Blech...

Jan. 19th, 2014 08:55 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm having one of those days. I really feel like being self destructive right now, and I'm trying not to. I'm trying soo hard, and I want to sooo badly. I've had a really shit day and for some reason I want to take that out on myself, which I know probably sounds like the stupidest thing ever, but...yeah. It's how I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I want to. I want it so much that I might be scared if I actually had the energy to do anything.  I know it's probably just because I'm tired and feeling like poo someone has trod on several times, so I will do the sensible thing and attempt to make myself sleep. Shit. Sometimes I hate being an adult.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm really struggling lately with the desire to engage in some self-destructive behaviors. The urges are in my mind a lot lately. I haven't given in to anything, but the thought is there in my head. There is a certain person who seems to be setting this thought off a lot, and I can't get away from her. I have no intentions of acting on these thoughts, but the fact that they are in my head at all really bothers me.  Part of my head is begging me to act on them, but the more rational (thankfully larger) part of me knows it's not a good idea. I feel like I'm hurting somewhere deep inside on a level I can't even describe. It has nothing to do with physical pain.

It's more of a soul-deep, animalistic urge to howl until I get all the hurt out of me. I hurt inside, and I can't pinpoint why. I've been busier and much more active lately, but I still feel lonely and isolated. There's no one I know who can help me address that feeling. Talking about it with my family only makes me feel worse. And most of the people I consider friend enough to talk this over with are either busy, far away, online or some combination of all three of those. I'm on emotional overload, and I feel ready to explode if I don't find some way to feel better soon.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Why is it that everything is a trigger right now? Everything. I try to distract, to do healthy things, to read, exercise, make myself eat when I'm supposed to, and I'm still so fucking triggered. And bored. I'm listless, lonely and hurting. I try spending time with people, and I'm still so triggered. That made it worse. I tried to make plans. My sister has no money, my aunt has a hurting leg. I'm stuck here, and for fuck's sake, I feel like screaming. I want to get it over with and just cut. Let myself bleed some of this out. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm nothing but a damn burden on the people I care for. I fuck up every relationship, I can't relate well to my family. Even when I'm talking to them, sometimes it feels there is no connection happening. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but it feels like my fault. I don't know how to fix it, or even if there's anything to fix in the first place. Maybe this is some bullshit that's all in my head.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
A/N: Trigger Warning-contains discussion of eating disorders and related issues. This poem is what recovery feels like to me when I'm having a hard time. This was written as a kind of catharsis for me. I have no idea why it feels easier to express these things in poetic form, but there you have it. If you have any feedback, it's highly welcome. Support is also highly appreciated. The lowercase title is because days like that are when I feel bad about myself, so they deserve lowercase letters. Illogical logic, I know, but if e.e. cummings can be quirky, why not me? So, on with the scribbles!




This is my brain when it's been eaten by an eating disorder...or not... )
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Heart bleeding,
eyes run clear.

Emptiness fills me.
Death lingers in
my thoughts
like the scent of
stale perfume.

He is gone.
Left me behind
like an empty shell-
Broken and jagged-
Resting on shifting sands.

Carry me away, to a place
where pain cannot hurt-please.
Blood flows from a self-made wound-
only a temporary peace.

I look up at you- and smile.
"I'm fine."

Storms

Dec. 29th, 2010 07:27 am
bleedingangel84: (Default)
A/N: Please forgive this. I just got some bad news today, and this decided to spawn itself. It's not a happy story, so don't say I didn't warn you. Might trigger, so be safe, please. No one is dead in RL, but this was apparently lurking in my brain, and some of it is based on my life. Make of that what you will, and please feel free to share what you think. Feedback and support would be very appreciated right now.

Play me a sweet song. It's one that I heard a long time ago. I can only half remember the melody, and it haunts my dreams like a long-forgotten ghost whose presence lingers on the earth long after his body has ceased to be even ash. His pain is the only impression now, so sad. Did some loving daughter call him father? Did he whisper his 'I-love yous' as she dreamed, while the scent of whiskey hung heavy on his breath? He wanted to avoid the pain in her eyes.

She had once idolized him. Now, that was no more, and it pained him. He had tried again to apologize, but failed. It fell against her skin like broken glass, wounding her. The 'sorry' was too overused, like the greasy rags in his shop. He planted wet, alcohol scented kisses on her head, and she wanted to flinch away. She stayed, though. That was the only time he ever kissed her at all, and she was grateful for that, even when the smell of bourbon made her light-headed. The kisses were sloppy, half-landed things that she wanted to bask in. She wanted to be simply another little girl whose daddy would kiss her goodnight. He pulled away to take another drink. She cried.

He would destroy himself, and it would happen before her eyes. He didn't want to hurt her, he was simply caught up in a storm of his own creation. He wanted to be so much dust in the cyclone, just blown about by the wind. Instead he was the storm, burning himself out to end the pain she was too young and ignorant to share, and so he blew himself out like a candle while she stood on the horizon, clutching her arms toward herself in a pseudo-hug, wishing he was there to hold her, still. He used to make he feel safe.  Now, she stands alone, feeling broken, and follows his memory into the darkness of his pain.

It is over quickly. She barely noticed the blade, feeling instead the relief that came with not being. She had only tried to be good. But, she was never enough. Never right. Now there are two ghosts, mere shades, gliding through the night with sad eyes.

RL issues

Dec. 20th, 2010 04:45 am
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father is not doing well. I'm worried and frustrated. He won't go to the hospital. He's had either two or three rounds of antibiotics and tons of other medicine and inhalers and all that mess. He got better and worse them better, and now, worse again.  They wanted to admit him last time he went to the doctor. He could barely breathe. I am so scared of what might happen, angry and frustrated. I wish I could make myself not angry. just wave a wand and make him better. He's the one sick, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm horrible for being so selfish. Uggh. I'm not handling this well at all.

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bleedingangel84

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