bleedingangel84 | Downs and ups and downs again (Reply)

These past few days have been full of too many thoughts in my head. I've had good moments, bad, moments, blah moments, and everything in-between. Things are good with my friend again, for which, thank goodness. I'm so grateful to have such good friends. Most of those I consider my closest friends are on opposite continents from me, but I love them to bits. I had a pretty hard few days, and one semi-meltdown between my last post and now. I cried a lot and admitted some things to my grandmother. I actually broke down and admitted to her that I don't trust myself to do things, and that I felt I had no control over my life.

My disordered and destructive behaviors have been trying to manifest again. I say "trying" because I haven't given in to the urges I've been having to physically hurt myself. I haven't cut, bitten, hit, scratched, or any of that. I honestly don't know how I've kept from it, because these urges are really some of the strongest I've had in years. I'm really lonely a lot of the time, and that makes things worse. I love my friends, but I can't stay online constantly, though at times it feels like I make a good go of it.

I love my family as well, but sometimes they also drive me crazy. I feel like there's a massive divide between me and them, In some ways, we're very close, but in others, they don't know me. I'm in the position of being dependent on them. This means that there are things I don't feel comfortable or able to share with them for fear that it would ruin the relationships I have with them. I've never dealt too well with rejection, and the thought that my family would do that is just too depressing to contemplate. So, mainly, I feel like I'm on my own despite the fact that my family is very loving and protective.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I told my grandmother that as well, after telling her about my lack of trust in my own ability to do things, and how lonely I've felt. She was as she always is, which is loving and as supportive as she knows how. It was a good thing, but there again, I can't be open because she'd be worried, for several reasons.It just would not be pretty.,but I don't feel safe enough with my family to be open.

I feel like everyone I'm close with online knows me, no masks. No guard up at all. My family only gets to see part of the picture. I'm as open with them as I feel comfortable being right now, but that's much less open than I'd like. It makes me incredibly sad that if I ever have a gf, or date anyone who doesn't fit in with their definition of "normal", it won't be able to go anywhere because my family is a necessary component of my life, and dealing with the backlash would make my life highly uncomfortable at best, and a living hell at worst.

What am I saying? I'm already living in Hell. My main company in life consists of my 74-year-old grandmother who is still convinced she needs to cut my meat for me. She's sweet and loving. I honestly probably would not survive without her. She means a lot to me, but she's not able to let me grow up. I think she's afraid she won't be as needed. All my life, it's always been:

"Don't do this, you could get hurt."

"You're not doing it right, let me."

Always some variation on those two things. I don't even trust myself to pick out the right clothes when I'm dressing to go out. How the hell does anyone ever expect me to have a life living like this? I'm never okay in my own skin around my family, and I hate that. I can't just let myself be whatever it is I am. I'm always wondering if they can look at me and know I'm a fraud. I don't feel the way they do, and I sure as hell don't think the way they do. I don't want to be a clone of them. I'd like to just throw down every barrier and say fuck it, I don't care what they think, but that's not entirely true. I want so very much to not care what they think, but I do, and it's killing me.

I want them to love me. I need to get along with them, because any tension would make life unbearable, and I don't know that I could handle being dependent on people who disagreed/ disapproved of my lifestyle and habits. I sometimes test the limits and try to open their minds a little, but it never goes over too well.

Just yesterday, my grandmother and I got into a discussion somehow about why Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. She claims it was because of homosexual practices and attempted raping of the angels. I say that it may well have been because of the lack of hospitality to guests. I pointed out to her that the Bible also says not to eat shellfish or pork, and people don't consider those things a sin anymore. She admitted I had a point, but then she started talking about how God gets so angry at sin. I finally said that we can't really know what God feels until we get to the hereafter and ask Him. And then that topic ended. (Thankfully.) By then, I was nearly ready to tear my hair out.

This is why I try to avoid religious discussions with my family at all costs. I don't agree with a vast majority of what they say, and they don't seem willing to entertain a more positive idea than a vengeful god. In my mind, God is wherever there is love and between two people, whether they are male, female, transgendered or what have you. I don't mean offense, and I'm not trying to start a debate. For me, this is what's true. Someone else may feel differently. That's their truth. I'm fine with that, so long as they let me have my own.

Anyway, this entry is long enough. I guess I had more on my mind than I thought I did when this started. I'm in an in-between space right now. I'm not doing great, but I'm not feeling as close to suicide as I have been either. So, I guess I'm just kinda "meh" right now.

I'm thankful to have my friends and support online, because without that, I think I'd have done something irreparable by now. Thank you all for reading. Sorry for the long post.