Giving my thoughts a big, fat FUCK YOU

[bleedingangel84]

Fierce in my pain--
I want to bite, to
scratch and claw--
cut my own body--
until my skin is-
flayed apart like meat.

Grey smoke is my thoughts--
swirling, dripping, burning--
rushing and racing-
fast and slow--
chaos with too many
empty spaces.

My lips pull apart--
not a smile, but a mask--
everything's a lie,
but you see,
I am fine.

That's what everyone sees--
but deep inside, I ponder death--
not with fear, but with relief--
an end to the insanity of life.

Still, I carry on--
grit my teeth--
search for reasons--
to rise from sleep--
that I wish would never end.

I sing at the top of my lungs--
with tears in my eyes.
I raise a triumphant fist-
when all I want is to die.

I will survive.
These thoughts--
will not beat me--
I am--
Relentlessly--
alive.

Comments

[my_thestral]

And so you are, babe, alive, that is - just the way we want you. I will not call the poem nice, cause it just doesn't fit with the dark expressive terms - but it comes with hope and defiance and that's what counts in the end. You're alive. Just how you were meant to be. Stay with us a little longer, will you? :)
Super-sized hugs for honesty and finding a way of expressing yourself rather than hurting yourself... :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I definitely plan to be around as long as I can. It's just that sometimes it gets harder, because there is a part of me that wants not to be here. I was feeling that way yesterday, and this poem is what came out of it. I got fed up with my own thoughts, so I ended up writing this, just to get it out. It's a weird feeling wanting to die and wanting to live at the same time, but that is what happens in my brain. I'm really pleased I was able to write this, mainly because it stopped me from doing anything I wrote about in the poem, and I have no need to cover anything up.

Thank you so much for the hugs and for always leaving such lovely comments. It really does mean a lot to me.

[my_thestral]

You're very welcome, hon - if there's anything I can do from thousands of miles afar, just let me know.
Oh, you wouldn't believe some of the dark stuff I wrote when I was down! :P
Just to give you a hint, it starts with:
"Depressed,
destroyed,
with empty heart
once more I'm left behind." <--yeah, that bad, and it doesn't even end here ;) See, nowhere near the quality of your poems! But luckily it's not about quality, it's about getting it out of your system.:) I'm so glad you're doing just that.
I can't make your decisions for you, but perhaps one of my favourite fiction characters (besides Ron, of course) Tyrion Lannister, another outcast, has a point: "Death is so final, yet life is full of possibilities."
Hang on in there, with a mega-hug from your left and one from your right to support you! ;)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for always being so supportive. I have written my fair share of bad poems in pursuit of exorcising demons, for sure. Although, I don't think there is any such thing as bad poetry, since even the ones we think are bad give us emotional release. Poetry has been my safety valve ever since I was 11 and fell in love with it. Good or bad, it seems to work. I will keep doing it. Thank you for the quote. I will keep that in mind. *hugs*

So sorry for the late reply. Time has gotten away from me lately.

[my_thestral]

Oh, don't even get me started on time, my kids are eating mine like vermin - I go to bed twice and it's Christmas! :P
Septembers are usually busy for me as well with school starting and projects at work starting to close down, so I completely understand if someone doesn't find time for things other than real life - god knows I'm hard pressed to.:P
You sound a bit better, so I hope you stay that way for some time. I hope life is easy on you! Hugs!