bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Hi everyone. This is one entry I'm sad to have to write. One of my family members fell today and broke her hip. I call her Grandma Suma Lee, even though she isn't biologically my grandmother. She's my uncle's mom, but she's always treated me like one of her own grandchildren. They're saying that she may not wake up from this. She is old and frail, but she's tough, and I believe she can make it and be okay. Everyone else seems to be giving up on recovery, but I refuse to. Maybe that makes me naive, but I really don't care. I am sick of losing my family, and I refuse to hold on to that thought. She has survived before when they said she wouldn't, and anything is possible. If any of you are so inclined, please take a minute and say a prayer for her. If you don't pray, please think some positive thoughts on her behalf to counteract all this negative thinking that seems to be going on around her situation. My family and I would really appreciate it. She is really a lovely woman, and I would hate for my family to be in pain if things take a bad turn. Thanks for taking time to read this, and best wishes for you all.

Urgh...

Jul. 17th, 2015 06:11 am
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Sometimes people make my heart hurt. Facebook can be a morass of negativity, especially if it's anything lgbtq related and you're from the South. Seriously, people, just learn not to say anything if you can't be respectful about shit. If I were a drinking person, these people would push me over the edge sometimes. Eesh. Seriously, where the hell did I come from, and how the hell can I go back?

At least I can thank the Creator for allowing me an open mind. What was it Ghandi said?

"I like your Christ, but I don't like your Christians?"

Kinda sums up how I feel right now. And most of the time, actually.

I don't see why people say things that are so hurtful. What good does that do anyone?

Please, do not ever, ever, ever let me be a judgemental asshat person. I couldn't stand myself if I was.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Confession time: Sometimes I feel completely incapable of being a functioning adult. Life in general scares the shit out of me. Sometimes, I really honest-to-god hate depending on my family and think I would rather die than have to do that another day because what I have isn't really a life. It's an existence, and that's all.

With that said, I'm here, and for whatever reason, higher powers let me keep existing. What the hell for...? Who the fuck knows?

I have wishes for my life that no one knows about. I have a feeling there are some that I don't even know about yet.

But, mainly, it boils down to wanting to feel secure, but also be free.

Which is more or less impossible, because there are times when my body itself feels like a prison.

Anyway, I'll hush now. I just had to get that out.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
So many fics I want to save before the sites close, and so little time to do it in.  First things first is I guess finding out who all only has fics on Hex. I want to save things from harrys_boxers, shadowsamurai, roxierose13, Alysian Fields, and so many others. I'm despairing of ever being able to save everything though. EEk! Side note: If anyone reads this and knows where the last installment of the Escort Service by Cheryl Dyson is posted, do please tell me. I know I read it, but I can't think where. Gahh. I may give up and go to bed for now. I feel very shit-like at the moment. Hope everyone is well and safe.

Edit: Found the fic! Derr...I think I have some kind of mental block against FF.net. Eesh.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I got hit in the face with my grandmother's transphobic prejudices tonight when we saw the advert for the show that's coming on soon, Becoming Us.

I myself am not transgender, but it hurt me to see the disgust on her face when the commercial for the show came on. I personally am glad this show exists. I think the transgender community needs to be seen from a more positive angle than it is now, and I say it's past time.

I'm tired of people saying and thinking that transgender individuals are disgusting. Especially people I love and share a gene pool with. Transgender people deserve respect, not contempt.

Just because someone is different doesn't make them disgusting.

Anyway, I'll get off my platform now, but I'm feeling a bit low, and I thought someone here might understand.

Take care, and love to all.

Ugh...

May. 13th, 2015 07:27 pm
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I'm having one of those days. It's warm and sunny outside, but inside, I feel massively depressed. I don't even know why I feel that way today, but I do. I just want to get one of my blades and make hambuger out of my skin. Usually, I can pinpoint what triggers the urge, but not today. If I had to guess, I'd say it's just feeling anxious and insecure. I usually deal with both of those things in varying degrees just fine. I have healthy ways to cope, but right now, I don't want to cope in a healthy way. The urge has been boiling under the surface all day, even when my nephew was here for school. I know I don't need that. I don't want to have to start wearing long sleeves again just when my state is getting hotter than hell. I know all that. But the rebelling, pissed off part of me is whining. at me to do it, and I honestly think that if I were on my own, I would do it and not give one, fat, flipping, flying, fuck about consequences.

Some part of me still has good sense, obviously. I'm writing this instead of cutting, after all. I don't mean to whine. I'm not looking for attention. I just feel so tired of being at war with myself. My good sense is winning, but my armour is rusted right now. School is over for the day. I'm tired, and I'm crying. Music is going. I'll keep busy until this annoying gnat of a thought passes me by, or sleep, but I felt like I needed to busy my hands for a little while. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I really wish I could just go hurt something inanimate without getting a WTF look from anyone. I just wish I was over.

