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bleedingangel84I love LJ. Only here have I met people who love Harry Potter as much as I do. I feel like I can breathe and decompress here. Here, I can ask for support and actually receive it. I've learned a lot about myself in my time here, some of it not always pleasant. But, I am what I am, and that's okay. I don't always like myself, my life, or my body. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I think things that would probably scare or worry other people. Sometimes I care too much what others think. And there are other times I don't give a fat, fucking shit what people think, when I'm just too tired to care anymore and say fuck it.
I apologize every other breath sometimes. It's a survival instinct, I think. If people don't hate me, they're more likely not to resent having to be burdened with caring for me. I don't think anyone could ever hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. I'm working on that, and I'll probably be working on it for as long as I draw breath. I have plenty of flaws, I know. Physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise. I'm a human being, and thus inherently imperfect. I fuck up a lot. I'm afraid a lot. Sometimes I'm a coward. Sometimes I'm brave. Sometimes I'm smart, and there are others when I feel completely like a dumbass.
I cry way too often, and I don't laugh enough. I'm lonely too much of the time, but I'm fine with being alone. I resent the fact that everyone always seems to wonder why I don't date. No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be fine with a cat a book. Or a dog, maybe. Anyway, I just don't think I'd make a very stable partner for anyone, so I'm choosing not to engage right now. I have enough trouble making myself care about myself without adding anyone else's expectations into my life. I couldn't be the kind of partner i want to be, so I'd rather forgo that arena for the time being.
That said, sometimes I still need people. I know this. I need them badly. My main social outlets in the physical world are all connected in some way with my family, which I don't feel is healthy. It makes me feel more emotionally crippled than I am physically, and that just makes me feel bad. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but apparently it needed to come out. I feel better. If anyone feels like commenting, feel free. I'm not sure why this exists, but I feel lighter. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
I apologize every other breath sometimes. It's a survival instinct, I think. If people don't hate me, they're more likely not to resent having to be burdened with caring for me. I don't think anyone could ever hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. I'm working on that, and I'll probably be working on it for as long as I draw breath. I have plenty of flaws, I know. Physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise. I'm a human being, and thus inherently imperfect. I fuck up a lot. I'm afraid a lot. Sometimes I'm a coward. Sometimes I'm brave. Sometimes I'm smart, and there are others when I feel completely like a dumbass.
I cry way too often, and I don't laugh enough. I'm lonely too much of the time, but I'm fine with being alone. I resent the fact that everyone always seems to wonder why I don't date. No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be fine with a cat a book. Or a dog, maybe. Anyway, I just don't think I'd make a very stable partner for anyone, so I'm choosing not to engage right now. I have enough trouble making myself care about myself without adding anyone else's expectations into my life. I couldn't be the kind of partner i want to be, so I'd rather forgo that arena for the time being.
That said, sometimes I still need people. I know this. I need them badly. My main social outlets in the physical world are all connected in some way with my family, which I don't feel is healthy. It makes me feel more emotionally crippled than I am physically, and that just makes me feel bad. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but apparently it needed to come out. I feel better. If anyone feels like commenting, feel free. I'm not sure why this exists, but I feel lighter. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
