One of those days...

Sometimes I feel like crying, and I don't know why. Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about death. It's funny. Life is going well, at least on the surface of things. I'm busy now, and it seems my head is always full of thoughts, but if I ever take a moment to slow down, loneliness creeps in before I realize, and then I drown in tears for anywhere from a few minutes to as much as an hour. Maybe it's just a female thing and my hormones are wonky. That's what I'm choosing to tell myself today, because it feels plausible, and I don't want to come apart.

I'm insecure, deep inside, and I know that. It's as much a part of me as my blue eyes long hair. It's ingrained so deeply that I'm not even sure how to go about dealing with it. Anywhere I go for support always seems to make me feel worse. My family tries to help, but they end up reinforcing the yucky feelings. I know they don't mean to, but they do. And they can't seem to listen or don't want to when I try to express things that aren't what they want to hear or see in me. I don't know which it is, and I don't honestly know how much that matters at this point. It's not their fault, either way. I can't blame them for not giving me what I need when I know they aren't capable of that. It's not that they don't love me. They do, but it's not in a way that I need. It's a kind of love that makes me feel bad for not being satisfied with my life. Guilty.

Ugh. I'm signing off now. I'm not sure what else to say anyway. Take care, everyone.

Apologies for being Whiny McWhinerson.