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Journal Time Again
Dec. 25th, 2011 10:23 pmSo...
Today was Christmas. The first one without my dad. I don't mind saying that I wanted to curl up and sleep through it, but I didn't. Mainly because I wasn't allowed to, but that's not the point. We had dinner at my aunt's house today, which was less dinner than it was an orgy of sweets. And food. And more sweets and more food.
I ate. And ate. And ate again, until I was close to being uncomfortable.
The holidays are hell when you have issues with food. I'll probably end up restricting after all the leftovers are finished, but for now, I'm trying so hard not to let the guilt eat me alive.
The food was good. It tasted amazing, but I hate myself for eating any of the "bad" things.
I hate it that my father isn't here anymore. I hate it that I could not stop thinking about him all day.
His 54th birthday would've been on the 16th of the month. I wrote him a letter. God, I miss him so much.
I have this fantasy of buying a bottle of bourbon to take to the cemetery. I want to leave it on his grave. That was his favorite drink. He spent more time with bourbon in his hands than otherwise.
I'm so damn pissed at him for that, but I love him more than I'm angry with him. Story of my life, really.
He wasn't perfect, but he was a good man. He was my daddy, no matter his faults.
Lord, this entry is maudlin as hell.
Believe it or not, the day was pretty nice, despite all my angsting.
My nephews and everyone else loved their presents, which made me happy. Being with the family was nice, while at the same time making me very glad we only do that every so often.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my family, but their attitudes over certain things make me wonder how on earth I managed to be born into this family when our thought processes are so different. Spending time with them can be very draining, even on nice days.
On the plus side, my sister got me a Kindle, along with a gift card for some new books, for which, yay.
Ditto on my fuzzy purple throw and angel statue from my aunt, as well as my M&M screen cleaner, chocolate, and calender. That was just nice, and made me feel very loved.
So, overall, I can say it was a nice day, even with the downs,
Today was Christmas. The first one without my dad. I don't mind saying that I wanted to curl up and sleep through it, but I didn't. Mainly because I wasn't allowed to, but that's not the point. We had dinner at my aunt's house today, which was less dinner than it was an orgy of sweets. And food. And more sweets and more food.
I ate. And ate. And ate again, until I was close to being uncomfortable.
The holidays are hell when you have issues with food. I'll probably end up restricting after all the leftovers are finished, but for now, I'm trying so hard not to let the guilt eat me alive.
The food was good. It tasted amazing, but I hate myself for eating any of the "bad" things.
I hate it that my father isn't here anymore. I hate it that I could not stop thinking about him all day.
His 54th birthday would've been on the 16th of the month. I wrote him a letter. God, I miss him so much.
I have this fantasy of buying a bottle of bourbon to take to the cemetery. I want to leave it on his grave. That was his favorite drink. He spent more time with bourbon in his hands than otherwise.
I'm so damn pissed at him for that, but I love him more than I'm angry with him. Story of my life, really.
He wasn't perfect, but he was a good man. He was my daddy, no matter his faults.
Lord, this entry is maudlin as hell.
Believe it or not, the day was pretty nice, despite all my angsting.
My nephews and everyone else loved their presents, which made me happy. Being with the family was nice, while at the same time making me very glad we only do that every so often.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my family, but their attitudes over certain things make me wonder how on earth I managed to be born into this family when our thought processes are so different. Spending time with them can be very draining, even on nice days.
On the plus side, my sister got me a Kindle, along with a gift card for some new books, for which, yay.
Ditto on my fuzzy purple throw and angel statue from my aunt, as well as my M&M screen cleaner, chocolate, and calender. That was just nice, and made me feel very loved.
So, overall, I can say it was a nice day, even with the downs,
