Nondescript

I'm not quite brave,
nor rational-
nor perfect-
nor anything
at all.

I'm not just
one thing- I'm everything.
Everything I never wanted-
you to see.

I'm a wild storm-
I am silent tears-
I'm am spilling blood
from open wounds.

That horrifies you-
and terrifies me-
my enemy-
shares my eyes.

Every day is a fight
against the thing I
call-
Myself.

Reflecting again

God, I can hardly believe that tomorrow will be a year. One whole year since my father died. We spent today at Hobby Lobby, picking things to go on his grave, which was actually much less depressing than it sounds.  My two nephews were with us, and they can always make me smile. Those two boys represent everything that I love about life right now.

They are loving and funny and precious. I used to pray before they were born that they'd be safe and happy. They mean everything to me. Some days, they are all that keeps me from sinking into the mental quicksand I've found myself in lately. I'm trying my best to hold it together and be at least okay, even if happy is beyond me right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo with my sister and my babies, and I will do my best to enjoy the day, despite the heat and the fact that it will be the anniversary of my father's death. He wouldn't have wanted any of us to be sad, I know, but I can't help missing him. My heart hurts.