Ugh...

[bleedingangel84]

I'm having one of those days. It's warm and sunny outside, but inside, I feel massively depressed. I don't even know why I feel that way today, but I do. I just want to get one of my blades and make hambuger out of my skin. Usually, I can pinpoint what triggers the urge, but not today. If I had to guess, I'd say it's just feeling anxious and insecure. I usually deal with both of those things in varying degrees just fine. I have healthy ways to cope, but right now, I don't want to cope in a healthy way. The urge has been boiling under the surface all day, even when my nephew was here for school. I know I don't need that. I don't want to have to start wearing long sleeves again just when my state is getting hotter than hell. I know all that. But the rebelling, pissed off part of me is whining. at me to do it, and I honestly think that if I were on my own, I would do it and not give one, fat, flipping, flying, fuck about consequences.

Some part of me still has good sense, obviously. I'm writing this instead of cutting, after all. I don't mean to whine. I'm not looking for attention. I just feel so tired of being at war with myself. My good sense is winning, but my armour is rusted right now. School is over for the day. I'm tired, and I'm crying. Music is going. I'll keep busy until this annoying gnat of a thought passes me by, or sleep, but I felt like I needed to busy my hands for a little while. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I really wish I could just go hurt something inanimate without getting a WTF look from anyone. I just wish I was over.

I'm sorry I keep writing entries like this. Feel free to drive on by.