bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I'm having one of those days. I took a few days to go completely offline. I've been reading a lot. Usually at least one book a day, sometimes two or three. I like it. It feels good to me. It's escape and freedom. Anyway, I'm also struggling with really intense urges to self-harm, but I haven't acted on any of those. I heard about Robin Williams, and it makes me sad. Oddly, I wasn't overly surprised when I heard he'd gone.  When I was watching his stand-up act on YouTube a while back, I couldn't help thinking there seemed to be a lot of sadness under that non-stop joking. That said, it made me cry when I heard.

I do not want to remember how he died, but how he lived. He was a wonderful and amazing human being. His movies helped me through many, many of my own depressed times, and I will continue to take comfort and hope from what he left behind. It is wonderful, and funny, and good.

Robin Williams, you will be missed, and you are loved, even in death. I hope that your soul finds the peace you deserve. Thank you for all the laughter. Thank you for all the times you touched my heart. Be at rest now.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Excuse me while I have a panic attack. I just heard that Hex/HPFandom are closing in a month. EEK! I don't even know where to begin saving, because I have I have no idea which authors have what where, if that makes any sense to anyone. I'm fighting to keep from bawling here, literally. There are so many authors I love, and just... this is heartbreaking. I can't even tell you how many times reading fics at either archive has saved my sanity. There is no way I can save everything I'd like to. I just want to curl up somewhere and cry. But before I do that, I will ask that you please consider donating to keep the sites open. I know money is tight these days and not everyone has extra to spare, but I would be beyond thankful. Even if you don't donate yourself, please at least spread the word. If there are enough donations, there's a chance the archives might stay open, at least for a while longer. I don't even want to think about these archives closing. I plan to try and donate at least a little if I can. Anyone who does donate and would like a story or ficlet from me for their trouble, I'd be glad to write it. Just leave me a prompt or a pairing or both, and I'll get to work on it as soon as I can. Thanks!

Above is the link to donate, if you feel so inclined.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
I feel like crying, and I really don't wanna. I need some happy. Some funny, silly, cute something, because I'm quite on the edge of some rather fierce whimpers at the moment, and it's kinda making me pissed off at myself, and I'd really rather not be feeling these emotions.  I don't need to be pissed off at myself. I've done nothing at all wrong. I'm just having sucky feelings right now. Forgive me for being such a downer lately. I don't mean to whine so much about myself, but it's that or go bananas and explode. I figure posting here is safer for all concerned. Thanks, everyone. Art recs, story recs, whatever you feel inclined to share, please do. I'll even gladly take prompts if someone wants a fic or something. I can't do art, but I can try to bang out a fic if anyone wants to read it.
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
It's always with the stupid triggers lately. I'm sick and fucking tired of this. As if that wasn't bad enough, this one came literally just after I'd got done saying that I was exercising so that people would have less reason to make comments on my weight. I want to keep myself healthy. I'm not a stick, but I work hard and I've literally worked my ass into the ground at certain points in my life. My grandmother said again that she wants me to lose weight The irony of this? I'm in a size small pair of sweats right now, and they are not tight on me. I cannot win in this family. I just can't. I don't care what I do, it's never enough. Fuck this shit. I wish I could stop this from affecting me. I'm tired of hurting because of them. And I'm pissed off. I do the best I can, and if they don't like it, tough shit. I'd rather be healthy and alive than a stick-thin corpse, I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it still shattered something in me. I'm not beyond being hurt by this yet, but I can't help it if what seems like a healthier weight to me looks big to them. I'm a shorty, any amount of weight on me seems like too much to them. I don't want to be unhealthy again. The rational part of me gets that. But apparently they want the bitch who refuses to eat back again. Fuck that. That's not me.

Excuse me for all these rants about this lately. Contrary to what it seems when I write about my family, I do love them. I know they mean well. They want me to be healthy and thin so that I have less stress on my body, but in my case, I cannot get to their conception of healthy without turning myself into sour-faced, hungry-ass bitch. I refuse.

I will be healthy. I will not deny myself food. I will not exercise to the point of damaging my body. I'm doing the best I can to survive my life right now and not give in to the part of me that wants to self-destruct, and it's extremely hard right now. I just want to be told I'm good enough the way I am, regardless of my weight. Weight is only a small part of who anyone is, but I never feel good enough for my family. Ever. I feel like defective merchandise someone forgot to return that no one really wants. Like I'm an old doll someone forgot they had in the back of a dark closet, but no one wants me anymore because I don't function the way they wish I would.

I wish sometimes that life had an escape hatch.

Forgive me for blathering on so much, but I don't want to internalize this crap.

If you read this, I appreciate it more than any words could ever say. I apologize for rehashing the same stupid shit over and over. I know it has to get boring after a while.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope everyone is well.


