Today

Apr. 22nd, 2015 11:09 pm
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Today, I wanted to die. Suicide still seems tempting, if I'm completely honest. I'm not looking for attention. I don't mean to worry people. I just want to say one thing: I am more than just my limitations. Sometimes it's really very easy to forget that when my family seems to emphasize them. I know I will feel this way again at some point in the future. I've gone through crying, and I've added pissed as fuck into the mix. As well as feeling guilty for wanting to end things, but it's how I feel. My quality of life is nearly nowhere, and the only thing that makes my existence somewhat tolerable is fandom. That, and my family, are part of what make me stay.And one of the people whom I stay for is also contributing to this issue, so that just makes things worse.I just want to scream. I feel like I look ahead, and all I see is bleak and blank nothing. That said, I'm not giving up. I want to, but I won't.
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
There are days when life seems like a bitter pill that I'm forced to swallow. Days when I wake up and just feel like stepping out of my skin. I want to scream. These last few days have been odd. On the surface of it, I'm fine. I'm eating, sleeping, and functioning. And that's all good, right?

But, there's the other side of things that keeps creeping up. Sometimes I think dying would be a relief. I'm sick of my body. I'm sick of limitations and having no one around but my family. I love them, don't mistake me. But, it would be so nice to have someone else in my support system besides them.

I'm around them so much that their very presence is an irritant sometimes. And I depend on them, so it's semi-inevitable. I just...*sigh*...I don't even know what to say now. Words are beyond this. I just feel like howling.

All of that said, if any of you feel so inclined, may I please have a hug?

Ugghh...

Sep. 22nd, 2014 03:47 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I just wanna cry. I mean hard down bawl.  I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I want to fucking scream. Or cut. Or something. I don't even know. I just wish I didn't feel the way I do right now.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.

Blech...

Jan. 19th, 2014 08:55 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm having one of those days. I really feel like being self destructive right now, and I'm trying not to. I'm trying soo hard, and I want to sooo badly. I've had a really shit day and for some reason I want to take that out on myself, which I know probably sounds like the stupidest thing ever, but...yeah. It's how I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I want to. I want it so much that I might be scared if I actually had the energy to do anything.  I know it's probably just because I'm tired and feeling like poo someone has trod on several times, so I will do the sensible thing and attempt to make myself sleep. Shit. Sometimes I hate being an adult.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm really struggling lately with the desire to engage in some self-destructive behaviors. The urges are in my mind a lot lately. I haven't given in to anything, but the thought is there in my head. There is a certain person who seems to be setting this thought off a lot, and I can't get away from her. I have no intentions of acting on these thoughts, but the fact that they are in my head at all really bothers me.  Part of my head is begging me to act on them, but the more rational (thankfully larger) part of me knows it's not a good idea. I feel like I'm hurting somewhere deep inside on a level I can't even describe. It has nothing to do with physical pain.

It's more of a soul-deep, animalistic urge to howl until I get all the hurt out of me. I hurt inside, and I can't pinpoint why. I've been busier and much more active lately, but I still feel lonely and isolated. There's no one I know who can help me address that feeling. Talking about it with my family only makes me feel worse. And most of the people I consider friend enough to talk this over with are either busy, far away, online or some combination of all three of those. I'm on emotional overload, and I feel ready to explode if I don't find some way to feel better soon.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
How is it that family can always make you feel worse about yourself?

I wish I knew.

I get tired of people commenting on my weight, period.

I have issues with food that make it extremely triggering.

I used to be very overweight when I was growing up.

Through controlling my portions and exercise, I lost a lot of weight.

I developed a fear of eating and food that made it difficult to eat.

There were whole food groups I was afraid to even get anywhere near, I avoided eating whenever I could and I was absolutely terrified of sugar or fattening foods.

Physically, I was a healthy weight, so I got told I didn't have an eating disorder whenever I brought it up with my family. I just had weird issues with food, but I was still eating, so it wasn't a problem.

