Skulls and Angels

So, 2014 has been more or less peaceful so far. I've spent the last few days reading V. C. Andrews' Dollanganger series for the first time. Those books are (for me) extremely thought-provoking. I've been wanting to read them for years upon years and finally decided to go for it and order them with some of my Christmas gift card money. And for once, I did not feel guilty. I really wanted them, so I got them. I also got another series of books I've been wanting to read for years. As silly as this might sound, I am proud of myself for doing that. I had been talking myself out of getting them for a long time because I didn't feel as if I deserved them. It felt frivolous and wrong to spend money on pleasure when I could save the money for a rainy day. I used to always feel twinges of guilt when I spent money on anything for myself, because I felt that was selfish. This is one of the first times ever I haven't felt massive guilt for getting something I wanted that I chose for myself.

I'm afraid of being criticized by my relatives. Most of the time, they very much are not shy about voicing their beliefs and opinions. Most of the time, their opinions also happen to be the antithesis of my own, so life among them can get rather emotionally painful at times. That is why I'm so grateful for my friends, who give me the support my family is oftentimes too narrow-minded to give. I can't blame them for this. They do the best they know how, but they don't realize how much some words and actions can hurt. Try as I might to tell them, it's hard to bring attention to a problem that no one but you actually sees as a problem.

I'm doing my best to stay true to what I feel is right, regardless of whether anyone in my "real" life agrees with my opinions or not. It's freeing to realize that I can have my own opinions on matters. I am, quite frankly, grateful to be different from those I was born into. I'm not saying that either of us is any better or worse than the other, but I am deeply thankful not to be quite as close-minded as those around me. I can let them be and still be myself. And that is an incredible realization because for the longest time, I felt like I was swimming against a tide that was pulling me under.

Things aren't perfect. I still get frustrated by close-minded attitudes, but the positive is, I don't share them. Closed-minded people are almost pitiful, because there is so much good in the word they don't see.

I was going to add my New Year's Resolutions to this post, but I think I've been long-winded enough in this one, so I'll put those in a separate post. Hope everyone is well. <3

I felt a bit shocked when I found out Mindy McCready had killed herself. I always liked her music, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that she's gone, but I hope that she is free from the pain she experienced in this life. My thoughts and prayers are with her children and family. Remember her for the beautiful gift of music she shared with the world. Rest in peace, Mindy. Thank you for the lovely songs you shared with us. I hope that your soul finds rest on the other side. Blessed be.


I've played the song "I'll See You Yesterday" twice already. So much beauty and pain in that song. I couldn't help crying. I've felt the same things the song describes too many times to count. It was heartbreaking to hear it given voice to so clearly. The song is haunting. Maybe because I know she finally let go. I've always been taught that suicide is a sin, but the Creator that I choose to have faith in would not torture people for being desperate and in pain. That's what suicide is about: pain that feels too big to be contained in one physical body. And I'm sorry, but I don't think being in pain is a crime.

I've lost people I cared for to suicide and found out after the fact. And yes, it hurts like hell to lose them. It makes you wonder. You ask all kinds of questions: Why? How? What could I have done? You feel a little guilty.  What if there was something you could've done to prevent this? The person I lost wasn't a family member. He was a teacher of mine in high school, and in a lot of ways, I felt felt very close to him. We shared common ground in a sense, because he had physical challenges as well. He was a mentor to me. He made me feel that it was possible to do whatever I wanted in spite of my CP. He himself had a birth defect that meant he had no legs,. He had knees, and feet, but he'd been born without legs.

Yet, he went to college and became a teacher. He had a family.  He traveled. He made me love history. He told me he knew I could do whatever I wanted to. It was easier to believe him when he said it, because he'd done it himself. It felt like having the rug pulled out from under me when I heard what had happened, and I felt devastated. But, I also know what it feels like to be suicidal. To feel as if the world would be better if you weren't here. I've struggled and still struggle with that from time to time, so I hold no judgement for anyone who faces suicide. I know it's not easy to live with that kind of pain every day.

Sometimes it seems impossible to overcome it. It's easy to be angry when suicide happens, but it's important to remember that a person is more than the sum of one event. Suicide leaves holes behind, but suicide doesn't somehow make a person less than they have been. Remember the good, the bad, and the imperfect, remember laughter...remember life, not death.

I'm really thinking about my father a lot lately. I miss him, and part of me wishes that he were still here. I'm happy that he isn't hurting any longer, but there are plenty of things I'd love to share with him that I won't get to now, and I hate that. I'd love to be able to have him here with me again, just to hug him and tell him I love him. Nothing has been at all the same with him gone. For a long time, I felt as if I had no purpose in life now that he wasn't here. I may as well have been dead myself. Thankfully, though, things are getting much better.  I'm still not the greatest in terms of caring for myself, but I no longer regret waking up in the morning, and I'm beginning to care whether or not something happens to me again, so I'd say it a positive step forward, even if it's only a tiny one.

I have several really good friends who make sure that I have support when I need it, and help me to laugh when things are getting rough. I owe my continued existence on this plane to these people. I don't know that I'd have made it without them. I'm grateful beyond words that they are in this world.  I wish them every happiness in life. Few people are more deserving of it.

Also as silly and ludicrous as this might sound to some people. I'm grateful to the Harry Potter fandom. It has been a constant in my life for several years now. I have great friends who have been very supportive through all my roller coasting emotions. I never would've met some of them if not for the fandom. The stories are great, the boys are handsome, and the fangirls and fanboys are amazing people. What's not to love about fandom? It all rocks. Anyway, you guys get my point. Fandom makes my life better.

I'm learning how it feels just to be, without automatically having to apologize for every little thing. Let me tell you, that is HARD work for me.

As far as my resolutions go, I'm still trying to stick to them. Though I haven't really spent as much time with my sister as I'd like to, the other three are going along pretty well. I'm laughing more, writing more, and trying harder to avoid feeling guily when I treat myself or buy things I need. Only time will tell if I mange that last one, but things are getting a little bit better, despite my rough patches.

I finally broke down and made an account. It's not easy learning the way around new places, but there are a lot of things I like here already.