Skulls and Angels

Apparently there is a meme going around, and I've been tagged by my_thestral. Sooo...here are five things that make me happy:

1. My nephews-No matter how much the rest of my family gets on my last nerve sometimes, my nephews can always, always make me smile or laugh.


2. The Supreme Court marriage equality ruling-I believe love is a good thing, and that same-sex couples should have the same legal rights and protections under the law as opposite-sex couples enjoy. No one deserves to be undervalued or treated as less-than in this day and age.


3. Reading books/fanfiction-These two things are my escape when life gets too hairy. When I'm reading, my physical limitations don't hamper the experience for me, and I can use my imagination to feel what the characters feel.


4. Writing-I like to paint pictures with words. I want to write things that make people think and make people feel, even if only just a little. If my writing makes someone feel something, then I've done what I set out to do.


5. Music/singing-It's just something I love to do and experience. I like all kinds of different music, and I feel there is something healing in it.

I'm going to tag:

nenne, alisanne, veritas03, roelliej

I'm having one of those days. It's warm and sunny outside, but inside, I feel massively depressed. I don't even know why I feel that way today, but I do. I just want to get one of my blades and make hambuger out of my skin. Usually, I can pinpoint what triggers the urge, but not today. If I had to guess, I'd say it's just feeling anxious and insecure. I usually deal with both of those things in varying degrees just fine. I have healthy ways to cope, but right now, I don't want to cope in a healthy way. The urge has been boiling under the surface all day, even when my nephew was here for school. I know I don't need that. I don't want to have to start wearing long sleeves again just when my state is getting hotter than hell. I know all that. But the rebelling, pissed off part of me is whining. at me to do it, and I honestly think that if I were on my own, I would do it and not give one, fat, flipping, flying, fuck about consequences.

Some part of me still has good sense, obviously. I'm writing this instead of cutting, after all. I don't mean to whine. I'm not looking for attention. I just feel so tired of being at war with myself. My good sense is winning, but my armour is rusted right now. School is over for the day. I'm tired, and I'm crying. Music is going. I'll keep busy until this annoying gnat of a thought passes me by, or sleep, but I felt like I needed to busy my hands for a little while. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I really wish I could just go hurt something inanimate without getting a WTF look from anyone. I just wish I was over.

I'm sorry I keep writing entries like this. Feel free to drive on by.

My older sister is sick. She was running a really high fever today, had tachycardia and high blood pressure, so she went to the doctor. They put her on two weeks of Augmentin. They aren't sure what's causing the tachycardia, but hopefully what they're doing will help some. I just want her to get better. She's my only sister, and I'd be devastated if something happened to her. Why is it that when things like this happen, they seem to pile up? First, my grandmother breaks her hip and has to get a replacement. Then, after she'd begun to recover from that, the car accident happened. All of that was bad enough in itself, and now my sister is ill. I can't help feeling like enough is enough. I hate to see my family in pain or going through illness. If I could take it away from them, I would do so in a heartbeat. I can't though, and I feel so fucking helpless.

If you are so inclined, please think good thoughts or send prayers for my family. Either of those are something I would greatly appreciate right now. Thanks.

So my Easter was...uncomfortable. I am so grateful my cousin's girlfriend's dog was there. He stuck by me almost the whole time we were there. I didn't talk much because I was busy petting him and talking to him.

We had hamburgers, hotdogs, sausages, baked beans and potato salad, none of which are things that I would voluntarily eat because, just...no. There was also some sort of weird broccoli/cauliflower bacon salad-type thing, and Fritos scoops with spinach dip.

For dessert, there was a deconstructed chocolate eclair thing, which was nice, and my sister made peanut-butter lasagna, which was a recipe she found on pinterest. There were cupcakes and banana pudding as well.

I was a good girl and ate the food without moaning, mostly because it was a special occasion. Everything was all well and fine until my mother's siblings came from their church's Easter program. These are people that I'm grateful to see only two to three times a year at most.

