Skulls and Angels

Sometimes people make my heart hurt. Facebook can be a morass of negativity, especially if it's anything lgbtq related and you're from the South. Seriously, people, just learn not to say anything if you can't be respectful about shit. If I were a drinking person, these people would push me over the edge sometimes. Eesh. Seriously, where the hell did I come from, and how the hell can I go back?

At least I can thank the Creator for allowing me an open mind. What was it Ghandi said?

"I like your Christ, but I don't like your Christians?"

Kinda sums up how I feel right now. And most of the time, actually.

I don't see why people say things that are so hurtful. What good does that do anyone?

Please, do not ever, ever, ever let me be a judgemental asshat person. I couldn't stand myself if I was.

So many fics I want to save before the sites close, and so little time to do it in.  First things first is I guess finding out who all only has fics on Hex. I want to save things from harrys_boxers, shadowsamurai, roxierose13, Alysian Fields, and so many others. I'm despairing of ever being able to save everything though. EEk! Side note: If anyone reads this and knows where the last installment of the Escort Service by Cheryl Dyson is posted, do please tell me. I know I read it, but I can't think where. Gahh. I may give up and go to bed for now. I feel very shit-like at the moment. Hope everyone is well and safe.

Edit: Found the fic! Derr...I think I have some kind of mental block against FF.net. Eesh.

I'm having one of those days. It's warm and sunny outside, but inside, I feel massively depressed. I don't even know why I feel that way today, but I do. I just want to get one of my blades and make hambuger out of my skin. Usually, I can pinpoint what triggers the urge, but not today. If I had to guess, I'd say it's just feeling anxious and insecure. I usually deal with both of those things in varying degrees just fine. I have healthy ways to cope, but right now, I don't want to cope in a healthy way. The urge has been boiling under the surface all day, even when my nephew was here for school. I know I don't need that. I don't want to have to start wearing long sleeves again just when my state is getting hotter than hell. I know all that. But the rebelling, pissed off part of me is whining. at me to do it, and I honestly think that if I were on my own, I would do it and not give one, fat, flipping, flying, fuck about consequences.

Some part of me still has good sense, obviously. I'm writing this instead of cutting, after all. I don't mean to whine. I'm not looking for attention. I just feel so tired of being at war with myself. My good sense is winning, but my armour is rusted right now. School is over for the day. I'm tired, and I'm crying. Music is going. I'll keep busy until this annoying gnat of a thought passes me by, or sleep, but I felt like I needed to busy my hands for a little while. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I really wish I could just go hurt something inanimate without getting a WTF look from anyone. I just wish I was over.

I'm sorry I keep writing entries like this. Feel free to drive on by.

My older sister is sick. She was running a really high fever today, had tachycardia and high blood pressure, so she went to the doctor. They put her on two weeks of Augmentin. They aren't sure what's causing the tachycardia, but hopefully what they're doing will help some. I just want her to get better. She's my only sister, and I'd be devastated if something happened to her. Why is it that when things like this happen, they seem to pile up? First, my grandmother breaks her hip and has to get a replacement. Then, after she'd begun to recover from that, the car accident happened. All of that was bad enough in itself, and now my sister is ill. I can't help feeling like enough is enough. I hate to see my family in pain or going through illness. If I could take it away from them, I would do so in a heartbeat. I can't though, and I feel so fucking helpless.

If you are so inclined, please think good thoughts or send prayers for my family. Either of those are something I would greatly appreciate right now. Thanks.

Today, I wanted to die. Suicide still seems tempting, if I'm completely honest. I'm not looking for attention. I don't mean to worry people. I just want to say one thing: I am more than just my limitations. Sometimes it's really very easy to forget that when my family seems to emphasize them. I know I will feel this way again at some point in the future. I've gone through crying, and I've added pissed as fuck into the mix. As well as feeling guilty for wanting to end things, but it's how I feel. My quality of life is nearly nowhere, and the only thing that makes my existence somewhat tolerable is fandom. That, and my family, are part of what make me stay.And one of the people whom I stay for is also contributing to this issue, so that just makes things worse.I just want to scream. I feel like I look ahead, and all I see is bleak and blank nothing. That said, I'm not giving up. I want to, but I won't.

So my Easter was...uncomfortable. I am so grateful my cousin's girlfriend's dog was there. He stuck by me almost the whole time we were there. I didn't talk much because I was busy petting him and talking to him.

We had hamburgers, hotdogs, sausages, baked beans and potato salad, none of which are things that I would voluntarily eat because, just...no. There was also some sort of weird broccoli/cauliflower bacon salad-type thing, and Fritos scoops with spinach dip.

For dessert, there was a deconstructed chocolate eclair thing, which was nice, and my sister made peanut-butter lasagna, which was a recipe she found on pinterest. There were cupcakes and banana pudding as well.

I was a good girl and ate the food without moaning, mostly because it was a special occasion. Everything was all well and fine until my mother's siblings came from their church's Easter program. These are people that I'm grateful to see only two to three times a year at most.

My aunt started asking me questions about what I was up to in my life. I managed to navigate those, but before I could breathe a sigh of relief, my aunt brought up church. She asked me if I'd gone to church that morning, and I said no. She asked why I hadn't. I said that I just hadn't. She asked me if I was even looking for a church to go to, and I said no, because my experiences with the Christian school that I went to just causes the thought of going to church every week to stir up negative emotions. I said this to her. I did my best not to be rude. I wasn't mean and didn't swear,
even though I REALLY wanted to.

I also said that my relationship with God is personal to me, and that the church isn't just a building, it's people. You'd have thought I was demon-possessed or some shit. My uncle, bless his heart, could tell I was uncomfortable and tried to lighten the situation by saying what I really needed was a man to motivate me to go to church.

I was just...no.

Luckily, about then, my grandmother was ready to go, and I was able to escape their clutches mostly unscathed.

My question is this: Why the hell is what I choose to believe or disbelieve in anyone's business but my own? I don't go around hurting people or killing babies. Why the fuck does it make a difference to them that I don't choose to patronise a building each week? The Creator that I choose to believe in does not care. He/She/They/It/Whomever knows my inside, and I'm not doing shit to please anybody when it makes my soul and heart hurt. I'm sorry, but I won't.

I don't even care what someone else's beliefs are. I haven't voluntarily entered a church since I was about 15. That doesn't make me immoral or lost, even if they seem to think so. I believe in the the freedom to believe or not, as someone chooses. The role of religion and/or spirituality in a person's life has to be an individual chioce, at least to my thinking. I've had enough of having other people's beliefs and ideologies forced down my throat to last several lifetimes, so I don't force what I believe on people. I'm not here for that, and I don't appreciate when they do it to me. It hurts and it just makes me want to scream.

I went to a concert. I got to see Skillet, which is one of my favorite bands in any genre. And other bands, too, but Skillet just flat-ass rocked the house! It was extremely loud and full of pyrotechnic effects. Just wow. I could've done without the preaching and various pro-life agendas, but other than that, I was glad I went. It was good to leave the house.

May I please have hugs? I feel like I ask for those too often.I just want to hide somewhere.

Ugh...I was supposed to help my sister proofread something. She emailed it to me, and I didn't get it until just now. I feel so guilty. :'(

I hate myself right now.

I suppose it's more email fail than sister-fail, but still...

I really wish I could hurt myself.

I feel like I deserve it for letting my sister down.

*headdesking of major proportions*