Always something...

[bleedingangel84]

It's always with the stupid triggers lately. I'm sick and fucking tired of this. As if that wasn't bad enough, this one came literally just after I'd got done saying that I was exercising so that people would have less reason to make comments on my weight. I want to keep myself healthy. I'm not a stick, but I work hard and I've literally worked my ass into the ground at certain points in my life. My grandmother said again that she wants me to lose weight The irony of this? I'm in a size small pair of sweats right now, and they are not tight on me. I cannot win in this family. I just can't. I don't care what I do, it's never enough. Fuck this shit. I wish I could stop this from affecting me. I'm tired of hurting because of them. And I'm pissed off. I do the best I can, and if they don't like it, tough shit. I'd rather be healthy and alive than a stick-thin corpse, I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it still shattered something in me. I'm not beyond being hurt by this yet, but I can't help it if what seems like a healthier weight to me looks big to them. I'm a shorty, any amount of weight on me seems like too much to them. I don't want to be unhealthy again. The rational part of me gets that. But apparently they want the bitch who refuses to eat back again. Fuck that. That's not me.

Excuse me for all these rants about this lately. Contrary to what it seems when I write about my family, I do love them. I know they mean well. They want me to be healthy and thin so that I have less stress on my body, but in my case, I cannot get to their conception of healthy without turning myself into sour-faced, hungry-ass bitch. I refuse.

I will be healthy. I will not deny myself food. I will not exercise to the point of damaging my body. I'm doing the best I can to survive my life right now and not give in to the part of me that wants to self-destruct, and it's extremely hard right now. I just want to be told I'm good enough the way I am, regardless of my weight. Weight is only a small part of who anyone is, but I never feel good enough for my family. Ever. I feel like defective merchandise someone forgot to return that no one really wants. Like I'm an old doll someone forgot they had in the back of a dark closet, but no one wants me anymore because I don't function the way they wish I would.

I wish sometimes that life had an escape hatch.

Forgive me for blathering on so much, but I don't want to internalize this crap.

If you read this, I appreciate it more than any words could ever say. I apologize for rehashing the same stupid shit over and over. I know it has to get boring after a while.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope everyone is well.

Comments

[alisanne.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*
It's always our family who can push our buttons, isn't it? :(
I'm sorry someone is making you feel this way, hon. I only hope that the ones who are doing this to you realize how badly they are hurting you and that they stop. You deserve so much better. ♥

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you so much. Sometimes family seems like a double-edged sword, at least in my personal experience. <3

[my_thestral]

Girl, you're going to be alright, as soon as you relax a little.:)
You already have the right mindset, which is something that's the hardest to achieve - but you'll never be able to change the world to a point that it stops hurting you. You either have to build a tolerance/resistance to it, or learn to expect it and just roll your eyes up at it or even take it with a healthy amount of humor. Because you can't change them all.
There will always be someone, well-meaning or not at all, who's not going to be complimentary, who's not going to take into the account how much you've already achieved and that you're on a good way to be healthy, and that it fucking doesn't matter to comply with their expectations cause it's a million of them, all with different expectations - and just one of you...
So because you can't change them all, you have to change yourself. The Chinese say it's easier to put slippers on than to cover the entire world with a carpet and you need to put your I'm-happy-with-myself-so-fuck-off slippers on.:) (And smile a lot, people tend to smile back, rather than give negative comments.;))
I'm saying this from a personal experience, not only because I want to come across as a know-it-all, but because I've been through the same shit.
I wish you all the luck in the world and I'm so glad you chose to talk of these things, it just sucks to leave them on the inside and let them fester.:P

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for encouraging me. It really does mean a lot to me. I'm working on relaxing more about this whole thing, but I've been more stressed than usual lately. so things are getting to me when they normally wouldn't. Stress tends to play havoc with the parts of my brain that are destructive, but I've got enough of a handle ob the situation not to let that get the better of logic, thank goodness. Thank you again for taking the time to comment on this. It makes me feel way less alone with everything.

[my_thestral]

Oh, god, I'm so happy you took it the right way, not the obnoxious way I made it sound. I read it afterwards and I could slap myself for sounding so self-righteous.
I know it's hard to judge standing from your shoes and I hope I didn't come across as some well-meaning idiot trying to get all wise because of "seen that, done that, been there" attitude. Everyone's situation is unique, yours included and I most certainly don't have all the answers (though I tend to persuade everyone that I do, do, do, the asshole, that I am!) ;)
Lots of luck handling that unruly bunch you have for relatives!;) Perhaps you could threaten them to have a candy every time someone comes up with a negative comment about your weight and see how fast they shut up! ;)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Don't worry. I didn't think you sounded a bit self-righteous. You've been through an eating disorder yourself. Everything you said was the truth. I really appreciate everything you've said to me, and I thank you for taking the time to share your advice. It really does help, and I didn't see anything wrong with what you said. Threatening to eat candy every time they bring up my weight might do the trick. Maybe I ought to visualize them wearing muzzles. :)

[my_thestral]

:D Whatever works for you, hon! I think if you find a way to start laughing about it, it might relax yourself as well as them. Weight isn't all there is an if you go with the "candy for evil words" strategy - the worst that can happen you'll end up with lots of delicious sweets!:)
Enjoy your journey through life, it's all I can say.:)

[alexicyn.livejournal.com]

**HUGS**

Your relatives sound like some of mine. Thankfully family is so much better.

Cyn, who figured out so long as I separate the relatives from the family they make me less crazy. Seriously. Family are those friends and such that I choose to keep close. Relatives? Meh... might be related by blood, but doesn't stop me from wanting to drop them in a volcano. :D

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

you nailed it girl!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I get what you mean about separating relatives and family, but it's hard when I'm in a position of dependence on those who who share my blood. I do have friends that I consider my family of choice, but most of us are spread far away from each other, which sometimes makes things like this difficult to deal with.

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

Honey - you need to change the frequency on which you receive their messages ;) if you are in a healthy weight range you should not hear anything about this. *HUGS*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Thank you so much for always leaving such supportive and encouraging comments. It really helps me feel better about myself.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Have you ever just flat-out told your family that you find it hurtful and demeaning when they say/imply you need to lose weight? Some people really have no clue, and they need that virtual smack to "get it".

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I have asked them not to comment on it because it was/is something I'm sensitive over. On several occasions. But, thing is, they say things without thinking. Sometimes not even directly to me, but in my hearing. If I were to say tell them that it hurts me, they'd just try to justify it and tell me why I shouldn't feel that way. That's what happens most of the time when I say how I feel about something. That happened to me tonight when I was talking about how overprotective my grandmother gets of me, and I felt worse for having brought it up at all. So I'm kind of scared to bring up how I feel about the comments, especially because any time I do, I get told they didn't mean anything by it or that I should just learn to deal with things and/or get over them. I wish it were as easy as that.

[nenne.livejournal.com]

I really wish you could get away from your family more. I think you could use the space. Like really use it. *hugs*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

You are very right. I could most definitely use the space sometimes, but getting away is not feasible at the moment. Thank you for the hugs and support. It means a lot to me. *hugs*