I'm sorry I keep writing entries like this. Feel free to drive on by.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Eesh, just make it stop already! I just found out that my cousin has a gimungous cyst on her ovary, which may or may not be cancerous. She's having surgery to remove the sucker sooon. They are thinking it isn't cancerous, but she still has to see a specialist and all that lovely stuff to make sure. I wish I had a light saber or a wand that could obliterate all cancer from the planet. I hate it. My cousin is a tough lady. We aren't super close because we don't see each other so often, but I do not want to lose anyone in my family. Especially not to something as awful as cancer. I feel like screaming. I actually think I might do it. It would certainly be healthier than everything else going on in my mind at the moment. Anyway, if you would, please send some good thoughts and/or prayers for her and her family. I know this is hard on them. I'm sorry to have to ask again so soon, but sometimes life just seems determined to hand us challenges. It seems like my relatives are definitely getting their fair share, and then some. They totally do not deserve that.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
My older sister is sick. She was running a really high fever today, had tachycardia and high blood pressure, so she went to the doctor. They put her on two weeks of Augmentin. They aren't sure what's causing the tachycardia, but hopefully what they're doing will help some. I just want her to get better. She's my only sister, and I'd be devastated if something happened to her. Why is it that when things like this happen, they seem to pile up? First, my grandmother breaks her hip and has to get a replacement. Then, after she'd begun to recover from that, the car accident happened. All of that was bad enough in itself, and now my sister is ill. I can't help feeling like enough is enough. I hate to see my family in pain or going through illness. If I could take it away from them, I would do so in a heartbeat. I can't though, and I feel so fucking helpless.

If you are so inclined, please think good thoughts or send prayers for my family. Either of those are something I would greatly appreciate right now. Thanks.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
My brain is fried. I'm tired, and I want comfort food. And sleep. And just...not to have to talk for a little while. Social interaction is clearly not my forte. I am glad that school is almost over. I just want to cry. Some days, I feel like part of me regresses to three and just wants my daddy.

Today

Apr. 22nd, 2015 11:09 pm
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Today, I wanted to die. Suicide still seems tempting, if I'm completely honest. I'm not looking for attention. I don't mean to worry people. I just want to say one thing: I am more than just my limitations. Sometimes it's really very easy to forget that when my family seems to emphasize them. I know I will feel this way again at some point in the future. I've gone through crying, and I've added pissed as fuck into the mix. As well as feeling guilty for wanting to end things, but it's how I feel. My quality of life is nearly nowhere, and the only thing that makes my existence somewhat tolerable is fandom. That, and my family, are part of what make me stay.And one of the people whom I stay for is also contributing to this issue, so that just makes things worse.I just want to scream. I feel like I look ahead, and all I see is bleak and blank nothing. That said, I'm not giving up. I want to, but I won't.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
My grandmother who stays with me was in a car accident this morning. Someone was apparently texting and driving and smashed into her. From what they've told me, the doctors x-rayed her and plan to send her home with pain meds. She was really hurting from what her husband said. I really don't want her to be hurting and unwell. If you feel so inclined, please pray for her. And even if you don't pray, please keep her in your thoughts and send some good vibes her way.

And, not to sound like a selfish little snot, but please pray for me. My life would be turned upside down and shaken to pieces if anything were to happen to her.  Please keep us in your thoughts. I'm just coming down a little bit from panic mode, so I'm sorry if this is selfish to ask, but can I please have hugs? Her husband is here and so is my uncle. I have a feeling I might go stark raving batshit insane before she gets home. I'm hiding out in my computer room.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
So my Easter was...uncomfortable. I am so grateful my cousin's girlfriend's dog was there. He stuck by me almost the whole time we were there. I didn't talk much because I was busy petting him and talking to him.

We had hamburgers, hotdogs, sausages, baked beans and potato salad, none of which are things that I would voluntarily eat because, just...no. There was also some sort of weird broccoli/cauliflower bacon salad-type thing, and Fritos scoops with spinach dip.

For dessert, there was a deconstructed chocolate eclair thing, which was nice, and my sister made peanut-butter lasagna, which was a recipe she found on pinterest. There were cupcakes and banana pudding as well.

I was a good girl and ate the food without moaning, mostly because it was a special occasion. Everything was all well and fine until my mother's siblings came from their church's Easter program. These are people that I'm grateful to see only two to three times a year at most.

My aunt started asking me questions about what I was up to in my life. I managed to navigate those, but before I could breathe a sigh of relief, my aunt brought up church. She asked me if I'd gone to church that morning, and I said no. She asked why I hadn't. I said that I just hadn't. She asked me if I was even looking for a church to go to, and I said no, because my experiences with the Christian school that I went to just causes the thought of going to church every week to stir up negative emotions. I said this to her. I did my best not to be rude. I wasn't mean and didn't swear,
even though I REALLY wanted to.

I also said that my relationship with God is personal to me, and that the church isn't just a building, it's people. You'd have thought I was demon-possessed or some shit. My uncle, bless his heart, could tell I was uncomfortable and tried to lighten the situation by saying what I really needed was a man to motivate me to go to church.

I was just...no.

