Boy, did this take a turn while I was writing...

[bleedingangel84]

I love LJ. Only here have I met people who love Harry Potter as much as I do. I feel like I can breathe and decompress here. Here, I can ask for support and actually receive it. I've learned a lot about myself in my time here, some of it not always pleasant. But, I am what I am, and that's okay. I don't always like myself, my life, or my body. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I think things that would probably scare or worry other people. Sometimes I care too much what others think. And there are other times I don't give a fat, fucking shit what people think, when I'm just too tired to care anymore and say fuck it.

I apologize every other breath sometimes. It's a survival instinct, I think. If people don't hate me, they're more likely not to resent having to be burdened with caring for me. I don't think anyone could ever hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. I'm working on that, and I'll probably be working on it for as long as I draw breath. I have plenty of flaws, I know. Physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise. I'm a human being, and thus inherently imperfect. I fuck up a lot. I'm afraid a lot. Sometimes I'm a coward. Sometimes I'm brave. Sometimes I'm smart, and there are others when I feel completely like a dumbass.

I cry way too often, and I don't laugh enough. I'm lonely too much of the time, but I'm fine with being alone. I resent the fact that everyone always seems to wonder why I don't date. No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be fine with a cat a book. Or a dog, maybe. Anyway, I just don't think I'd make a very stable partner for anyone, so I'm choosing not to engage right now. I have enough trouble making myself care about myself without adding anyone else's expectations into my life. I couldn't be the kind of partner i want to be, so I'd rather forgo that arena for the time being.

That said, sometimes I still need people. I know this. I need them badly. My main social outlets in the physical world are all connected in some way with my family, which I don't feel is healthy. It makes me feel more emotionally crippled than I am physically, and that just makes me feel bad. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but apparently it needed to come out. I feel better. If anyone feels like commenting, feel free. I'm not sure why this exists, but I feel lighter. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.

Comments

[my_thestral]

Isn't it great to have some sort of an outlet such an LJ?:) I know it is to me. I've got no one around me in my RL to discuss Potter to the extent that I want to, let alone anyone that knows I'm even interested in fanfiction. Not even my BF of 14 years, he wouldn't understand. But it's alright as long as you guys are here to talk to.
Sometimes we all feel like aliens among other "normal" people, but once you read a post like this one, you figure out that you're actually quite normal. I guess too often we compare our every day to other people's highlights and that can be very frustrating. I think you're great the way you are. You're not perfect, but who is? Who even wants perfect? I know I don't.
If you don't feel like dating, that's perfectly fine, there are other ways to have human contact. Sometimes media pumps us full of belief that you're only worth something when you're desirable to others - well, fuck that. If you're not happy with yourself, you can't expect someone to give you that happiness either. We're all our own worst critics, but I'm glad that you embraces your advantages together with your so-called faults. YOu're unique, there's no one like that out there, you have to treasure that. :)
For all it's worht, I think you're great. I admire your will to live, your strength, your outspokennes and that fact that you're not afraid to share your vulnerabilities with us. And let's not forget your talent, I like that one, too! :)
Stay great! :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I really do not want to think about what my life would be like if I didn't have LJ. I know that I'm incredibly grateful for everyone I've met through my interest in fan fiction. Knowing that there are others who share that just makes it that much more fun. Thank you for always being so supportive. Dealing with my family, sometimes I feel like this weird little oddball that doesn't quite mesh with what they expect. They love me, I know, but they also baffle me. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned feeling like an alien. I feel like that a lot. Sometimes my will to live is more like a flickering candle more than a campfire, but I'm too damn stubborn to give up completely. Thank you again for everything. It really means a lot. You are an awesome person, and I'm glad we are friends. :)

[dysonrules.livejournal.com]

Everyone has to deal with real life people that are annoying and toxic, be it family, friends, strangers, teachers, coworkers, bosses, etc. The nice thing about the internet is that you can leave all that behind and connect with the people who make you feel awesome. Just because they aren't in your face or at arm's length doesn't make them less real. :D

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

The internet is my safety zone when RL people tear my nerves up. I am so grateful for the people I've met online and through fan fiction. Often times, they know how to be supportive in ways my family wouldn't begin to. I've even had friends who sat up all night on the computer with me and talked me out of hurting myself. Internet and fandom has a special spot in my heart. Your fics in particular were some of the ones that first hooked me into reading Harry/Draco, so I owe you some massive thanks. -offers turtle cheesecake-

[dysonrules.livejournal.com]

Dawww, thank you, bebe. Fandom friends are the best.

Mmmmmm, cheesecake. :D :D :D

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Here for you!

*hugs*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Jae. *hugs*