My aunt started asking me questions about what I was up to in my life. I managed to navigate those, but before I could breathe a sigh of relief, my aunt brought up church. She asked me if I'd gone to church that morning, and I said no. She asked why I hadn't. I said that I just hadn't. She asked me if I was even looking for a church to go to, and I said no, because my experiences with the Christian school that I went to just causes the thought of going to church every week to stir up negative emotions. I said this to her. I did my best not to be rude. I wasn't mean and didn't swear,
even though I REALLY wanted to.

I also said that my relationship with God is personal to me, and that the church isn't just a building, it's people. You'd have thought I was demon-possessed or some shit. My uncle, bless his heart, could tell I was uncomfortable and tried to lighten the situation by saying what I really needed was a man to motivate me to go to church.

I was just...no.

Luckily, about then, my grandmother was ready to go, and I was able to escape their clutches mostly unscathed.

My question is this: Why the hell is what I choose to believe or disbelieve in anyone's business but my own? I don't go around hurting people or killing babies. Why the fuck does it make a difference to them that I don't choose to patronise a building each week? The Creator that I choose to believe in does not care. He/She/They/It/Whomever knows my inside, and I'm not doing shit to please anybody when it makes my soul and heart hurt. I'm sorry, but I won't.

I don't even care what someone else's beliefs are. I haven't voluntarily entered a church since I was about 15. That doesn't make me immoral or lost, even if they seem to think so. I believe in the the freedom to believe or not, as someone chooses. The role of religion and/or spirituality in a person's life has to be an individual chioce, at least to my thinking. I've had enough of having other people's beliefs and ideologies forced down my throat to last several lifetimes, so I don't force what I believe on people. I'm not here for that, and I don't appreciate when they do it to me. It hurts and it just makes me want to scream.

I am, for once, looking forward to this weekend. I have every intention of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower tomorrow. It is one of my favorite movies ever. I can relate to both that movie and book in some way that defies being quantified. I recently bought it on Amazon for less than $5. New. I guess it must've been meant for me to have it.

I have been struggling lately. I can't say that I'm actively suicidal. I have no plans to do anything that drastic, but I have been thinking about death a lot. The self-destructive side of me is rearing its head a little. I'm doing my best to ignore that and get on with self-care, but in all honesty, that's not what I want to do. I just feel like I'm going to explode if this keeps up. I'm almost looking forward to that because it would be something different. I don't even know how to make that make sense to anyone else, but everything in my life, especially lately, always feels the same. I'm around the same people and I do the same things every day. And that's all well and good. But, there's a part of me that wishes I was anywhere else doing anything else and with anyone else.

I literally have had no personal face-to-face contact with anyone who isn't in my family for months now. Even when I do get out of my house to go for supplies and food, it's my family that takes me. I just feel the urge to scream sometimes. I love my family. and I know they love me. I wish them no ill will. I'm thankful for all they do for me. But, sometimes I wish things were different.

I guess that's all I have to say. I hope everyone is well.

My nephew started school today. I have one word to say to that: Yikes! I don't think I was made to be a teacher. At least not a math teacher. I suck at it. Numbers are just not my strong point. The upside is that I'm not in tears this year. That's an improvement over last year's state of affairs. So...yay? I think? I don't know. I just hope I'm a better teacher this year than I was last year. At least this Monday is done.

I left on a family vacation on the tenth. Some things I enjoyed a lot, and some things I didn't. We ate every meal out. It was either fast food or buffet. That was one of the things I really didn't enjoy so much. I don't think I felt properly hungry once during the trip, because it was always food, food, food. Every time I turned around, it felt like we were getting something to eat. My uncle had to pull over on the drive up the mountain so I could toss my cookies, which was no fun at all.  On the night before we came home, I had an upset stomach and spent part of the night with my forehead on the rim of the motel bath tub.

