Urgh...

Jul. 17th, 2015 06:11 am
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Sometimes people make my heart hurt. Facebook can be a morass of negativity, especially if it's anything lgbtq related and you're from the South. Seriously, people, just learn not to say anything if you can't be respectful about shit. If I were a drinking person, these people would push me over the edge sometimes. Eesh. Seriously, where the hell did I come from, and how the hell can I go back?

At least I can thank the Creator for allowing me an open mind. What was it Ghandi said?

"I like your Christ, but I don't like your Christians?"

Kinda sums up how I feel right now. And most of the time, actually.

I don't see why people say things that are so hurtful. What good does that do anyone?

Please, do not ever, ever, ever let me be a judgemental asshat person. I couldn't stand myself if I was.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Confession time: Sometimes I feel completely incapable of being a functioning adult. Life in general scares the shit out of me. Sometimes, I really honest-to-god hate depending on my family and think I would rather die than have to do that another day because what I have isn't really a life. It's an existence, and that's all.

With that said, I'm here, and for whatever reason, higher powers let me keep existing. What the hell for...? Who the fuck knows?

I have wishes for my life that no one knows about. I have a feeling there are some that I don't even know about yet.

But, mainly, it boils down to wanting to feel secure, but also be free.

Which is more or less impossible, because there are times when my body itself feels like a prison.

Anyway, I'll hush now. I just had to get that out.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Today was...well, I 'd say the title about says it all. It was bad. It was awful. It was nearly panic-attack inducing. I was about one centimeter away from hyperventilating during parts of it. Thank the goddess that my chest isn't sore, because that really sucks.

Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.

If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.

Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.

Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.

But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.

I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift.  So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.

One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.

I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.

Good night, all. <3
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
It's always with the stupid triggers lately. I'm sick and fucking tired of this. As if that wasn't bad enough, this one came literally just after I'd got done saying that I was exercising so that people would have less reason to make comments on my weight. I want to keep myself healthy. I'm not a stick, but I work hard and I've literally worked my ass into the ground at certain points in my life. My grandmother said again that she wants me to lose weight The irony of this? I'm in a size small pair of sweats right now, and they are not tight on me. I cannot win in this family. I just can't. I don't care what I do, it's never enough. Fuck this shit. I wish I could stop this from affecting me. I'm tired of hurting because of them. And I'm pissed off. I do the best I can, and if they don't like it, tough shit. I'd rather be healthy and alive than a stick-thin corpse, I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it still shattered something in me. I'm not beyond being hurt by this yet, but I can't help it if what seems like a healthier weight to me looks big to them. I'm a shorty, any amount of weight on me seems like too much to them. I don't want to be unhealthy again. The rational part of me gets that. But apparently they want the bitch who refuses to eat back again. Fuck that. That's not me.

Excuse me for all these rants about this lately. Contrary to what it seems when I write about my family, I do love them. I know they mean well. They want me to be healthy and thin so that I have less stress on my body, but in my case, I cannot get to their conception of healthy without turning myself into sour-faced, hungry-ass bitch. I refuse.

I will be healthy. I will not deny myself food. I will not exercise to the point of damaging my body. I'm doing the best I can to survive my life right now and not give in to the part of me that wants to self-destruct, and it's extremely hard right now. I just want to be told I'm good enough the way I am, regardless of my weight. Weight is only a small part of who anyone is, but I never feel good enough for my family. Ever. I feel like defective merchandise someone forgot to return that no one really wants. Like I'm an old doll someone forgot they had in the back of a dark closet, but no one wants me anymore because I don't function the way they wish I would.

I wish sometimes that life had an escape hatch.

Forgive me for blathering on so much, but I don't want to internalize this crap.

If you read this, I appreciate it more than any words could ever say. I apologize for rehashing the same stupid shit over and over. I know it has to get boring after a while.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope everyone is well.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I had to try on clothes today. That always triggers the not-good, hate my body feeling. Being told 'we need to get some weight off those legs" hurts. Badly.

I'm trying not to give into my impulses to starve myself.

I know it's such a stupid thing to get triggered over, but damn it, I can't help it.

i felt like a complete failure at that moment.

I'm healthy, but now I feel fat and ugly.