Luckily, about then, my grandmother was ready to go, and I was able to escape their clutches mostly unscathed.

My question is this: Why the hell is what I choose to believe or disbelieve in anyone's business but my own? I don't go around hurting people or killing babies. Why the fuck does it make a difference to them that I don't choose to patronise a building each week? The Creator that I choose to believe in does not care. He/She/They/It/Whomever knows my inside, and I'm not doing shit to please anybody when it makes my soul and heart hurt. I'm sorry, but I won't.

I don't even care what someone else's beliefs are. I haven't voluntarily entered a church since I was about 15. That doesn't make me immoral or lost, even if they seem to think so. I believe in the the freedom to believe or not, as someone chooses. The role of religion and/or spirituality in a person's life has to be an individual chioce, at least to my thinking. I've had enough of having other people's beliefs and ideologies forced down my throat to last several lifetimes, so I don't force what I believe on people. I'm not here for that, and I don't appreciate when they do it to me. It hurts and it just makes me want to scream.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
My nephew made me laugh so hard today that I projectile vomited my lunch all over myself. The lesson I take from this? Never laugh when you've got a stomach full of water. The results were not pretty, but I honestly do not regret it one bit, except for the fact that poor nephew was slightly freaked out. Even that struck me as funny, but only because of the face he made. It was hilarious. I showered and got the muck off, and now school is over. I'm tired and blah, but no regrets.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I went to a concert. I got to see Skillet, which is one of my favorite bands in any genre. And other bands, too, but Skillet just flat-ass rocked the house! It was extremely loud and full of pyrotechnic effects. Just wow. I could've done without the preaching and various pro-life agendas, but other than that, I was glad I went. It was good to leave the house.
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
I love LJ. Only here have I met people who love Harry Potter as much as I do. I feel like I can breathe and decompress here. Here, I can ask for support and actually receive it. I've learned a lot about myself in my time here, some of it not always pleasant. But, I am what I am, and that's okay. I don't always like myself, my life, or my body. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I think things that would probably scare or worry other people. Sometimes I care too much what others think. And there are other times I don't give a fat, fucking shit what people think, when I'm just too tired to care anymore and say fuck it.

I apologize every other breath sometimes. It's a survival instinct, I think. If people don't hate me, they're more likely not to resent having to be burdened with caring for me. I don't think anyone could ever hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. I'm working on that, and I'll probably be working on it for as long as I draw breath. I have plenty of flaws, I know. Physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise. I'm a human being, and thus inherently imperfect. I fuck up a lot. I'm afraid a lot. Sometimes I'm a coward. Sometimes I'm brave. Sometimes I'm smart, and there are others when I feel completely like a dumbass.

I cry way too often, and I don't laugh enough. I'm lonely too much of the time, but I'm fine with being alone. I resent the fact that everyone always seems to wonder why I don't date. No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be fine with a cat a book. Or a dog, maybe. Anyway, I just don't think I'd make a very stable partner for anyone, so I'm choosing not to engage right now. I have enough trouble making myself care about myself without adding anyone else's expectations into my life. I couldn't be the kind of partner i want to be, so I'd rather forgo that arena for the time being.

That said, sometimes I still need people. I know this. I need them badly. My main social outlets in the physical world are all connected in some way with my family, which I don't feel is healthy. It makes me feel more emotionally crippled than I am physically, and that just makes me feel bad. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but apparently it needed to come out. I feel better. If anyone feels like commenting, feel free. I'm not sure why this exists, but I feel lighter. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
May I please have hugs? I feel like I ask for those too often.I just want to hide somewhere.

Update

Feb. 17th, 2015 10:59 pm
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
If anyone misses me for the next few days, it's because the power may have gone out. We had an outage from 5:45 AM to sometime this afternoon. So if you don't see me, that's probably where I am, but hopefully this will not happen again. On an unrelated note, I love my family, but damn it, they drive me nuts. I pray the power stays on, for the sake of my sanity if for no other reason.
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
Ugh...I was supposed to help my sister proofread something. She emailed it to me, and I didn't get it until just now. I feel so guilty. :'(

I hate myself right now.

I suppose it's more email fail than sister-fail, but still...

I really wish I could hurt myself.

I feel like I deserve it for letting my sister down.

*headdesking of major proportions*
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
There are days when life seems like a bitter pill that I'm forced to swallow. Days when I wake up and just feel like stepping out of my skin. I want to scream. These last few days have been odd. On the surface of it, I'm fine. I'm eating, sleeping, and functioning. And that's all good, right?

But, there's the other side of things that keeps creeping up. Sometimes I think dying would be a relief. I'm sick of my body. I'm sick of limitations and having no one around but my family. I love them, don't mistake me. But, it would be so nice to have someone else in my support system besides them.

I'm around them so much that their very presence is an irritant sometimes. And I depend on them, so it's semi-inevitable. I just...*sigh*...I don't even know what to say now. Words are beyond this. I just feel like howling.

All of that said, if any of you feel so inclined, may I please have a hug?

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