Nevermind that I was cold all the time and my hair started to fall out.

I didn't get skeletal thin or have changes in my cycle, but every time I ate, I would feel guilty. I absolutely had to walk in place for three miles every day, or the world would collapse.

Things are different now.

I no longer avoid any food groups. I now allow myself to eat things like cookies and chocolate.

I still keep track of what I eat, monitor my portion sizes and keep track of my calories, but I'm not as restrictive in my eating as I was.

I still try to eat healthily, but I no longer feel as guilty when I have things like chips or chocolate.

Overall, I'd say my attitude toward food is generally healthier than it has been in quite some time.

I don't eat massive portions of anything, but I eat until I feel satisfied.

I'm enjoying the flavors in food again.

I'm not massively overweight, nor underweight. I'm at a normal weight for my height.

Clothes-wise, i wear anything from a size 8 in workout gear to a size size 14 in pajama jeans. It just depends on the cut of the material.

I'm healthy now, and I intend to stay that way.

It just hurts when I have people tell me I could still afford to lose weight.

I'm short, and because of the way my body is built, I always look bigger than I am.

I'm not going to pretend I'm suddenly perfect. I'm not anywhere near that, but I worked hard at getting to a good weight for me. I eat healthily and exercise to keep myself there.

I'm not going to punish myself again for not meeting someone else's expectations of what I should be.

I have a right to be proud of being healthy.

But, when people tell me I could still afford to lose a few pounds, it's hard not to want to slip back to bad old habits.

It wasn't meant to be a hurtful thing, but it was, and now I'm fighting to not slip backward on this.

I am healthy. I deserve to STAY healthy, and that means not not letting this force me backward.

*crosses fingers*
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I felt a bit shocked when I found out Mindy McCready had killed herself. I always liked her music, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that she's gone, but I hope that she is free from the pain she experienced in this life. My thoughts and prayers are with her children and family. Remember her for the beautiful gift of music she shared with the world. Rest in peace, Mindy. Thank you for the lovely songs you shared with us. I hope that your soul finds rest on the other side. Blessed be.


I've played the song "I'll See You Yesterday" twice already. So much beauty and pain in that song. I couldn't help crying. I've felt the same things the song describes too many times to count. It was heartbreaking to hear it given voice to so clearly. The song is haunting. Maybe because I know she finally let go. I've always been taught that suicide is a sin, but the Creator that I choose to have faith in would not torture people for being desperate and in pain. That's what suicide is about: pain that feels too big to be contained in one physical body. And I'm sorry, but I don't think being in pain is a crime.

I've lost people I cared for to suicide and found out after the fact. And yes, it hurts like hell to lose them. It makes you wonder. You ask all kinds of questions: Why? How? What could I have done? You feel a little guilty.  What if there was something you could've done to prevent this? The person I lost wasn't a family member. He was a teacher of mine in high school, and in a lot of ways, I felt felt very close to him. We shared common ground in a sense, because he had physical challenges as well. He was a mentor to me. He made me feel that it was possible to do whatever I wanted in spite of my CP. He himself had a birth defect that meant he had no legs,. He had knees, and feet, but he'd been born without legs.

Yet, he went to college and became a teacher. He had a family.  He traveled. He made me love history. He told me he knew I could do whatever I wanted to. It was easier to believe him when he said it, because he'd done it himself. It felt like having the rug pulled out from under me when I heard what had happened, and I felt devastated. But, I also know what it feels like to be suicidal. To feel as if the world would be better if you weren't here. I've struggled and still struggle with that from time to time, so I hold no judgement for anyone who faces suicide. I know it's not easy to live with that kind of pain every day.

Sometimes it seems impossible to overcome it. It's easy to be angry when suicide happens, but it's important to remember that a person is more than the sum of one event. Suicide leaves holes behind, but suicide doesn't somehow make a person less than they have been. Remember the good, the bad, and the imperfect, remember laughter...remember life, not death.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I wish that tears didn't come so easily to me, or so often. I wish I could just stop existing. Period.

