Skulls and Angels

Can anyone guess what my favorite swear word has been lately? in starts with an "F". I should preface this by saying that "fuck" is a word I try to use sparingly. For me, it's like the Cool Whip of swear words, if you will. But lately, I've been using that one like it's going out of style.  I'm fighting the urge to just roll over and give up. I have a lot of anger coming from somewhere inside me, and swearing helps release the tension I feel. I figure that could only be a good thing,

All I really want is to feel calm and rested. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?

Too bad life is still throwing curve balls at my damn head too fast for me to even contemplate catching them.

My grandmother's husband, who is for all intents and purposes, my grandfather, has a spot on his lung that may or may not be cancer.

Have I mentioned how much I hate that disease?

I really fucking hate it.

I keep having flashbacks  to my dad.

I miss him so much.

I'm not suicidal now, just angry.

I want to hurt something.

I want to hit something.

I am angry, and I wish I could hurt. But I'm not allowed to

*growls at the world in general*

My father had to go to the hospital yesterday morning at 4:00AM. He had been coughing up blood. He is on blood thinners because of previously mentioned blood clots in his lungs to keep him from forming others. They told him this was normal and SENT HIM HOME. (Dumb asses!) He got back home at around 8:15AM and was doing okay. Around 2:00PM, he told me to call my grandmother because he needed to go back to the hospital, but she wasn't at home. Her husband answered and said that he would take my father. I couldn't have taken him myself, because I'm physically disabled, and cannot drive.

My father was too weak at that point to even make it out to the vehicle. He couldn't breathe. So, I called 911, and it took about twenty minutes for them to get there. I have never in my life been so scared. He told the EMT that he was drowning in his own blood. I couldn't do anything but sit there and pray, feeling helpless. We waited for what felt like forever for news. Anyway, they admitted him last night, and they're trying to find out what is causing the bleeding. They've said it could be the cancer, the blood thinners, or something else entirely.  His white cell count was elevated as well, which means there is an infection somewhere. Goody. At any rate, they have him stabilized, so that's at least a little bit positive. He's breathing much better, and ate some food last night.

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can handle without cracking up. I want so much to be there for my dad, but I feel so useless. I can't drive, so I can't even take him to treatments or anything. I try to make sure to tell him I love him every day, and to ask if he needs help, but it's very rare that he lets me do anything for him.  Oh, how I wish I could take his cancer away. It hurts so badly to have to watch and wait, and see him go through all this and be able to do nothing. Sometimes, I just want a break from all this,  And then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I just want to fly away from it all. I'm trying to hold it together, but in all honesty, I'm not sure what to do.I feel at loose ends since all this started, and it's awful.