bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I had to try on clothes today. That always triggers the not-good, hate my body feeling. Being told 'we need to get some weight off those legs" hurts. Badly.

I'm trying not to give into my impulses to starve myself.

I know it's such a stupid thing to get triggered over, but damn it, I can't help it.

i felt like a complete failure at that moment.

I'm healthy, but now I feel fat and ugly.

I feel worthless as all fuck right now, It's stupid, I know, but I do.

I wish i could just disappear from the face of the planet.

I don't mean to bellyache all over my journal, but I had to get that out.

*cries*

In the first place, that was a sucky thing to say, and in the second, my body is MINE, and doesn't belong to anyone else.

I just want to hit something.

*screams*
bleedingangel84: (broken doll)
That's all. I want to cry until there is nothing left, I'm anxious and antsy and waiting for the dam to bust. It would be such a relief to just cry and dissolve this fucking damn tension inside.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm really struggling lately with the desire to engage in some self-destructive behaviors. The urges are in my mind a lot lately. I haven't given in to anything, but the thought is there in my head. There is a certain person who seems to be setting this thought off a lot, and I can't get away from her. I have no intentions of acting on these thoughts, but the fact that they are in my head at all really bothers me.  Part of my head is begging me to act on them, but the more rational (thankfully larger) part of me knows it's not a good idea. I feel like I'm hurting somewhere deep inside on a level I can't even describe. It has nothing to do with physical pain.

It's more of a soul-deep, animalistic urge to howl until I get all the hurt out of me. I hurt inside, and I can't pinpoint why. I've been busier and much more active lately, but I still feel lonely and isolated. There's no one I know who can help me address that feeling. Talking about it with my family only makes me feel worse. And most of the people I consider friend enough to talk this over with are either busy, far away, online or some combination of all three of those. I'm on emotional overload, and I feel ready to explode if I don't find some way to feel better soon.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Okay. I have a YouTube account. I have a Google account. I mainly use it as a backup email and storage depository for fics that I've either written or that I like. I don't make videos on YouTube. I only WATCH videos on YouTube. I have done so for years. It is one of my main ways I keep distracted when the badness inevitably starts in my head. I have swallowed stupid design changes with minimal complaint until now. Now, they have redesigned YouTube channels in favor of creators. You are now REQUIRED to have a channel trailer. I have only ever uploaded one video to YouTube at the request of someone who asked me to, and I have no plans to ever upload more.

I am a private person. I am a boring person. I barely leave my house. Hell, if I could physically get away with not saying a word to anyone sometimes, I would do it. I mainly have my YouTube account to keep track of my playlists of videos I like. I occasionally comment on something. That's it. I don't give a flying fuck about subscribers, being "connected" or any of that bullshit, yet now I'm required to have a Google+ page for my YouTube or my account gets deleted? That fucking sucks. And we're being FORCED to upgrade to the damn thing!

Newsflash, Google: Not everyone wants to "Connect". Not everyone wants to "Share". Not everyone thinks new and improved is automatically better. And no one I know of appreciates being forced into things against their will just to use a service like YouTube. The new changes bite donkey dick. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I prefer the old YouTube. I would rather not be forced to integrate two services I would appreciate keeping separate, thank you very much. I want to keep the username I've always had. I want my old purple background on my channel page, not some utilitarian thing that looks like absolute shit. And I don't want to be forced to have a Google+ page that I have NO damn intentions of using, EVER. I like my privacy. I could give a fuck less about interacting on Google+.

I don't want my services connected. I just want to watch my videos and store them the way I always did. Why is it that no site seems to care about its user base anymore?

Sometimes technology royally blows.

And that's my rant for today.

I may go cry now.

Take care, LJ!

I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.
 
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father passed away this morning. I feel numb and sad, but I am so glad he's not hurting. Seeing him struggling to breathe near the end was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It was painful to hear. It feels so odd not to have him here. I just miss knowing he was always in the next room. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like someone let the air out of me and I'm not sure what to do with myself.

RL issues

Dec. 20th, 2010 04:45 am
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father is not doing well. I'm worried and frustrated. He won't go to the hospital. He's had either two or three rounds of antibiotics and tons of other medicine and inhalers and all that mess. He got better and worse them better, and now, worse again.  They wanted to admit him last time he went to the doctor. He could barely breathe. I am so scared of what might happen, angry and frustrated. I wish I could make myself not angry. just wave a wand and make him better. He's the one sick, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm horrible for being so selfish. Uggh. I'm not handling this well at all.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
A lifeless corpse, she laid there, smiling.
Death had come on soft wings
to bring her shelter from the pain.

Looking at her, all I could think was-
God, what beautiful bones.
Tears of envy rolled down my face
As I whispered a furtive goodbye.

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