bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I felt a bit shocked when I found out Mindy McCready had killed herself. I always liked her music, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that she's gone, but I hope that she is free from the pain she experienced in this life. My thoughts and prayers are with her children and family. Remember her for the beautiful gift of music she shared with the world. Rest in peace, Mindy. Thank you for the lovely songs you shared with us. I hope that your soul finds rest on the other side. Blessed be.

I've played the song "I'll See You Yesterday" twice already. So much beauty and pain in that song. I couldn't help crying. I've felt the same things the song describes too many times to count. It was heartbreaking to hear it given voice to so clearly. The song is haunting. Maybe because I know she finally let go. I've always been taught that suicide is a sin, but the Creator that I choose to have faith in would not torture people for being desperate and in pain. That's what suicide is about: pain that feels too big to be contained in one physical body. And I'm sorry, but I don't think being in pain is a crime.

I've lost people I cared for to suicide and found out after the fact. And yes, it hurts like hell to lose them. It makes you wonder. You ask all kinds of questions: Why? How? What could I have done? You feel a little guilty.  What if there was something you could've done to prevent this? The person I lost wasn't a family member. He was a teacher of mine in high school, and in a lot of ways, I felt felt very close to him. We shared common ground in a sense, because he had physical challenges as well. He was a mentor to me. He made me feel that it was possible to do whatever I wanted in spite of my CP. He himself had a birth defect that meant he had no legs,. He had knees, and feet, but he'd been born without legs.

Yet, he went to college and became a teacher. He had a family.  He traveled. He made me love history. He told me he knew I could do whatever I wanted to. It was easier to believe him when he said it, because he'd done it himself. It felt like having the rug pulled out from under me when I heard what had happened, and I felt devastated. But, I also know what it feels like to be suicidal. To feel as if the world would be better if you weren't here. I've struggled and still struggle with that from time to time, so I hold no judgement for anyone who faces suicide. I know it's not easy to live with that kind of pain every day.

Sometimes it seems impossible to overcome it. It's easy to be angry when suicide happens, but it's important to remember that a person is more than the sum of one event. Suicide leaves holes behind, but suicide doesn't somehow make a person less than they have been. Remember the good, the bad, and the imperfect, remember laughter...remember life, not death.
bleedingangel84: (rose in rain)
I'm actually happy right now. I feel good. I've been doing my best to look on the bright side of things, which is a really good change. I'm finding little things that make me happy every day, even if it's nothing but eating a piece of candy or enjoying a cup of tea. I'm also making it a point to keep myself hydrated, which has been a huge help. Drinking enough fluids is one thing I've struggled with for a very long time. Being hydrated alone makes a major difference. I feel much more awake and alive than I have in a long while, and I like the feeling.

Most importantly, I feel less helpless and hopeless. I'm standing up for myself more in small ways, but it feels amazing. It makes me realize that I don't have to give up. I can become more self-sufficient, which is really the only thing I've ever wanted from my life. It may be an uphill battle, but there is no reason for me to feel bad about myself, so long as I keep trying.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
This song is by Idina Menzel, who was the original Elphaba in the musical Wicked. I never got the chance to see this play, and I always wished I could've seen it with her in it, but the closest I got was a rather grainy YouTube playlist that someone was kind enough to upload, which has probably since been removed. Anyhow, I loved the play, and I fell head-over-heels for Idina's lovely voice. At some point, she released an album. This is one of the songs from it that I just happened to listen to tonight when I really needed a burst of something positive, and this helped. A lot. So I thought I might share with you guys, since I've posted so much gloom-and-doom lately. Hope you enjoy. This had me crying tears of hope for the first time in a long while.

bleedingangel84: (Default)
What do I know about anything? I'm just a human being trying to cope with life the best I can, and praying that Creator takes mercy on me when it's all said and done. I question what I believe a lot. I think the way you treat people is  more important than any belief system you claim anyway. I just hope I am not a judgemental prick. I've known more than my fair share of them, and I really hate that kind of behavior. We all have the right to be, regardless of differences. We are all valuable and unique.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
His voice makes me think of soft, sweet rain
That falls slow against my skin.

The taste of hope now lingers in the air I breathe,
so heavy it almost hurts.

I pray that I never lose this feeling, as I tumble-
Much too quickly-into the land of half-formed dreams.


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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