The parts of the trip not related to food or being sick were a bit better. I enjoyed the museum we got to go to very much. There was a really interesting nature show about birds that I enjoyed seeing. I got to see a screech owl up close, which was spectacular. Also, none of the birds defecated on me, which I was extremely happy about. After we left the bird show, we went on rides. I rode two roller coasters, a Ferris wheel, and two water rides. My uncle and my brother-in-law were really amazing about helping me on and off the rides. I'm really pleased that I let myself have that experience.

The shopping portions of the trip weren't quite so fun for me. We went to a Christmas shop and a quilt outlet where they also sold wall art and things. The Christmas shop had some really cute things to look at, so it wasn't horrible to be there. The quilt shop was definitely not my cup of tea. I don't sleep in a bed, and I had no inclination right then to buy a picture, so I was in quite the sour mood there, especially considering the food situation during the trip. I feel quite sorry that my aunt and my sister had to deal with me. I did apologize afterward, but I'm not proud of myself for being a Negative Nellie.

All I really wanted was a T-shirt, which we didn't end up getting because it was nearing time to get food. We went to eat at Golden Corral, and something I ate there disagreed with me, because I woke up with my stomach rolling like a tidal wave. It was painful and rather malodorous.

Overall, I was quite glad to see the end of the vacation and get back home. I did get to see elks, a bear cub, and deer when we drove through a national park, which was nice.I think I'd have enjoyed everything more without the copious amounts of fast food. If I go anywhere again, I'm taking at least some of my own food. I don't care if they think I'm weird and rude for doing so, I'd rather have my system comfortable than in a giant upheaval for three days.

So, those were the ups and downs of my vacation. I'm not really in a rush to take another. The upside of it all was getting to spend time with my nephews. They just make everything better.

I'm currently recovering from a slight sunburn I got while going swimming with my sister, aunt, cousin. and nephews in my cousin's pool on Wednesday. How I managed to get burned when I carry SPF 85 sunscreen and reapply often is beyond me, but it happened.

We're having a family dinner tomorrow after my nephews get in another round of swimming. It's homemade Mexican food, so it should be delicious.

I hope everyone is doing well. I've missed you all. Yesterday was the first day I felt able to come online since the vacation. I spent massive amounts of time sleeping after we got home. It was just so nice to get back into a more normal routine again that I more or less reveled in being home and eating proper food. I don't mean to sound odd or snobbish, but it was truly a relief for me.

Bright blessings to all.

I feel like crying, and I really don't wanna. I need some happy. Some funny, silly, cute something, because I'm quite on the edge of some rather fierce whimpers at the moment, and it's kinda making me pissed off at myself, and I'd really rather not be feeling these emotions.  I don't need to be pissed off at myself. I've done nothing at all wrong. I'm just having sucky feelings right now. Forgive me for being such a downer lately. I don't mean to whine so much about myself, but it's that or go bananas and explode. I figure posting here is safer for all concerned. Thanks, everyone. Art recs, story recs, whatever you feel inclined to share, please do. I'll even gladly take prompts if someone wants a fic or something. I can't do art, but I can try to bang out a fic if anyone wants to read it.

Today was...well, I 'd say the title about says it all. It was bad. It was awful. It was nearly panic-attack inducing. I was about one centimeter away from hyperventilating during parts of it. Thank the goddess that my chest isn't sore, because that really sucks.

Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.

If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.

Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.

Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.

But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.

I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift.  So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.

One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.

I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.

Good night, all. <3

I'm having one of those days. I really feel like being self destructive right now, and I'm trying not to. I'm trying soo hard, and I want to sooo badly. I've had a really shit day and for some reason I want to take that out on myself, which I know probably sounds like the stupidest thing ever, but...yeah. It's how I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I want to. I want it so much that I might be scared if I actually had the energy to do anything.  I know it's probably just because I'm tired and feeling like poo someone has trod on several times, so I will do the sensible thing and attempt to make myself sleep. Shit. Sometimes I hate being an adult.