Mother's day from the darkest pit of HELL
May. 11th, 2014 09:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bleedingangel84Today was...well, I 'd say the title about says it all. It was bad. It was awful. It was nearly panic-attack inducing. I was about one centimeter away from hyperventilating during parts of it. Thank the goddess that my chest isn't sore, because that really sucks.
Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.
If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.
Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.
Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.
But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.
I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift. So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.
One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.
I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.
Good night, all. <3
Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.
If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.
Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.
Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.
But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.
I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift. So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.
One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.
I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.
Good night, all. <3
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no subject
on 2014-05-12 04:08 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-13 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-12 06:38 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-13 03:51 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-12 07:45 am (UTC)Sometimes over-protective people do more damage than good - I suppose your consolation is that the intentions behind what has been said and done weren't bad. Everyone loves you and that's their way of showing it, however annoying, but of course you have a say in where you draw the line.
If I understood correctly from your previous posts, you have a troubling medical condition (sorry, if that's a painful subject for you, my intention is not to hurt you further and, for the record, I'm a complete berk), but it didn't seem to me as if it leaves you dependent. They need to understand that. Clearly, my brain's exhausted cause I can't seem to pick up from your post if you actually told your uncle all those things (wanting to be on your own) or were you just thinking them?
Because I'm a firm believer in speaking one's mind, if you keep silent and gnaw on it inside your head, they will never know and it will only make you feel helpless and manipulated. Now, I know that you're capable of standing up for yourself, and I think this is one such time when you should. This kind of thing will inevitably make you feel like a shit (possibly an ungrateful one), there's no way around it, but as long as you can think for yourself, you're entitled to your own opinion and your own course of actions, especially when it applies to your own life. Better done sooner than later.
I worked at the centre for disabled people and I met some people who felt (and consequentially acted) as if they should be thankful to everyone around them for simply putting up with them and they were left being pushed left and right with no one ever giving them any choices. Why the fuck for?! Sick or healthy, until you're a danger to society, your existence is as worthy to the world as the next person's you should have the same rights. And they need to realize that. Not in my words - because I can be the rudest and bluntest cow on this planet and when I'm pissed off I don't even care if I hurt people left and right as long as my angry howls have been heard (yeah, I've got issues ;))- but in yours. I'm sure you can find a nice way to tell them what you want and there's absolutely no need for you to feel guilty.
Oh, silly grandma should have kept your words to herself, but I suppose she was just trying to stand up for you in her kind-hearted way, not knowing how wrecked it was going to leave you.
Days like that will come and go and perhaps in 40 years you won't remember this one any more, but the decision you make in situations like that will still be stuck with you.
I'm sorry if I'm acting like a smart ass that has all the answers and no proper recipe on how you should over-come the crisis - I feel quite sorry for you that you had to go over this, but I suppose I feel even more strongly that you should get something good out of it. Go get them, girl!:) And by all means have a nicer day today!
no subject
on 2014-05-12 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-12 06:51 pm (UTC)I'm glad you didn't take my (not always polite) musings the wrong way, I just wanted to tell you (in my very own T-rex way) that you have every right to speak up for yourself and your independence.
I'm glad you recognised your emotions and what was bothering you and hopefully you'll eventually find a way to inform your uncle about it. Wording your thoughts and emotions without hurting anyone's feelings can be dreadfully frustrating and difficult, right? :P I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you find the right words.:)
Uh, cerebral palsy sounds like a mean bitch, I hope you don't have to live with too many physical limitations. If you can write, I'm sure you can be productive in other ways as well, no need to feel like a burden to anyone. Your cross to bear might be heavier than the average person's, but you have your loving family to help you carry it, even though they sometimes knock into your feet instead.;)
And here I am, journal usurper again.:P Big virtual hug and just keep swimming, just keep swimming! ;)
no subject
on 2014-05-13 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-14 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-05-14 02:55 am (UTC)