Ugh...

[bleedingangel84]

I'm having one of those days. It's warm and sunny outside, but inside, I feel massively depressed. I don't even know why I feel that way today, but I do. I just want to get one of my blades and make hambuger out of my skin. Usually, I can pinpoint what triggers the urge, but not today. If I had to guess, I'd say it's just feeling anxious and insecure. I usually deal with both of those things in varying degrees just fine. I have healthy ways to cope, but right now, I don't want to cope in a healthy way. The urge has been boiling under the surface all day, even when my nephew was here for school. I know I don't need that. I don't want to have to start wearing long sleeves again just when my state is getting hotter than hell. I know all that. But the rebelling, pissed off part of me is whining. at me to do it, and I honestly think that if I were on my own, I would do it and not give one, fat, flipping, flying, fuck about consequences.

Some part of me still has good sense, obviously. I'm writing this instead of cutting, after all. I don't mean to whine. I'm not looking for attention. I just feel so tired of being at war with myself. My good sense is winning, but my armour is rusted right now. School is over for the day. I'm tired, and I'm crying. Music is going. I'll keep busy until this annoying gnat of a thought passes me by, or sleep, but I felt like I needed to busy my hands for a little while. I am so sick of feeling this way, and I really wish I could just go hurt something inanimate without getting a WTF look from anyone. I just wish I was over.

I'm sorry I keep writing entries like this. Feel free to drive on by.

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should have some clay or play doh you can mash around when you're feeling less than your best. Or, one of those little Zen gardens, with sand and a wee rake and little rocks that you can fiddle with to distract and calm yourself.

*hugs*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Either of those sounds like a great idea. I will look into that. *hugs*

[my_thestral]

Hey, you!
I don't have a self-harming issue and if you take out the 10 years of my anorexia, I never did - but I still sort of know how you feel. I don't tend to hurt myself, but I get super bitchy and - shamefully - I throw stuff around happily. I broke a chair on my school-mates back once in such a state and I think he was lucky that I was only 9 and that the chair was wobbly. I don't hurt people any more, but it still has to get out somehow, doesn't it?
Is their a storm or something in the air, perhaps? Sometimes when the air-pressure changes we're affected without even knowing why.
I totally agree with jae - find a way of occupying your hands, but also your mind with something complex enough to re-direct attention. I used to do origami, or made myself a customized box for my office supplies (it came out ugly as hell, but it's the most useful thing ever, cause it has exactly the compartments I want it to have) - in short, I think writing and reading might not do it this once, you might want to get physical.
Big, tight hugs, go on, break something other than yourself! :)

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I have a stress toy that has gotten a lot worse for wear with all the squeezing I've been giving it. I didn't end up hurting myself, but the urge is still there. The thing is that I have a bad habit o internalizing things whenever anything bothers me. Instead of hurting anyone else, my first instinct is to hurt myself. I think a lot of it has to do with how I was raised, now that I think about it. My family was never all that big on expressing how they feel, so I always felt like the odd one. I learned to shove things down instead of letting them out. I can't even say that I really regret having cutting as a coping mechanism, because there are times when it kept me from doing something worse. I'm not proud of the fact that I've done it, but it's part of my life. Granted, not really an active part anymore, bur sometimes something triggers the old instincts, and I think part of it is just stress and feeling helpless with all that has been happening lately. Plus, nature was rearing it's head, so there's that. I'm considering putting together a stress-relieving kit so I have some things close at hand if this happens again. *hugs* Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it.