. I couldn't do anything but sit there and pray, feeling helpless. We waited for what felt like forever for news. Anyway, they admitted him last night, and they're trying to find out what is causing the bleeding. They've said it could be the cancer, the blood thinners, or something else entirely.  His white cell count was elevated as well, which means there is an infection somewhere. Goody. At any rate, they have him stabilized, so that's at least a little bit positive. He's breathing much better, and ate some food last night.

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can handle without cracking up. I want so much to be there for my dad, but I feel so useless. I can't drive, so I can't even take him to treatments or anything. I try to make sure to tell him I love him every day, and to ask if he needs help, but it's very rare that he lets me do anything for him.  Oh, how I wish I could take his cancer away. It hurts so badly to have to watch and wait, and see him go through all this and be able to do nothing. Sometimes, I just want a break from all this,  And then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I just want to fly away from it all. I'm trying to hold it together, but in all honesty, I'm not sure what to do.I feel at loose ends since all this started, and it's awful.


Feb. 12th, 2011 11:26 pm
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I don't know. Lately, it seems like many people that I know are dealing with this illness, including a fandom author that I know of, [ profile] ethelnorthbrook . She has written some great fictions. Her treatments are very expensive, and she's running short of funds. She's offering some incentives in the form of her published e-books if you donate, so if you're so inclined, click the link to her journal for more info.

On a related tangent, I really hate cancer. My father was recently diagnosed, and is taking/has taken a long time for me to begin to adjust to everything that goes with this illness. If cancer were a human being, I'd like to beat it to a pulp, burn it and dance over its ashes. I wish the illness didn't exist at all. So, check out [ profile] ethelnorthbrook , read her fics, and if you'd like help her out. I know she'd really appreciate that, as she has enough on her mind without thinking about money in addition to breast cancer treatment. I'm not one to beg, but I hate to see anyone struggle with this illness. Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well.


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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