I feel worthless as all fuck right now, It's stupid, I know, but I do.

I wish i could just disappear from the face of the planet.

I don't mean to bellyache all over my journal, but I had to get that out.

*cries*

In the first place, that was a sucky thing to say, and in the second, my body is MINE, and doesn't belong to anyone else.

I just want to hit something.

*screams*
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Hello! I'm back on LJ after four days away. My family has, as usual driven me nuts with homophobic bullshit. Thank goodness not everyone believes as they do. I'm going to go read something to cheer myself up before I end up taking my frustration out on myself in ways I shouldn't. Hope everyone is well! I missed you all.

Question of the Day: How in the hell is Ellen DeGeneres wearing a tux in the Oscars promos "flaunting being gay"? Last I heard, clothing had little relation to sexual orientation. I've known straight women that have done the same thing. Wearing a tux is hardly indecent, but from the way my grandmother reacts to that promo, you'd think Ellen was fucking Portia de Rossi in public or something. I really wonder about people sometimes.

*Snarls*

Jan. 28th, 2014 05:03 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I hate Itunes. I've wasted one whole afternoon trying to reinstall the fucker, which I never use anyway. I make no sense to myself sometimes, but it's one of those situations where it'll bug me until it functions again, and then I forget it exists because I don't use it Urgh.
bleedingangel84: (gay marriage=happy?)
Gay marriage is not a punch line. It is not a joke, it is not comical. It's nothing to be laughed at. It is just as real and just as valid as any heterosexual marriage ever was, and I find it disappointing that my grandmother finds the idea of gay marriage comical. I find it hurtful and disgusting that ANYONE could have that attitude, but even more so when it's someone I love as I love my grandmother. Because yes, I do love her, despite the fact that her opinions on some things sicken me and make me want to disappear from existence. I can disagree all I want, but her opinion won't change, because "homosexuality is against the Bible". So is eating shrimp, but she sure as hell does that. Grr. One thing I can can be grateful for is that I don't believe that narrow-minded bullshit. How am I related to these people? How?

Anyway, end of rant. I'm going to go read something slashy and make myself feel better. Love is love, no matter who it's between. I wish everyone could see that. The world would be a better place.

Gahhh...

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:50 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I hate YouTube now.  Cannot comment without Google+. Do. NOT. Fucking. WANT this! Damn it! *screams*  Sad, crying, hormonal mess. This is bullshit. I know it's not a real problem. I've had real problems, and this is not one. Still damn fucking irritating, though. One more social avenue screwed up thanks to so called "upgrades". Fucking thanks, Google. You suck donkey dicks. My apologies for the temper tantrum. I'm going to bed before I give in to my urge to hurt myself. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! No. Just..no.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Sometimes I honestly can't stand my family's attitude about gay people. They claim to not be racist or prejudiced or anything like that, but then, they make comments about how disgusting a show like Modern Family is because it depicts two gay men in a loving, committed relationship raising a child. Honestly, why do you care? There are gay people in the world. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual or anything else that is different from heterosexual does not make someone evil or abnormal.

Because, guess what? THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!

Everyone is different and that's a beautiful thing. If everyone were the same, life would be boring.

EVERYONE should have the right to love. I'm sorry if my family disagrees, but that is how I feel.

What gets me is that they have no problem  seeing a heterosexual couple kiss in front of their faces, but if they see a gay couple kiss on television it's nothing but: "Oh my God! Oh my God!" in disgusted tones of voice.

I know I've ranted about this before, so I apologize if this is getting old, but damn. I hate that my family can be so homophobic in the name of Christianity. It's not right. It hurts, and it makes me feel worth less as a person. I've never liked to put labels on my sexuality. I like who I like, whether they are male, female, transgendered or gender-neutral. I appreciate people that make me safe and valued for all of myself.

I'm thankful every day that I have friends, because without them, sometimes it would be very hard to continue living. I feel sorry for anyone who can't see the beauty that exists in all forms of love,. and I can only pray that one day, their eyes will be opened.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Ok, this is kind of a rant...

So please excuse.

Anyway...

