bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I snapped tonight. I ended up cutting. I'm not proud of that. I usually handle things better. It wasn't something I planned or decided on, it just happened. I was upset and feeling guilty and hurt and unworthy. Defective, like I'm nothing but a walking blot on humankind. Which everybody I talk to tells me I shouldn't feel, but I can't help feeling.

It feels like I'm never allowed to just express what I feel. There's always somebody there with a reason why what I feel isn't right, and it sucks.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know my family cares, but I don't think they know how to help me. I don't know if they ever did, but I know I can't handle making life changes without some support.
I'm not even sure they are capable of giving what I need. I'm not even completely sure I know what that is anymore, but there has to be more than this.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Why is it that everything is a trigger right now? Everything. I try to distract, to do healthy things, to read, exercise, make myself eat when I'm supposed to, and I'm still so fucking triggered. And bored. I'm listless, lonely and hurting. I try spending time with people, and I'm still so triggered. That made it worse. I tried to make plans. My sister has no money, my aunt has a hurting leg. I'm stuck here, and for fuck's sake, I feel like screaming. I want to get it over with and just cut. Let myself bleed some of this out. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm nothing but a damn burden on the people I care for. I fuck up every relationship, I can't relate well to my family. Even when I'm talking to them, sometimes it feels there is no connection happening. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but it feels like my fault. I don't know how to fix it, or even if there's anything to fix in the first place. Maybe this is some bullshit that's all in my head.

Ephemeral

May. 10th, 2012 05:57 pm
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Night winds whisper-
through broken panes-
glass shattered and jagged-
like her scattered, nebulous-
thoughts.

Blood falls like salty tears-
her wounds are open-
exposed, raw-skin torn-
flesh lies thin as paper-
gathered around-
the puckering gash.

Lips, blue and stiff-
frozen in a half smile-
she has left her shell-
behind her-
there upon-
the cold, wet floor.

Do not weep for her-
for she has shed-
the heavy weight-
of her own expectation-
and the need to please.

She has made her home-
far beyond the stars-
where no yesterdays exist-
and tomorrows aren't yet born-
there is only-the now-that is hers-
Eternally.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
So...I've sort of been hiding from a lot of people lately. I haven't even really been talking much to anyone. I guess it's because I've been afraid, and I don't even really know why. I love my friends. I really do. I suppose it's because I've been scared of bringing them down, too. I've been struggling so much with so many things. I don't even really know if I could call it depression, because it feels different from that. I just..feel like a fraud.

It seems like I've tried so hard to be good and be okay, and I'm just not. I feel lonely and sad a lot. Grief for my dad still hits me in waves sometimes, and that's hard to deal with. I hate feeling so alone and afraid. I don't even know if most of my friends are still talking to me, because I've been trying so hard not to burden anyone with my problems when there are other people whose problems are so much worse than I could ever conceive of in my wildest dreams.

I just feel like I'm constantly failing everyone in my life. It's impossible for me to be the kind of friend I want to be when I've been isolating so much, and I'm scared. Scared of my friends' reactions and my own feelings about this. I know I can never be perfect, but it doesn't stop me from wanting that. I wish I could be 100% supportive of everyone all the time, instead of trying to hide myself from the world. I wish I was a better friend, better person, better everything.

I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself more and more often. That scares me, too. Part of me wonders whether or not everyone would be better off if I just finished it altogether, but then the people that I've lost come to my mind, and I know I could never put anyone else through that kind of pain and anger. I'm not really sure what else to do.

I feel horrible even sharing this, but I'm not really sure where else to go. I can't keep all this in, and I'm afraid of how people might react if I were to actually talk about it in a face to face conversation. At least here, people have a choice about whether they'd like to respond or not. I'm scared of forcing myself on people, because I might get pushed off.

Anyway, sorry for being a downer, but if you've read, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to make myself "heard", so to speak.

Bright blessings to all my lj friends, and thank you for everything.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I am
the girl-

with the
plastic smile.

Tears are
f a l l i n g-

a steady

d
r
i
p

.

Blood encrusts-
the cuts
she conceals
with long sleeves.

She hides
so deep inside-
there's no chance
she'll find herself.

Watching-
almost happy-
she glances through
the window-
just to watch-

the stars
bear silent witness-
to her last soft-
e x h a l e.

A/N: Please forgive me for writing this poem. No one need worry that anything drastic has happened, but this just decided to come out today. I know it isn't even very good, but I figure that if I write poetry about things like suicide, that will keep me from acting on any such thoughts. I may be wrong, but I find it therapeutic to write things like this, and it is my journal. I've been thinking a lot about someone who was a mentor of mine who committed suicide two years ago. This man will forever hold a special place in my heart. He was my teacher, but he was also much more than that. He was an inspiration to me, and a picture of what was possible with determination and hard work, He showed me by example that people do not have to be defined by the limitations life places on them. I hurt whenever I think that he took his own life, but that will never change what he was to me, and I hope that wherever he is, his soul is at peace now.  He is still missed and not forgotten.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Heart bleeding,
eyes run clear.

Emptiness fills me.
Death lingers in
my thoughts
like the scent of
stale perfume.

He is gone.
Left me behind
like an empty shell-
Broken and jagged-
Resting on shifting sands.

Carry me away, to a place
where pain cannot hurt-please.
Blood flows from a self-made wound-
only a temporary peace.

I look up at you- and smile.
"I'm fine."
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Can you feel my heart breaking?
My eyes are blank.
Loneliness gnaws at my soul.

Numb to the point of pain,
the razor resting
against my skin
slides softly.

Metallic silver
gleams with the promise
of Relief.

My blood runs down
arms that tremble.
It is warm
and sacred-and
Alive.

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bleedingangel84

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