In a way, I feel hollow.

I've been keeping my worst thoughts at bay by sleeping when I can.

I exercise a lot.

I watch episodes of Buffy. I eat. I sleep. As far as social interaction, that's near to nil.

I feel like hiding.

I wonder if anyone would care if I just let myself fade out?

I think too much, which I feel is having a negative effect on me.

I just got done reading Growing Pains, by SensiblyTainted for the second time.

Once again, slash distracts from suicidal thinking.

I'll hang on by my teeth until the next happy thing comes along,

I'll feel better for a while until I start thinking too much again, and so my cycle goes.

Sometimes my life is exhausting. It's hard when all I have for company is myself.

Especially when I most often find myself an irritating waste of skin.

Arggh.

I can barely tolerate myself anymore.

I feel like vermin that needs to be exterminated.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Words aren't enough right now. I just want to cry until I'm empty of everything. If I were a wolf or a dog, I would be howling in pain. I wish sometimes that my family was not in my life. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I had to say it. I feel it so much. It's often things they say that make me feel awful about myself. Of course, they don't say it directly about me, but somehow that makes it worse. I already feel like I'm less of a person to them because of my disability. Add to that the fact that my attractions are to people, regardless of gender, be they male, female, or gender-neutral, and it makes me feel even more isolated. 

No one in my immediate vicinity is capable of offering the kind of support that I need. I'm not even sure where to go, what to do...nothing. I feel like screaming. Every time I try to reach out for something, it just feels like something keeps binding me tighter and tighter. I don't fit anywhere here. Gahh, I would give anything just to feel like what I am is enough for someone. That I'm good enough, capable enough, smart enough. Not just some damn burden who never measures up.

I want someone to love me just because I'm me, and not out of obligation or duty. It would be nice to feel necessary to someone, instead of feeling like superfluous garbage.

Maybe that seems silly. I know my family would say that I'm not that, but they make me feel otherwise. Or, like I'm necessary only as something to be dealt with or taken care of. Like a useless little lapdog.

All I know is, I look at my family and sometimes it's so hard to breathe.

It just hurts.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I can't say things are going badly at the moment, but I can't really say that I like my life very much, either. I'm doing okay with most of my resolutions so far.

I suppose that's a plus.  I can't find it in me to care about much, honestly

I can't even say for sure this is depression. I've been depressed, and I don't think this is that. It's just that I'm numb. It's like part of me has given up. I'm isolating more often now, which I know is not good, but it's either that or spend time feeling hurt and angry with people I care about, and I'm done letting them  manipulate me more than I can help. I don't have the emotional energy to stand up against them.
Every day, it's clear to me that, as much as I'm loved, I'm understood even less. I can't depend on my family for support in that sense. It's not that they wouldn't want to support me, but they don't know how, and I don't know how to explain myself to them.

Sometimes it's like I speak a separate language from them, and they can't understand my words, no matter how hard I try to make them understand.

I wonder if this is how my dad felt.

Sometimes I miss him so much, it's like I can barely breathe.

I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, not harder.

I...don't know.

I look forward to sleeping every day, because when I'm sleeping, everything feels less hectic. I don't have to be a certain way. I can relax and just exist however I am at any given moment. No one says that it's right or wrong. I'm not constantly judging myself and coming up short when I'm asleep, so it feels better.

I'm lonely, but that's pretty much the norm for me. I can't say it's comfortable, but it is how it is. Things could be much worse.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
November and December are probably my least favorite months out of the year. There are a few reasons for this:

1. Trying to pick out(or make) the right holiday gifts is very stressful.
2. I feel lonelier at Christmas than any other time of year.
3. Everyone always seems to get colds/ flu/ other illnesses this time of year.
4. The holidays make me think about people I miss, whether I've lost them to dealth or simply life's circumstances.

I'm often left with the feeling that I want to sleep through the last two months of the year. There are several things that make them more bearable, though.

