Apr. 22nd, 2015 11:09 pm
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Today, I wanted to die. Suicide still seems tempting, if I'm completely honest. I'm not looking for attention. I don't mean to worry people. I just want to say one thing: I am more than just my limitations. Sometimes it's really very easy to forget that when my family seems to emphasize them. I know I will feel this way again at some point in the future. I've gone through crying, and I've added pissed as fuck into the mix. As well as feeling guilty for wanting to end things, but it's how I feel. My quality of life is nearly nowhere, and the only thing that makes my existence somewhat tolerable is fandom. That, and my family, are part of what make me stay.And one of the people whom I stay for is also contributing to this issue, so that just makes things worse.I just want to scream. I feel like I look ahead, and all I see is bleak and blank nothing. That said, I'm not giving up. I want to, but I won't.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I just wanted to say that my heart breaks for this poor girl. Her parents were absolutely, mindfuckingly disgusting. Conversion therapy just because your child is transgendered? No. Isolating her from the only true source of support she had? No.

I pity the fact that her parents were so deeply ingrained in upholding the tenets of their religion that they failed to recognize a person in need of love, care, and acceptance. Even after death, they are still misgendering her. Just, no. No. It's not right.

I'm sorry she was in so much pain that she felt suicide was the only out. I'm sorry for her parents, who lost an amazing daughter because of their incredibly vast ignorance and transphobia.

I'm not debating anyone's right to their beliefs. Just, please remember that your beliefs can and do affect other people, so always treat others the way you would want to be treated.

I hope with all my heart that Leelah is at peace now. She deserves that.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm having one of those days. I took a few days to go completely offline. I've been reading a lot. Usually at least one book a day, sometimes two or three. I like it. It feels good to me. It's escape and freedom. Anyway, I'm also struggling with really intense urges to self-harm, but I haven't acted on any of those. I heard about Robin Williams, and it makes me sad. Oddly, I wasn't overly surprised when I heard he'd gone.  When I was watching his stand-up act on YouTube a while back, I couldn't help thinking there seemed to be a lot of sadness under that non-stop joking. That said, it made me cry when I heard.

I do not want to remember how he died, but how he lived. He was a wonderful and amazing human being. His movies helped me through many, many of my own depressed times, and I will continue to take comfort and hope from what he left behind. It is wonderful, and funny, and good.

Robin Williams, you will be missed, and you are loved, even in death. I hope that your soul finds the peace you deserve. Thank you for all the laughter. Thank you for all the times you touched my heart. Be at rest now.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
The longer I live on Earth, the more I wonder if my life isn't some form of karmic retribution for something I've done at some point in my existence. I'm fighting against the darkest part of myself right now. Lately, I wonder why I'm even alive. I feel like people would be less worried if I weren't around anymore. Not that I've actually made plans to act on any of those thoughts, but I'm feeling massively self-destructive at the moment. I want to do something that would make me hurt and/or bleed. The thought of death is like a security blanket, which I know sounds sick, but it's true. Thinking about death is comforting. I think I'm going to find my bed and disappear into sleep for awhile.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I wish that tears didn't come so easily to me, or so often. I wish I could just stop existing. Period.

In a way, I feel hollow.

I've been keeping my worst thoughts at bay by sleeping when I can.

I exercise a lot.

I watch episodes of Buffy. I eat. I sleep. As far as social interaction, that's near to nil.

I feel like hiding.

I wonder if anyone would care if I just let myself fade out?

I think too much, which I feel is having a negative effect on me.

I just got done reading Growing Pains, by SensiblyTainted for the second time.

Once again, slash distracts from suicidal thinking.

I'll hang on by my teeth until the next happy thing comes along,

I'll feel better for a while until I start thinking too much again, and so my cycle goes.

Sometimes my life is exhausting. It's hard when all I have for company is myself.

Especially when I most often find myself an irritating waste of skin.


I can barely tolerate myself anymore.

I feel like vermin that needs to be exterminated.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
For some reason, this song is doing some speaking to me tonight. I've always loved this group, and for some reason this one keeps running through my head. So, or course, I have to share. Still feeling a little wobbly, but not quite as close to the edge.


May. 10th, 2012 05:57 pm
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Night winds whisper-
through broken panes-
glass shattered and jagged-
like her scattered, nebulous-

Blood falls like salty tears-
her wounds are open-
exposed, raw-skin torn-
flesh lies thin as paper-
gathered around-
the puckering gash.

Lips, blue and stiff-
frozen in a half smile-
she has left her shell-
behind her-
there upon-
the cold, wet floor.

Do not weep for her-
for she has shed-
the heavy weight-
of her own expectation-
and the need to please.

She has made her home-
far beyond the stars-
where no yesterdays exist-
and tomorrows aren't yet born-
there is only-the now-that is hers-
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm really thinking about my father a lot lately. I miss him, and part of me wishes that he were still here. I'm happy that he isn't hurting any longer, but there are plenty of things I'd love to share with him that I won't get to now, and I hate that. I'd love to be able to have him here with me again, just to hug him and tell him I love him. Nothing has been at all the same with him gone. For a long time, I felt as if I had no purpose in life now that he wasn't here. I may as well have been dead myself. Thankfully, though, things are getting much better.  I'm still not the greatest in terms of caring for myself, but I no longer regret waking up in the morning, and I'm beginning to care whether or not something happens to me again, so I'd say it a positive step forward, even if it's only a tiny one.

