Me again...sorry

[bleedingangel84]

Confession time: Sometimes I feel completely incapable of being a functioning adult. Life in general scares the shit out of me. Sometimes, I really honest-to-god hate depending on my family and think I would rather die than have to do that another day because what I have isn't really a life. It's an existence, and that's all.

With that said, I'm here, and for whatever reason, higher powers let me keep existing. What the hell for...? Who the fuck knows?

I have wishes for my life that no one knows about. I have a feeling there are some that I don't even know about yet.

But, mainly, it boils down to wanting to feel secure, but also be free.

Which is more or less impossible, because there are times when my body itself feels like a prison.

Anyway, I'll hush now. I just had to get that out.

Comments

[my_thestral]

Oh, damn, poor you! I can't imagine how it feels, having all your dreams and wishes frustrated by that bloody cage that is your body. That's just... urgh! I totally admire you for coping as well as you do and it's only natural that sometimes it all gets too much and it spills over. I'm so glad that you've learnt how to manage those outbursts into something that's not damaging to you in long-term.
But you know - as limited as your body is, your spirit can fly. You're lucky to be born in the Western civilization, where you can be relatively comfortable with yourself, whoever you are, you've got books to live a thousand lives, movies to look forward to, the Internet to connect to the rest of the world; you're creative and smart, so you can't let the confines of your body define who you become. So many people are given perfect bodies and don't know what the heck to do with them.
As debilitating as your disability can be - it probably opened your eyes as to how much more you are than a perfect body. Just think: would you really rather be someone with a model's figure and athlete's abilities and possibly only focused on mundane things such as the latest trends in make-up and how to best use high-heels to seduce boys? When you're so much more! You're witty, not superficial and talented and you've found ways to put that to use and you've found ways to connect to the world in spite of your body's limitation. That's just wonderful. You might be caged by your body, but a lot of people are caged by their minds and in my opinion, that's far worse!

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. You made a lot of good points. Sometimes I wonder what it might be like to be more athletic, but I am thankful for my mind and my curiosity. My brain tends to work much faster than my body, at least most of the time. lol :) *hugs*