bleedingangel84 | Pardon me while I purge these sick thoughts... (Reply)

My thoughts are red tonight. I'm thinking about bleeding. And hurting myself. And pain. And how much I want that right now. I wish I had a means of self destruction that was socially acceptable. You never see anyone go up to smokers and take cigarettes from them. Why is that any more acceptable than other methods of hurting yourself?

I know, it's because people don't have to be face to face with the damage when it's internal, but on some nights, that really pisses me off. Smokers are allowed their bad habits, but I can't have mine, and I'm jealous of that. What sense does that make? I just...wish I had some physical thing I could lean on right now. Some habit that I could indulge in that would do damage without killing me or making my family worry that I'm on the edge of a suicide.

I've been thinking about that, too, but no way would I be able to do that. I've known people who have, and it really hurts to be left behind and wondering why or if you could have done something. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, much less the family I love more than anything. I can't do that to them.

But, the thought of it is almost a comfort. It's a little like a security blanket. That seems absurd when I read it in black and white like this, but it's honestly how I feel tonight. Whenever things get hard, the thought that I could possibly pull the plug makes it more bearable. It's like a safety net that I know I'll never use. This is the part where I start to laugh hysterically before breaking down into tears.

I wish I could just stop thinking. Shut off my head and just let myself BE, for once in my life. Why is it that I'm never enough? I wish I knew.