1. There is a lot of great holiday fic around this time that kindles some holiday feeling in my Scrooge-like little heart
2. Spending time with my nephews and my youngest cousin. Hearing them laugh and smile makes me happier than anything else on Earth.
3. Hot tea and comfort food.
4. Fluffy blankets when it gets cold.

I'm feeling a little low right now. I'm trying to work on a few fics and suffering some major doubts about my abilities to write them. It's slow going but I pray I'll have them done in time. I just want to burrow somewhere and not come out till December is done.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm having one of those days when I just want to curl up and cry until I have no tears left. I'm lonely, and that's what hurts worst. I ache inside, and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me that it won't always be like that. I give up.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
God, I can hardly believe that tomorrow will be a year. One whole year since my father died. We spent today at Hobby Lobby, picking things to go on his grave, which was actually much less depressing than it sounds.  My two nephews were with us, and they can always make me smile. Those two boys represent everything that I love about life right now.

They are loving and funny and precious. I used to pray before they were born that they'd be safe and happy. They mean everything to me. Some days, they are all that keeps me from sinking into the mental quicksand I've found myself in lately. I'm trying my best to hold it together and be at least okay, even if happy is beyond me right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo with my sister and my babies, and I will do my best to enjoy the day, despite the heat and the fact that it will be the anniversary of my father's death. He wouldn't have wanted any of us to be sad, I know, but I can't help missing him. My heart hurts.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Why is it that everything is a trigger right now? Everything. I try to distract, to do healthy things, to read, exercise, make myself eat when I'm supposed to, and I'm still so fucking triggered. And bored. I'm listless, lonely and hurting. I try spending time with people, and I'm still so triggered. That made it worse. I tried to make plans. My sister has no money, my aunt has a hurting leg. I'm stuck here, and for fuck's sake, I feel like screaming. I want to get it over with and just cut. Let myself bleed some of this out. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm nothing but a damn burden on the people I care for. I fuck up every relationship, I can't relate well to my family. Even when I'm talking to them, sometimes it feels there is no connection happening. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but it feels like my fault. I don't know how to fix it, or even if there's anything to fix in the first place. Maybe this is some bullshit that's all in my head.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm really thinking about my father a lot lately. I miss him, and part of me wishes that he were still here. I'm happy that he isn't hurting any longer, but there are plenty of things I'd love to share with him that I won't get to now, and I hate that. I'd love to be able to have him here with me again, just to hug him and tell him I love him. Nothing has been at all the same with him gone. For a long time, I felt as if I had no purpose in life now that he wasn't here. I may as well have been dead myself. Thankfully, though, things are getting much better.  I'm still not the greatest in terms of caring for myself, but I no longer regret waking up in the morning, and I'm beginning to care whether or not something happens to me again, so I'd say it a positive step forward, even if it's only a tiny one.

I have several really good friends who make sure that I have support when I need it, and help me to laugh when things are getting rough. I owe my continued existence on this plane to these people. I don't know that I'd have made it without them. I'm grateful beyond words that they are in this world.  I wish them every happiness in life. Few people are more deserving of it.

Also as silly and ludicrous as this might sound to some people. I'm grateful to the Harry Potter fandom. It has been a constant in my life for several years now. I have great friends who have been very supportive through all my roller coasting emotions. I never would've met some of them if not for the fandom. The stories are great, the boys are handsome, and the fangirls and fanboys are amazing people. What's not to love about fandom? It all rocks. Anyway, you guys get my point. Fandom makes my life better.

I'm learning how it feels just to be, without automatically having to apologize for every little thing. Let me tell you, that is HARD work for me.

As far as my resolutions go, I'm still trying to stick to them. Though I haven't really spent as much time with my sister as I'd like to, the other three are going along pretty well. I'm laughing more, writing more, and trying harder to avoid feeling guily when I treat myself or buy things I need. Only time will tell if I mange that last one, but things are getting a little bit better, despite my rough patches.

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