Atonement and Incentives

[bleedingangel84]

Title: Atonement and Incentives

Author: bleedingangel84

Beta: None

Rating: R

Warnings: Language, Angst Possibly triggering for those who have or have had an eating disorder. Please exercise care when reading this if you are feeling sensitive or are easily triggered.

Word Count: 669

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction created for fun and no profit has been made. Rights belong to the respective creators.

Notes: This was apparently lurking in my head. Forgive me if Harry seems horribly out of character here, or if anything is not well-portrayed. I am in no way trying to trivialize and/or glamourize eating disorders or issues. I’ve dealt with my own eating issues for years, and much of the dialogue in this comes from conversations that I have had with various people when I was in the thick of my disordered behaviours. I won’t say that it’s perfect. No one’s experiences of things are ever exactly the same, but this is just a bit of mine. I guess you could say that art is somewhat imitating life, or rather, what life used to be, in my case. I apologise for this long-winded Author’s Note, and I do hope you can enjoy the fic, which, in spite of the heavy theme, somehow snuck a little humor in.

Written for prompt #26 dove_drabbles –“Calories only exist if you count them.”; JMDC Prompt #105-"I'll make a deal with you."

Summary: Harry’s coping with the fallout from the war in a less-than-healthy way, but Malfoy gives him a reason to get well again.

Atonement and Incentives

“I can’t eat it. “

“But, Harry, you used to love treacle tart.”

“I used to love a lot of things I couldn’t give a shit less about now, all right? Fuck off.”

“I’ll make a deal with you. One bite and I’ll leave you alone.”

“You never leave me alone, Hermione. You’re always nagging at me to eat something.”

“Well, forgive me for caring whether you live or die.”

“I’m sorry, okay? Truly. I never wanted this, y’know?”

“Why is it so hard? You know you need to eat.”

“I know, but I just can’t seem to care about it anymore. I don’t want food. I’d rather be empty. It feels normal to me.”

“I know you feel guilty that you couldn’t save them, Harry, but how is starving yourself the answer?”

“You’ve undoubtedly read all the psychology books. I’m sure you understand my warped brain very well. If you’re done analyzing me, will you go?”

“I’m only trying to help you.”

“I know. Could you hand me my blanket? I’m cold.”

“Harry, could I bring you some soup?”

“There’s too many calories in it.”

“Calories only exist if you count them.”

“And what all-knowing individual spouted out that pithy platitude?”

“You are full of venom today aren’t you?”

“Please leave. Just…let me go, okay?”

“I’ll be back later.”

“You’ll never give up, will you?”

“I’m a Gryffindor. It’s against our house rules.”

“Maybe the hat would’ve done better to put me in Slytherin, then. It wanted to.”

“Oh, Harry…”

“Quit wailing over him, Granger. Can’t you see he’s busy with the oh-so-admirable goal of misplaced atonement?”

“Malfoy! What are you doing here?”

“There was a fight. I got the worst of it.”

“Who was it?”

“That git from Hufflepuff.”

“Smith? I’d have thought even you could take him, Malfoy.”

“If it had been just him, I could have. There was a whole group of them.”

“That’s awful.”

“I’ve endured worse.”

“That’s true, but you shouldn’t have to here at Hogwarts. The war is over now.”

“You know, you should really listen to your own words, Potter. You give great advice. Pity you can’t seem to follow it when it comes to your own life.”

“What do you mean, Malfoy? And why do you care?”

“The war is over, Potter. So why are you still fighting this battle with yourself?”

“Oh, not you, too. Hermione was bad enough.”

“You saved me from the fire, Potter. I owe you a life debt, and I don’t intend to let you starve your scrawny, bespectacled arse into an early grave, no matter what you might want.”

“If I agree to try and start to eat again, will it shut you up?”

“Temporarily.”

“Better than nothing, I suppose.”

“I knew you had some sense under that messy hair of yours somewhere.”

“Can we just get this over with, so I can have some peace and quiet?”

“Granger, have Pomfrey get a nutrient potion, please. I’ll stay with Wonderboy here.”

“I don’t need a carer, Malfoy.”

“Forgive me, but your current state rather belies that assertion. I’ll stay until I see you drink every last drop of nutrient potion in the vial.”

“Who knew Draco Malfoy had a fondness for playing nursemaid?”

“Malfoys take their life debts very seriously, Potter. But, if it would motivate you to get better, I do have a nursemaid’s costume. I’d no idea you such a kinky little devil.”

“Says the man who owns a nursemaid’s costume. Why do you have that?”

“I lost a bet once.”

“I’d like to see you in it.”

“Only if you finish the potion. And I will know if you try to get rid of it somehow. I perfected getting rid of distasteful vegetables at five years old.”

“Bully for you. Gods, this is the foulest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. I’ve eaten dog scraps that tasted better than that.”

“Would you like that treacle tart now, Harry?”

“Only if Malfoy feeds it to me while wearing the nursemaid’s uniform.”

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Poor Harry! It's good to know his friends haven't given up on him, nor his enemies. Heh. I hope Harry and Draco aren't enemies for long.

Thanks for the entry!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Harry has a long road ahead of him, but Draco has always been able to stir him up in some way. I'd say they aren't enemies in this, it's just that neither of them knows how to go about being friendly with each other, even though neither of them wants to fight anymore. Draco and Hermione are both too stubborn to give up on Harry, so between the two of them, they'll wear down his resistance to getting better.

Thank you for reading!

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

I love you stories, but Hermione is very counterproductive in this - pressuring someone wiht an eating disorder into consuming something as highcaloric as treacle tart will cause his body to revolt immediately.

being understanding is one thing and listening to the problems that cause the disorder that helps, but forcing food into him even lecturing about needing food... I had a flashback to 10 years ago when I was suffering form an eating disorder and just wanted to shake Hermione and tell her to shut up immediately!!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I am very aware of that fact. One of the reasons I wrote her the way I did was because I've had people treat me the same way as she was treating Harry, and it always used to drive me absolutely insane, so this was a way to vent a little of that. That's why I had Draco come in when he did and give Harry the nutrient potion. I will probably end up writing some more of this in which I address Hermione's error. Speaking of flashbacks, I was having one of my own when I wrote this. Even as I was writing it, I sort of wanted to strangle Hermione, so I definitely understand your desire to shake her. I'm sorry if this brought back anything unpleasant for you, but I am so happy that you like my stories on the whole.

[lyonessheart.livejournal.com]

I just wonder how someone so smart like Hermione can be so obtuse ??

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

She was just trying to think of foods that Harry used to like to eat. She's looking at it from an emotional standpoint of just trying to make Harry want to eat again. Her emotions are strongest right now, so she's not thinking as logically as she could be.