I just want to cry...
Feb. 9th, 2013 12:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bleedingangel84Words aren't enough right now. I just want to cry until I'm empty of everything. If I were a wolf or a dog, I would be howling in pain. I wish sometimes that my family was not in my life. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I had to say it. I feel it so much. It's often things they say that make me feel awful about myself. Of course, they don't say it directly about me, but somehow that makes it worse. I already feel like I'm less of a person to them because of my disability. Add to that the fact that my attractions are to people, regardless of gender, be they male, female, or gender-neutral, and it makes me feel even more isolated.
No one in my immediate vicinity is capable of offering the kind of support that I need. I'm not even sure where to go, what to do...nothing. I feel like screaming. Every time I try to reach out for something, it just feels like something keeps binding me tighter and tighter. I don't fit anywhere here. Gahh, I would give anything just to feel like what I am is enough for someone. That I'm good enough, capable enough, smart enough. Not just some damn burden who never measures up.
I want someone to love me just because I'm me, and not out of obligation or duty. It would be nice to feel necessary to someone, instead of feeling like superfluous garbage.
Maybe that seems silly. I know my family would say that I'm not that, but they make me feel otherwise. Or, like I'm necessary only as something to be dealt with or taken care of. Like a useless little lapdog.
All I know is, I look at my family and sometimes it's so hard to breathe.
It just hurts.
No one in my immediate vicinity is capable of offering the kind of support that I need. I'm not even sure where to go, what to do...nothing. I feel like screaming. Every time I try to reach out for something, it just feels like something keeps binding me tighter and tighter. I don't fit anywhere here. Gahh, I would give anything just to feel like what I am is enough for someone. That I'm good enough, capable enough, smart enough. Not just some damn burden who never measures up.
I want someone to love me just because I'm me, and not out of obligation or duty. It would be nice to feel necessary to someone, instead of feeling like superfluous garbage.
Maybe that seems silly. I know my family would say that I'm not that, but they make me feel otherwise. Or, like I'm necessary only as something to be dealt with or taken care of. Like a useless little lapdog.
All I know is, I look at my family and sometimes it's so hard to breathe.
It just hurts.
