bleedingangel84: (pansies)
I love LJ. Only here have I met people who love Harry Potter as much as I do. I feel like I can breathe and decompress here. Here, I can ask for support and actually receive it. I've learned a lot about myself in my time here, some of it not always pleasant. But, I am what I am, and that's okay. I don't always like myself, my life, or my body. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I think things that would probably scare or worry other people. Sometimes I care too much what others think. And there are other times I don't give a fat, fucking shit what people think, when I'm just too tired to care anymore and say fuck it.

I apologize every other breath sometimes. It's a survival instinct, I think. If people don't hate me, they're more likely not to resent having to be burdened with caring for me. I don't think anyone could ever hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. I'm working on that, and I'll probably be working on it for as long as I draw breath. I have plenty of flaws, I know. Physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise. I'm a human being, and thus inherently imperfect. I fuck up a lot. I'm afraid a lot. Sometimes I'm a coward. Sometimes I'm brave. Sometimes I'm smart, and there are others when I feel completely like a dumbass.

I cry way too often, and I don't laugh enough. I'm lonely too much of the time, but I'm fine with being alone. I resent the fact that everyone always seems to wonder why I don't date. No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be fine with a cat a book. Or a dog, maybe. Anyway, I just don't think I'd make a very stable partner for anyone, so I'm choosing not to engage right now. I have enough trouble making myself care about myself without adding anyone else's expectations into my life. I couldn't be the kind of partner i want to be, so I'd rather forgo that arena for the time being.

That said, sometimes I still need people. I know this. I need them badly. My main social outlets in the physical world are all connected in some way with my family, which I don't feel is healthy. It makes me feel more emotionally crippled than I am physically, and that just makes me feel bad. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but apparently it needed to come out. I feel better. If anyone feels like commenting, feel free. I'm not sure why this exists, but I feel lighter. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
So, 2014 has been more or less peaceful so far. I've spent the last few days reading V. C. Andrews' Dollanganger series for the first time. Those books are (for me) extremely thought-provoking. I've been wanting to read them for years upon years and finally decided to go for it and order them with some of my Christmas gift card money. And for once, I did not feel guilty. I really wanted them, so I got them. I also got another series of books I've been wanting to read for years. As silly as this might sound, I am proud of myself for doing that. I had been talking myself out of getting them for a long time because I didn't feel as if I deserved them. It felt frivolous and wrong to spend money on pleasure when I could save the money for a rainy day. I used to always feel twinges of guilt when I spent money on anything for myself, because I felt that was selfish. This is one of the first times ever I haven't felt massive guilt for getting something I wanted that I chose for myself.

I'm afraid of being criticized by my relatives. Most of the time, they very much are not shy about voicing their beliefs and opinions. Most of the time, their opinions also happen to be the antithesis of my own, so life among them can get rather emotionally painful at times. That is why I'm so grateful for my friends, who give me the support my family is oftentimes too narrow-minded to give. I can't blame them for this. They do the best they know how, but they don't realize how much some words and actions can hurt. Try as I might to tell them, it's hard to bring attention to a problem that no one but you actually sees as a problem.

I'm doing my best to stay true to what I feel is right, regardless of whether anyone in my "real" life agrees with my opinions or not. It's freeing to realize that I can have my own opinions on matters. I am, quite frankly, grateful to be different from those I was born into. I'm not saying that either of us is any better or worse than the other, but I am deeply thankful not to be quite as close-minded as those around me. I can let them be and still be myself. And that is an incredible realization because for the longest time, I felt like I was swimming against a tide that was pulling me under.

Things aren't perfect. I still get frustrated by close-minded attitudes, but the positive is, I don't share them. Closed-minded people are almost pitiful, because there is so much good in the word they don't see.

I was going to add my New Year's Resolutions to this post, but I think I've been long-winded enough in this one, so I'll put those in a separate post. Hope everyone is well. <3
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Today, I got called a snitch. No, not the kind with wings from HP, but the kind who tells on people.

