Regression or Progress? *ED TRIGGER WARNING* (numbers)

[bleedingangel84]

I had my monthly food shop today. I'm actually (sort of) proud of myself. I bought lots of soup and some microwave dinners, because they are things that aren't stressful for me to eat usually. I also bought a couple of bags of dark chocolate and one bag of the Lancaster Caramel candy in Raspberry Vanilla Cream. My aunt looked at me like I was crazy for buying so many sweets. The thing is, I have to stockpile things because sometimes it's two months or more between shopping trips.

I only let myself eat one piece of candy per day. In most cases, that's not even a serving. Nowhere close. I monitor the amount of calories I eat. I don't give myself a target, but I try my best to keep it between 1200 and 1800. I eat plenty of fruits and veg. I'd say at least 75 % of the grains I eat are whole grains. I've done my best to achieve a balance in my diet. I know that in my personal experience, allowing myself a small amount of something sweet keeps me from craving things and binging on them when I can't stand the cravings anymore. If I'm not denying my body anything, I don't go out of control on those occasions when sweets are around.

I mostly drink water, almond milk, or tea with a little sweetener in it. I hardly ever drink sodas unless it's a special occasion and that's all that's available.I will have a very occasional cup of coffee with creamer and sweetener, but that's it for what I drink. I just figure it's not worth wasting the calories unless I treat myself to a milkshake, which hardly ever happens anyway.

I also exercise. Lately, I've been walking in place again. My family says/thinks this is a good thing. In some ways it is, and in some ways it's not. I feel better when I exercise, because then I feel like I've earned the right to eat and not feel so guilty about it. My family doesn't seem to worry as long as I do eat what they consider a reasonable amount of calories every day. My aunt even encouraged me to increase the miles I walk every day. She didn't specifically mention my weight when she said that, but she said something about how I had gotten around really well when I was walking  five miles a day, and talked about how thick my legs are.

I feel my disordered thoughts creeping back up on me again, and my relatives seem to be encouraging this. I was miserable when I walked five miles a day. Any time I ate anything, I felt guilty, even in spite of the exercise I was doing. I was thinner, yes, but I stayed cold all the time. My hair was falling out, and I became a complete bitch when my grandmother would try to make me eat. I was constantly thinking about food or how to avoid food, and I felt relieved when I was allowed to miss meals.

I do not want to go back to that phase of my existence, because it was a living Hell. I hated myself and what the eating disorder turned me into. I am not a mean person. I am not nasty, I am not bad or evil, but during my worst times, I spewed pure venom on those closest to me, because all I wanted was to be left alone to make myself a skeleton. And yet, when I would tell my family I had an eating disorder, they'd say I was fine, I just had issues with food. I felt so alone with all this.

I felt and still feel alone with a lot of things, which is a major reason I've had issues with food and self-harm. Everything comes back to a need to take control over something. It's not about, weight, vanity or attention-seeking. Food and hurting or not hurting my body were things I had control over that no one else had a say in, and that's rare for me. I feel as though I can never meet my family's expectations because they seem so contradictory at times.

On the one hand, I have limitations because of my Cerebral Palsy. and on the other, I'm a human being with an intellect, thoughts, and feelings. I think certain of my relatives have issues reconciling those two things. But, this is my life and my body. I may hate it sometimes, but it's the only one I have. I want to live in it for as long as the higher powers see fit to allow me to do so. That said, I have better things to do than allow the negative thoughts to take control.. I will treat my body with respect, continue to nourish it, and fuck the numbers Fuck people who tell me I need to lose weight. Weight doesn't matter.

Happiness matters. Compassion matters. As long as I behave in a way I can be proud of, screw what everyone else thinks. I won't let them push me back down again. It's happened often enough as it is.

Comments

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

Honey - your family is difficult. I think that you need to feel comfortable in your body, and it shouldn´t matter what your legs look like. And I am soo proud of your attitude :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for always leaving such supportive comments. Ir really means more to me than I can say. *hugs*

[my_thestral]

Hey, the journal hijacker here again.;) I'll try to keep it short this time, I'm just here to tell you how very proud of you I am for having developed this kind of mindset. :) You're on a right way to self-respect with this - and once you have that you can be as big as a house or as thin as a rope and nothing will knock you out of balance, cause you're all that and more.:)
I don't think your relatives or anyone else has the recipe of how you should turn out ideally - a lot of people make others insecure because that's a way for them to work out their own complexes - or simply, because they're thoughtless (the difference between the two being the intent). I'm glad that you're eating healthy - you sure as hell eat far more healthy then I ever did! - and if you need your candy a day, have a candy a day, dammit! And if you need two, have two - as long as the candy is not compensating for something else, like human warmth, closeness and sense of being understood and appreciated for who you are. A lot of people "heal" their feelings of emotional emptiness through the comfort the food brings.
With what you described above during your eating disorder - you might as well have been talking about me when I was anorexic and you are most certainly not alone in those feelings. The bitch is, once you isolate yourself from the world, you also lose sense of perspective and a chance to see that there are others out there like you. Relinquishing control that starving yourself gives you - all that counting calories, making menus and watching every bite - is bloody hard and for me the hardest part was how the hell to fill up all that time I had left once I was not doing it anymore! For me it was about the re-adjustment of focus - I started with my master's and I started writing again and it really helped. Sometimes a part of the process is to give to those that have less than you, do volunteer work, help out in the community - I guess everyone has to find their own recipe.
Lots of luck during your efforts and standing up to temptation to be a people pleaser - some people are also in our lives to show us how NOT to be like.:) I'll be rooting for you.:)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for commenting on this. :) Recovery is very hard at times, but I know it's a process. It's even harder when your family doesn't see the behavior as a problem. My family does mean well, but sometimes they can be very thoughtless. I used to be very overweight, and they'd always comment on that. It seems food issues have always been a part of my life, whether it was eating too much or starving myself. I feel like I've finally reached a healthier balance now in terms of eating and exercise. I try to live by "everything in moderation". It seems to work the majority of the time. I'm able to focus on things outside of food now that it's not consuming my entire thought process anymore. Thank you so much for being so supportive and letting me know I'm not alone in this. It really helps.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

You just concentrate on taking care of yourself, and don't worry about other peoples' opinions of how you should go about it.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jae. I really appreciate your support. <3