Sometimes I want to kick my own ass

[bleedingangel84]

I just do. I don't even know what to call this. There are times when I'm absolutely disgusted with myself and my state of being. I guess you could call it self-hatred, but I really don't think it's vehement enough to call hatred. Just the feeling that, if I were someone else, I would not choose to associate with myself.  I irritate myself. That seems like a pathetic thing to say, but it's the truth.  I'm so dependent on my family that I feel like a child. A child that pays bills and other adult-ish type things, but a child nonetheless. Sometimes I just want to scream. I want to cry. I want to give up.

But, I figure I'm here for a reason. Maybe someone out there will need me for something one day. So, I will hang on, even though it sometimes feels like I'm being shoved off a cliff with no net to catch me. Is there ever an age when you feel like a complete grown-up? I mean, legally, here in the US, 18 is voting age, 21 is drinking age, but when do you REALLY grow up? I don't feel like I've reached it yet.

I'm creeping up on 29, which, frankly, scares the shit out of me more than any other age I've been fortunate enough to obtain. My mother died at 28. I thought by this point in my life, I'd have at least accomplished something that felt meaningful to me, but I haven't yet. I find that frustrating.  Mainly because I have no concrete idea of how to go about being the person I wish I was.

I don't even know if that makes any sense to anyone. Most people my age have husbands, wives, or kids. I'm alone and under my family too much to know what the hell I want. I guess just to know I could survive on my own if i needed to.  I want some room to breathe, for fuck's sake. I never get it here. No one seems to get me here. And lord, didn't that sound like teenage angst?

*sigh*

I'm going to watch Buffy kick some vampire butt, before I come completely unraveled.