And I suppose I am, but here's the deal:

I've been subscribed to a guy on YouTube for several years now. Many of his videos are of a personal nature. He discusses his feelings about himself and his issues with various things in his life.

I recently went looking for one of his videos so I could watch it again, only to discover that he'd taken the original down. What the reason for this is, I have no idea and it is well within his right.

However, I  did another search for the video on the off chance he may have re-uploaded it, only to find that another user had posted his video in order to share it with others.

While I appreciated the opportunity to see the video again, I felt it was only right that the original poster of the video be notified that someone else had posted one of his personal videos, even if it was coming from a good place. So I left a comment on the video asking the guy who had re-uploaded it if he had the original poster's permission. I then proceeded to leave a comment for the original poster of the video letting him know who the other user was and that his video had been re-uploaded by him and asking if the guy had permission from him.

Apparently, no permission was had, because the guy left me a reply sarcastically thanking me for "being a little snitch" to the original guy.

Anyway, my question is, did I do the right thing or not? The guy meant no harm in sharing the video, and I knew that, but I felt it was not right to share it without the owner's permission.

It bothers me being called a snitch, but I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time.

It was somewhat reminiscent of plagiarism in my mind, though the guy never claimed to be the one in the video.

So, I don't know. What's the etiquette for that sort of thing?

I left a comment for the guy apologizing and explaining why I did what I did. I let him know that I didn't bear him any ill will.

He deleted the video after he replied to my first comment.  I didn't ask him to take it down. I just asked him to check with the original poster to see if having it up was okay with him.

I feel mixed emotions about this, but it is really bugging me, so I thought I might write about it here and get some other opinions on the matter. I never meant any harm or bad feeling to stem from it, but apparently it has anyway, and that upsets me a lot.

Did I do a good thing, or was I making a big deal out of nothing?

Any thoughts on this? Please share.

Thank you.

bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I felt a bit shocked when I found out Mindy McCready had killed herself. I always liked her music, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that she's gone, but I hope that she is free from the pain she experienced in this life. My thoughts and prayers are with her children and family. Remember her for the beautiful gift of music she shared with the world. Rest in peace, Mindy. Thank you for the lovely songs you shared with us. I hope that your soul finds rest on the other side. Blessed be.

I've played the song "I'll See You Yesterday" twice already. So much beauty and pain in that song. I couldn't help crying. I've felt the same things the song describes too many times to count. It was heartbreaking to hear it given voice to so clearly. The song is haunting. Maybe because I know she finally let go. I've always been taught that suicide is a sin, but the Creator that I choose to have faith in would not torture people for being desperate and in pain. That's what suicide is about: pain that feels too big to be contained in one physical body. And I'm sorry, but I don't think being in pain is a crime.

I've lost people I cared for to suicide and found out after the fact. And yes, it hurts like hell to lose them. It makes you wonder. You ask all kinds of questions: Why? How? What could I have done? You feel a little guilty.  What if there was something you could've done to prevent this? The person I lost wasn't a family member. He was a teacher of mine in high school, and in a lot of ways, I felt felt very close to him. We shared common ground in a sense, because he had physical challenges as well. He was a mentor to me. He made me feel that it was possible to do whatever I wanted in spite of my CP. He himself had a birth defect that meant he had no legs,. He had knees, and feet, but he'd been born without legs.

Yet, he went to college and became a teacher. He had a family.  He traveled. He made me love history. He told me he knew I could do whatever I wanted to. It was easier to believe him when he said it, because he'd done it himself. It felt like having the rug pulled out from under me when I heard what had happened, and I felt devastated. But, I also know what it feels like to be suicidal. To feel as if the world would be better if you weren't here. I've struggled and still struggle with that from time to time, so I hold no judgement for anyone who faces suicide. I know it's not easy to live with that kind of pain every day.