Reasons I hate my life:

1. My grandmother, making comments on my weight after I asked her not to.

She made me feel like a complete lard-o. It hurt, and made me want to never eat again. Ever. She didn't mean it to do that, I know, but it did. I am nowhere near the size or weight I used to be. I exercise. I eat healthily. She says all the time that I eat more healthily than most people she knows. And yet, she pops out today and makes me feel like I'm suddenly over 200 pounds again. Urgh...

2. Just after she says that, she asked me if  wanted pizza for dinner.

Uhh, fuck no. You tell me I don't need to gain weight and then offer me pizza? What the hell kind of logic is that? It makes no sense that I know of. You know I'm having a hard time lately, and yet, you still say things like that. It made me want to hurt myself so much. I just wanted to die. I felt like everything I'd ever done to get healthy was worthless, and I hated it. You made me hate myself more. I know I'm probably being oversensitive, but knowing that doesn't change how I feel, so you can fuck the hell off. Please. Just, please. I love you, but if you can't say something positive, please shut the FUCK up and let me carry on trying to be healthy.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Okay. I have a YouTube account. I have a Google account. I mainly use it as a backup email and storage depository for fics that I've either written or that I like. I don't make videos on YouTube. I only WATCH videos on YouTube. I have done so for years. It is one of my main ways I keep distracted when the badness inevitably starts in my head. I have swallowed stupid design changes with minimal complaint until now. Now, they have redesigned YouTube channels in favor of creators. You are now REQUIRED to have a channel trailer. I have only ever uploaded one video to YouTube at the request of someone who asked me to, and I have no plans to ever upload more.

I am a private person. I am a boring person. I barely leave my house. Hell, if I could physically get away with not saying a word to anyone sometimes, I would do it. I mainly have my YouTube account to keep track of my playlists of videos I like. I occasionally comment on something. That's it. I don't give a flying fuck about subscribers, being "connected" or any of that bullshit, yet now I'm required to have a Google+ page for my YouTube or my account gets deleted? That fucking sucks. And we're being FORCED to upgrade to the damn thing!

Newsflash, Google: Not everyone wants to "Connect". Not everyone wants to "Share". Not everyone thinks new and improved is automatically better. And no one I know of appreciates being forced into things against their will just to use a service like YouTube. The new changes bite donkey dick. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I prefer the old YouTube. I would rather not be forced to integrate two services I would appreciate keeping separate, thank you very much. I want to keep the username I've always had. I want my old purple background on my channel page, not some utilitarian thing that looks like absolute shit. And I don't want to be forced to have a Google+ page that I have NO damn intentions of using, EVER. I like my privacy. I could give a fuck less about interacting on Google+.

I don't want my services connected. I just want to watch my videos and store them the way I always did. Why is it that no site seems to care about its user base anymore?

Sometimes technology royally blows.

And that's my rant for today.

I may go cry now.

Take care, LJ!

I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.
 
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Things have felt so awkward lately. I'm isolating myself more than I should be in the interest of self-preservation. I don't even talk as much as I used to.

My grandmother has stayed with me since my father died. She all but lives with me, and she is here a lot.

That being said, I am going CRAZY.

I feel like I have no privacy or freedom to breathe.

My grandmother is protective to the point of being irritating.

I have discussed this with my family and with her, but nothing ever seems to change.

One of my friends is coming to stay with me, and I can tell my grandmother hates that idea. But, this friend is more my sister than anything else, and I do not care what my grandmother thinks.

However, this whole situation has driven home the point that my life is not my own. Nor has it been since my father has passed.

More often than not, I feel like I'm just existing, not living.

And I hate it.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Well, if I had any hope left of ever being honest with my family about my orientation, that has now officially died a swift and very painful death.

My grandmother was talking about the demonstrations that have been on the news in support of gay marriage and called it "revolting" and "disgusting".

She said that people were not meant to live that way.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut at that.

I spoke up.

I said that as long as they weren't hurting anyone else, it doesn't matter how people choose to live their lives, and to live and let live.

And then, I got out of there as fast as I could, before I let fly something I shouldn't.

I don't know if she knows why I disagree with her opinions, but she knows I disagree.

This is kind of scary and painful, but I'm proud of myself for saying something, even if it wasn't what I wanted to say.

It hurts to realize my grandmother, who is the person I'm closet to in the world, is so closed-minded.