I have several really good friends who make sure that I have support when I need it, and help me to laugh when things are getting rough. I owe my continued existence on this plane to these people. I don't know that I'd have made it without them. I'm grateful beyond words that they are in this world.  I wish them every happiness in life. Few people are more deserving of it.

Also as silly and ludicrous as this might sound to some people. I'm grateful to the Harry Potter fandom. It has been a constant in my life for several years now. I have great friends who have been very supportive through all my roller coasting emotions. I never would've met some of them if not for the fandom. The stories are great, the boys are handsome, and the fangirls and fanboys are amazing people. What's not to love about fandom? It all rocks. Anyway, you guys get my point. Fandom makes my life better.

I'm learning how it feels just to be, without automatically having to apologize for every little thing. Let me tell you, that is HARD work for me.

As far as my resolutions go, I'm still trying to stick to them. Though I haven't really spent as much time with my sister as I'd like to, the other three are going along pretty well. I'm laughing more, writing more, and trying harder to avoid feeling guily when I treat myself or buy things I need. Only time will tell if I mange that last one, but things are getting a little bit better, despite my rough patches.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
So...I've sort of been hiding from a lot of people lately. I haven't even really been talking much to anyone. I guess it's because I've been afraid, and I don't even really know why. I love my friends. I really do. I suppose it's because I've been scared of bringing them down, too. I've been struggling so much with so many things. I don't even really know if I could call it depression, because it feels different from that. I just..feel like a fraud.

It seems like I've tried so hard to be good and be okay, and I'm just not. I feel lonely and sad a lot. Grief for my dad still hits me in waves sometimes, and that's hard to deal with. I hate feeling so alone and afraid. I don't even know if most of my friends are still talking to me, because I've been trying so hard not to burden anyone with my problems when there are other people whose problems are so much worse than I could ever conceive of in my wildest dreams.

I just feel like I'm constantly failing everyone in my life. It's impossible for me to be the kind of friend I want to be when I've been isolating so much, and I'm scared. Scared of my friends' reactions and my own feelings about this. I know I can never be perfect, but it doesn't stop me from wanting that. I wish I could be 100% supportive of everyone all the time, instead of trying to hide myself from the world. I wish I was a better friend, better person, better everything.

I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself more and more often. That scares me, too. Part of me wonders whether or not everyone would be better off if I just finished it altogether, but then the people that I've lost come to my mind, and I know I could never put anyone else through that kind of pain and anger. I'm not really sure what else to do.

I feel horrible even sharing this, but I'm not really sure where else to go. I can't keep all this in, and I'm afraid of how people might react if I were to actually talk about it in a face to face conversation. At least here, people have a choice about whether they'd like to respond or not. I'm scared of forcing myself on people, because I might get pushed off.

Anyway, sorry for being a downer, but if you've read, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to make myself "heard", so to speak.

Bright blessings to all my lj friends, and thank you for everything.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I am
the girl-

with the
plastic smile.

Tears are
f a l l i n g-

a steady



Blood encrusts-
the cuts
she conceals
with long sleeves.

She hides
so deep inside-
there's no chance
she'll find herself.

almost happy-
she glances through
the window-
just to watch-

the stars
bear silent witness-
to her last soft-
e x h a l e.

A/N: Please forgive me for writing this poem. No one need worry that anything drastic has happened, but this just decided to come out today. I know it isn't even very good, but I figure that if I write poetry about things like suicide, that will keep me from acting on any such thoughts. I may be wrong, but I find it therapeutic to write things like this, and it is my journal. I've been thinking a lot about someone who was a mentor of mine who committed suicide two years ago. This man will forever hold a special place in my heart. He was my teacher, but he was also much more than that. He was an inspiration to me, and a picture of what was possible with determination and hard work, He showed me by example that people do not have to be defined by the limitations life places on them. I hurt whenever I think that he took his own life, but that will never change what he was to me, and I hope that wherever he is, his soul is at peace now.  He is still missed and not forgotten.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Heart bleeding,
eyes run clear.

Emptiness fills me.
Death lingers in
my thoughts
like the scent of
stale perfume.

He is gone.
Left me behind
like an empty shell-
Broken and jagged-
Resting on shifting sands.

Carry me away, to a place
where pain cannot hurt-please.
Blood flows from a self-made wound-
only a temporary peace.

I look up at you- and smile.
"I'm fine."
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I wish I know how to say what I want to say. I hate being alone. I wish that someone was there to ask if I am ok and mean it. Most days lately, I want to die. Not really though. I don't have the guts for suicide. Sometimes I wonder if my family would care. But, I can't do that to them either way. Ugghh.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My mood is a dozen shades of gray now. Disaster seems like a plague these days. Part of me wishes deep inside that I'd never existed at all. There's really no other way to say that. Suicidal doesn't describe what I feel. I don't know that there are enough words to articulate  my current emotional state. Maybe just a grrunt or a groan. There's nothing but silence now. I'm still avoiding people. I ache inside. Tears annoy me to no end. I just want to bleed. One second's relief should not be too much to ask.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I've been thinking about suicide today. The weird thing is that I'm not suicidal, really.  I just feel very lonely. I want to hurt on the outside as much as I ache on the inside. I feel like crying, and I'm avoiding people. I don't want to bring anyone else down.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Thoughts of suicide fill my head - a warm, sweet buzz-
the static drone of bees in the summertime.

Death would be bliss, compared to this frenetic Hell -that is-
my thoughts- in the Here and Now.

Do you know what it is I seek? Namely- that is- the peace
that comes- from ceasing to be- resting quiet, nothing but ashes-
mixed with sun-kissed earth.


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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