Sometimes it seems impossible to overcome it. It's easy to be angry when suicide happens, but it's important to remember that a person is more than the sum of one event. Suicide leaves holes behind, but suicide doesn't somehow make a person less than they have been. Remember the good, the bad, and the imperfect, remember laughter...remember life, not death.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I was watching a YouTube video posted by Chris Crocker this morning. Anyone who watches his videos or has heard of him knows: HE. IS. GAY!  And I happen to find him adorable, too, but that's not the point I want to make with this entry. Every video of his I watch, there is always some comment calling him a faggot or a homo. Ditto with Tyler Oakley, who is so mega-cute and funny he should come with his own warning label. I am so not into homophobia.  Hell, reading slash is one of favorite pastimes ever, and Harry/Draco is my OTP.

My rant is about how extremely ignorant it is is to use those words as insults when someone acknowledges their homosexuality. It's all I can do not to tell those stupid insulting asshats to get better material. Hello, yes, these people know their own orientation, and by choosing to insult them in such a way, those who participate in that behavior are merely showing their own limited intellectual capabilities. There is nothing original in saying those things. Such terms are merely a derogatory method of restating what the people you insult freely admit to. For heaven's sake, would it kill them to employ a dictionary or thesaurus? Homophobia on its own is a blasphemy to me, but the sheer and utter lack of originality present in homophobes somehow makes it hurt worse.

I consider myself of open orientation. I also come from a family that is in many ways very homophobic. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my family, but the homophobic, racist garbage is what I can't stand. and a lot of it is just as unoriginal tripe. Sometimes I have to stop myself screaming: "God, save me, I'm related to judgmental homophobes!"  I suppose it's quite a talent to be both boring and hurtful, but somehow this particular subset of people manage that rather well. Sad to say that my relatives, whom I love, have something in common with the net trollers I can't stand, but it's the truth. Not only is it boring, but it leaves me wanting to hide even more. Homophobia sucks. Love is love, no matter what. God bless anyone who doesn't agree, because obviously their brains malfunctioned somewhere. That is all. Please leave those of us with working brains alone, or at least find insults that are more creative, because the ones you use lack entertainment value. *Snort*
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm really thinking about my father a lot lately. I miss him, and part of me wishes that he were still here. I'm happy that he isn't hurting any longer, but there are plenty of things I'd love to share with him that I won't get to now, and I hate that. I'd love to be able to have him here with me again, just to hug him and tell him I love him. Nothing has been at all the same with him gone. For a long time, I felt as if I had no purpose in life now that he wasn't here. I may as well have been dead myself. Thankfully, though, things are getting much better.  I'm still not the greatest in terms of caring for myself, but I no longer regret waking up in the morning, and I'm beginning to care whether or not something happens to me again, so I'd say it a positive step forward, even if it's only a tiny one.

I have several really good friends who make sure that I have support when I need it, and help me to laugh when things are getting rough. I owe my continued existence on this plane to these people. I don't know that I'd have made it without them. I'm grateful beyond words that they are in this world.  I wish them every happiness in life. Few people are more deserving of it.

Also as silly and ludicrous as this might sound to some people. I'm grateful to the Harry Potter fandom. It has been a constant in my life for several years now. I have great friends who have been very supportive through all my roller coasting emotions. I never would've met some of them if not for the fandom. The stories are great, the boys are handsome, and the fangirls and fanboys are amazing people. What's not to love about fandom? It all rocks. Anyway, you guys get my point. Fandom makes my life better.

I'm learning how it feels just to be, without automatically having to apologize for every little thing. Let me tell you, that is HARD work for me.

As far as my resolutions go, I'm still trying to stick to them. Though I haven't really spent as much time with my sister as I'd like to, the other three are going along pretty well. I'm laughing more, writing more, and trying harder to avoid feeling guily when I treat myself or buy things I need. Only time will tell if I mange that last one, but things are getting a little bit better, despite my rough patches.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I finally broke down and made an account. It's not easy learning the way around new places, but there are a lot of things I like here already.


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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