But as much as it hurts, it also makes me mad.

People should be free to live and love the way they want to, regardless of gender.

Being gay, bisexual, lesbian , transgendered, polyamorous, pansexual or whatever you are should not in any way negate the human right to love and be loved in return.

Heterosexual people should not be the only ones with the right to love openly and without censure.

We are people. Everyone is different, but that doesn't mean one gender, race, or orientation is any better or worse. We are all human beings. We deserve the same rights.

Love is beautiful, no matter the form, and it should be protected and cherished, regardless of the gender of the party or parties involved.

And that's my opinion. My homophobic family is entitled to theirs, but may I say, they can bite me.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Anyone who knows me knows that I dislike Facebook. Passionately. Intensely.

It is useful for some things, though, and that is why I have a profile there.

I use it to log in to things quickly when I don't feel like registering for an account someplace. That's about it.

I get the occasional comment from people asking how I am, but that's about it.

I don't even bother posting status updates unless it's about something that means something to me.

I don't play games or anything there.

However, I sometimes hate going there because seeing the type of good "Christian" people on my friends feed truly makes my heart hurt.

These are people I've known my whole life, been in churches with, and in many cases, share blood with.

I love them.

They are entitled to their opinions.

This is America.

They are free to carry guns, protest abortion, support Mitt Romney and Chik-Fil-A  and criticize President Obama all they want.

But I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with the opinions they express in such loud and blaring volume.

How is it Christian to offer attacks against a man's character instead of proposing a real solution to what you perceive as a problem?

What purpose does that serve?

As far I see, no good one.

Seeing the glee they take in all this negative bullshit is painful to me.

If you can't make a positive difference, kindly please shut your mouths.

If all Christians act like the majority of the ones I know, it's no small wonder more people are turning to atheism. I can't honestly say I blame them.

I don't want to worship the kind of God that says it's okay to hate another human being in his name. I'm sorry. I just don't.

God does not hate, at least not in my world.

I'm fine if you don't think that's true. It doesn't bother me when people disagree with me about God.

I have friends who are atheists and friends who are Satanists, and they are some of the nicest and kindest people I know.

They don't go shoving their opinion down peoples' throats till they choke on it.

Most Christians I know ram it down until you gag on it.

I know there are some who don't and I am incredibly grateful for that, but where I live, they seem few and far between.

I get sick and tired of trying so hard to hold on to what I feel in my heart when bad thing get planted in my brain. It's exhausting.

I believe in live and let live. I say love and let love.

Different does not mean wrong.

Gay does not mean evil.

Obama is (ffs) NOT the Antichrist.

He is a human being, just like anyone else.

Do I agree with every policy and decision? No.

Do I support him? Yes.

He didn't make the mess by himself, people.

This is a democracy, which means elected officials.

All of them made different choices, and all of them have a hand in cleaning or making the messes this country gets into.

So give whoever is taking their turn in the ring your support, because who knows what messes they have to fix.

And if you can't offer something constructive, zip the lips.

You'd be doing the world a favour.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
A/N: Yet again, I have no idea why I wrote this long-ass thing or where it came from. Herein I discuss my perceptions of Christianity and God and religion.These are only my opinions and I recognize they will not apply to everyone.  I am not what I or anyone else would consider a religious person, so far as I know, but there was a time in my life when I was that, and quite narrow-minded as a result. If i may say so, it was never my intent to hurt/exclude anyone. I don't intend to do so now either. No offense is meant to any religion or person with this post. This is apparently something that just needed drawing out of my system. If you are easily offended or do not wish to read this entry because it discusses religion, feel free to skip it. Have a nice day/afternoon/evening/night or whichever applies to your timezone at the moment. Thank you.


I discuss my feelings on Christianity and how they've changed thoughout my life )
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Sunday before last, I went to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Very cute movie that made me feel really good. The ending was a little bittersweet, but I think that made it better.

Various members of my family are having health problems. My uncle has to have throat surgery in a few weeks to treat his sleep apnea. He also has COPD as well. My aunt has a blockage in her heart.

The others who have had recent health issue seem to be on the mend, thank goodness. Why is these things always seem to go in a rotation?

Edited this, because clearly I should not post when exhausted. forgive the mistakes, please.

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