bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I'm in a bad frame,
but I want to change
the photo.

Rain against the windows,
cold drizzle against the skin.
Grey light, and a craving for
death.

Everything is cold now,
even with the
heat blasting.

I think Hell must
be a freezing place,
cold and lonely.
At least fire would
turn me to ash.

Floating away
on a
blazing gust
of storm.

Hopeless

Nov. 16th, 2015 11:08 pm
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I find myself
with the craving
to bleed, and
it's as if I were
twenty again,
holding rusted
scissors to my leg,
just to stop
the chaos in my swirling,
screaming brain.

God, why I am I here
again? Thirty-one
is supposed to be past this
fucking shit already.
They always talked about it like
it was a phase.

They don't know shit.
Stress is stress,
no matter the age, and
we all need to be heard.

I will sit here,
and I will write about my
sick head and tired body.
Maybe one day, you
will look past my facade
to hear the words I never say.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I'm not posting
what I want to post
Because it all
just feels like
a fucking cry
for attention.

And I don't want attention.
I just want to fade,
soft and silent
as nighttime fog,
no weight,
no burden.

Disappear,
fast as a shadow
absorbed by
the lingering grey
that envelops my thoughts
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I am insecure,
I am curious,
I am cynical,
I am jaded,
and a bit naive.

I am pessimistic
and optimistic
from moment
to moment.

I cry tears when
I'm happy, and when
I'm sad. I growl
when I'm angry.

I am all too human,
and a little alien. Rain
when the sun is shining
makes me smile.

Most of all,
I am me.
Full of contradictions
and paradoxes.

I am an
open book
that is full
of half-kept secrets
and  a million things
I've never said aloud.

Nature

Aug. 18th, 2015 01:22 am
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I am--
a black-
fucking--
fly-
trapped--
in amber.

Wings-
clipped off--
legs removed--
body resting-
exhausted-
somewhere amid-
twisted tree limbs.

You never--
notice me-
now that my--
droning-
has gone-
quiet.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I carry a broken heart inside,
Still beating--rhythm unbroken,
panfully throbbing.

You say faggot, and then
Tell me you love me
with your next breath.

I pray inside,
let the floor open up
and swallow me whole.

I am different,
when you want me
to be as you are.

I cannot be.
I will not be.
Everyone should be free.

I carry the scars
from your words
on my body.

Are you happy
when you shatter me?
I want to die.

And yet,
Here I sit.
Crying.

Surviving.
I will be.
I will thrive.

In spite of you.

Wishes

Jun. 26th, 2015 10:43 am
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Color me blue.
when the day is
hot and and sticky.

I wish for rain,
and the deep gray
of full-bellied storm clouds.

The electric flash
of purple lightning,
fading into soothing black darkness.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I don't know what to say.
I just want to sit, and rock.
Cry. Whmiper. Scream.

Every day, I open
my eyes and try.
I try not to think.
Just to survive.

Sometimes it's one day.
One hour. One minute.
Sometimes, it's from breath
to breath. Second to second.

Sometimes, I just want to give up.
Sometimes I want to die. I just
want it to be over. Done. I want
to be finished with existing.

Then, I read the story.
I blast the music.
I sing the song.
Close my eyes and dream.

There will be a day.
I won't feel like shit.
My dreams will not be black.
And my songs will be happy.

Urgency

Jan. 26th, 2015 11:07 pm
bleedingangel84: (pansies)
Thoughts feel-
sharp and bright
in my head-
lightning,
playing
across my mind.

Thoughts-
fill my head
red as blood-
flowing , pulsing-
from an
open wound.

Breath is ice,
heart burns like fire-
searing infernal heat-
a candle into wildfire-
turning me to colorless-
ashes.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
Don't you know
I remember the song
even after the face is blurred?

Memories tangled up with lyrics,
Songs fill me with the echoes of
heartache, and I bleed.

My face smiles,
my eyes shed tears,
I hold my blade against my flesh
and breathe.

Finally, relief!

It's the one thing that never left me,
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Fierce in my pain--
I want to bite, to
scratch and claw--
cut my own body--
until my skin is-
flayed apart like meat.