Feb. 25th, 2014 01:12 am
bleedingangel84: (reflected moon)
Guys, I'm having a rough time right now. As in, I can barely see to type because I'm crying. Nothing really happened, but yeah, emotionally, I'm doing very not good. Can I pleease have hugs? I hate to ask, but iI really need the support at the moment. Thanks. Hope everyone is well  tonight. <3
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm having one of those days when I just want to curl up and cry until I have no tears left. I'm lonely, and that's what hurts worst. I ache inside, and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me that it won't always be like that. I give up.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
These three songs will always and forever make me think of my father. He loved country music, old rock and roll, Evan Williams, horses, cigarettes and his family, but not necessarily in that order. I will love him and miss him every single day of my life. Love you, Daddy.

bleedingangel84: (Default)
For some reason, this song is doing some speaking to me tonight. I've always loved this group, and for some reason this one keeps running through my head. So, or course, I have to share. Still feeling a little wobbly, but not quite as close to the edge.

bleedingangel84: (Default)
First, Donna Summer-now Robin Gibb. So damn sad. Why does this have to happen? I loved both of these musicians, and I hate that they're gone.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I'm really thinking about my father a lot lately. I miss him, and part of me wishes that he were still here. I'm happy that he isn't hurting any longer, but there are plenty of things I'd love to share with him that I won't get to now, and I hate that. I'd love to be able to have him here with me again, just to hug him and tell him I love him. Nothing has been at all the same with him gone. For a long time, I felt as if I had no purpose in life now that he wasn't here. I may as well have been dead myself. Thankfully, though, things are getting much better.  I'm still not the greatest in terms of caring for myself, but I no longer regret waking up in the morning, and I'm beginning to care whether or not something happens to me again, so I'd say it a positive step forward, even if it's only a tiny one.

I have several really good friends who make sure that I have support when I need it, and help me to laugh when things are getting rough. I owe my continued existence on this plane to these people. I don't know that I'd have made it without them. I'm grateful beyond words that they are in this world.  I wish them every happiness in life. Few people are more deserving of it.

Also as silly and ludicrous as this might sound to some people. I'm grateful to the Harry Potter fandom. It has been a constant in my life for several years now. I have great friends who have been very supportive through all my roller coasting emotions. I never would've met some of them if not for the fandom. The stories are great, the boys are handsome, and the fangirls and fanboys are amazing people. What's not to love about fandom? It all rocks. Anyway, you guys get my point. Fandom makes my life better.

I'm learning how it feels just to be, without automatically having to apologize for every little thing. Let me tell you, that is HARD work for me.

As far as my resolutions go, I'm still trying to stick to them. Though I haven't really spent as much time with my sister as I'd like to, the other three are going along pretty well. I'm laughing more, writing more, and trying harder to avoid feeling guily when I treat myself or buy things I need. Only time will tell if I mange that last one, but things are getting a little bit better, despite my rough patches.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
A/N: Trigger Warning-contains discussion of eating disorders and related issues. This poem is what recovery feels like to me when I'm having a hard time. This was written as a kind of catharsis for me. I have no idea why it feels easier to express these things in poetic form, but there you have it. If you have any feedback, it's highly welcome. Support is also highly appreciated. The lowercase title is because days like that are when I feel bad about myself, so they deserve lowercase letters. Illogical logic, I know, but if e.e. cummings can be quirky, why not me? So, on with the scribbles!

This is my brain when it's been eaten by an eating disorder...or not... )
bleedingangel84: (Default)
I cried today when I saw he'd gone. I remember listening to The Monkees with dad in the morning when he'd play the oldies station before school, singing their songs with him. Their music always made me feel happy and safe, as if everything would be alright, just for a little while. I'm crying again writing this. I wish my father were here right now. Hearing this news makes me miss him that much more, but I know he's always with me.

Farewell, Davy Jones, thank you for helping to make music that shapes good memories of my father. That is a priceless gift that I'll always be grateful for. May you bless the other side with laughter and music. Peace and joy be with your spirit always.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
Heart bleeding,
eyes run clear.

Emptiness fills me.
Death lingers in
my thoughts
like the scent of
stale perfume.

He is gone.
Left me behind
like an empty shell-
Broken and jagged-
Resting on shifting sands.

Carry me away, to a place
where pain cannot hurt-please.
Blood flows from a self-made wound-
only a temporary peace.

I look up at you- and smile.
"I'm fine."
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father passed away this morning. I feel numb and sad, but I am so glad he's not hurting. Seeing him struggling to breathe near the end was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It was painful to hear. It feels so odd not to have him here. I just miss knowing he was always in the next room. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like someone let the air out of me and I'm not sure what to do with myself.


Dec. 29th, 2010 10:02 pm
bleedingangel84: (Blue flower (rose?))
My father starts chemo tomorrow. God, I'm freaking out here, but trying not to show it. I'm really scared for him, and I'm starting to feel trapped here. I really don't want to be here when he comes home, because I really do not want to fall apart. I feel guilty and angry and sad. I wish I had somewhere to go where I felt safe, but there is no place like that. They found two tumors in his lung when they did a CAT scan. I'm praying for him, but that's all I can do right now. I can't handle this.

RL issues

Dec. 20th, 2010 04:45 am
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My father is not doing well. I'm worried and frustrated. He won't go to the hospital. He's had either two or three rounds of antibiotics and tons of other medicine and inhalers and all that mess. He got better and worse them better, and now, worse again.  They wanted to admit him last time he went to the doctor. He could barely breathe. I am so scared of what might happen, angry and frustrated. I wish I could make myself not angry. just wave a wand and make him better. He's the one sick, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm horrible for being so selfish. Uggh. I'm not handling this well at all.
bleedingangel84: (Default)
My mood is a dozen shades of gray now. Disaster seems like a plague these days. Part of me wishes deep inside that I'd never existed at all. There's really no other way to say that. Suicidal doesn't describe what I feel. I don't know that there are enough words to articulate  my current emotional state. Maybe just a grrunt or a groan. There's nothing but silence now. I'm still avoiding people. I ache inside. Tears annoy me to no end. I just want to bleed. One second's relief should not be too much to ask.


bleedingangel84: (Default)

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