Skulls and Angels

Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.

I'm going grocery shopping on Saturday. This excites me. How sad is that? I've seen Deathly Hallows twice since it came out, and been to Thanksgiving with the relatives. I shouldn't need to get out again so soon after all that, but I really do. Dad has been home sick so much with pneumonia. I'm still worried about his health, and his job , mainly because of how much he's been out. But having him here is driving me batty and bonkers and bananas and goodness knows what else.

It isn't that he invades my space. He doesn't. He is just ALWAYS here. I hate that that bothers me, but it does. So yes, I am very excited about getting out to go shop for my own groceries. I'll probably shop for Christmas too, which means I may come back skint, but hopefully my sanity will at least remain intact for a little while longer. Let's hope.

I'm so tired and drained and stressed. I'll shut up now.