Grey smoke is my thoughts--
swirling, dripping, burning--
rushing and racing-
fast and slow--
chaos with too many
empty spaces.

My lips pull apart--
not a smile, but a mask--
everything's a lie,
but you see,
I am fine.

That's what everyone sees--
but deep inside, I ponder death--
not with fear, but with relief--
an end to the insanity of life.

Still, I carry on--
grit my teeth--
search for reasons--
to rise from sleep--
that I wish would never end.

I sing at the top of my lungs--
with tears in my eyes.
I raise a triumphant fist-
when all I want is to die.

I will survive.
These thoughts--
will not beat me--
I am--
Relentlessly--
alive.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I feel like I'm snapping a twig.
I wish like fuck I could cut,
Or get wasted.
Stoned.
High.
Something--
I wish I could just forget
I exist
Even if for just a short
space of time

Heart Roar

Jun. 22nd, 2014 02:39 am
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
A/N: This is something that was apparently trapped inside me and begged to get out. It's raw and not that good, but I'm leaving it here anyway. Anyway, the part of me that wants to say fuck it kinda reared it's head tonight. Which I think is actually a good sign, because for once, at this moment, I don't want to die. I feel like I can find the will to make it a little while longer.


I need to speak.
To write,
To scream,
To cry,
To fight,
To kiss,
To fuck,
To dare,
To laugh.

Lay myself bare.
Broken and scarred,
Battered and scratched-
Sit naked in the grass-
Cool wind against -
imperfect body.

I dance-
Don't watch!
You'd think it
grotesque.
Frankenstein's monster
Trying to follow a beat!
How absurd!

I'm in a crowd,
but I'm lonely.
Feeling no connection
With the human race.
Don't you know,
my brain is
riding a different wave.

I'm a puzzle piece
that never quite fit
in the grooves they set.
I'm silent when
It's time to speak,
And I cry when
the world laughs.

I used to
pray for conformity,
but now I simply wish
To be myself-
if I can find her
among what's left.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Back again to the beginning of me
Pain was part of my breath-
my formation incomplete-
no air-
webbed feet-
alien child.

Even then-
I knew too much
about death-
my home was-
on the other side
But I chose to stay.

Struggling

Feb. 4th, 2014 04:35 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
A/N: Trigger Warning- Graphic scenes of self injury described in poetic format. I'm having a hard time lately, but I have not self-injured lately, nor do I intend to. I just had to find a way to deal with myself, and I figured writing was less messy than cutting, so I wrote this.

Waking up to a grey day-

Feeling trapped within her skin-
animal-
wild-
feral-

Chaos brain-
anguish-
scattered thoughts-
broken dreams-

Peace comes-
on a blade,
sharp edges-
carving lines and
Xs-

Blood rises up-
in splotches-
perfectly round-
somehow calming.

She feels-
human-
for
another day.

Mindset

Jan. 26th, 2014 10:23 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Craving self-destruction
like the starving
crave food.

Desperate and hungering
to leave the worst
of myself behind.

This body is a burden
I no longer want to bear,
but it's a mask I'm
not allowed to shed.

Slivers

Jan. 26th, 2014 08:12 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Leaving my body behind
in the realm called reality.

My brain floats above,
lost in the ether.

Half here and half-gone,
no anchor to hold me.

Loneliness screaming
from scattered consciousness.

Awareness screaming through me
sudden as a speeding bullet.

Rise

Jan. 16th, 2014 10:59 pm
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
See yourself through eyes of love,
not through eyes of condemnation.

Transform the pain into determination
to be better than they say you can.

Fight, damn it!
Fight!
Float above
their hurtful ignorance.

You are a survivor.
You are beautiful.
You are strong.
You are a gift.

Rise above
the ashes of your hurt-
whole, gorgeous and free.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
No one ever tells you
when you lose someone
that grief flows like water.

It's like a tide,
going in and out.
Some days it throbs
like a gaping wound,
and others
it's like a paper cut.

It's fog that
drifts along the
edges of thoughts,
colouring the world
in shades of grey.

Profile

bleedingangel84: (Default)
bleedingangel84

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