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My thoughts right now
Sep. 5th, 2012 03:15 amFor some reason, I'm thinking about a lot of things tonight. I'm at a bit of a lull between the ups and downs, which means things are basically pretty good. I've gotten out of the house more recently, which I know has a lot to do with that.
That being said, I am still struggling more than I want to be right now. It's like every part of my personality that is self-destructive is at war with the logical parts of my brain. Logic is winning, so far, and I can't really figure out whether I think this is a good thing or not. There is part of my brain that seems bent on pulling for my self-destruction. In some odd way, I feel better when I let the self-destruction take over. It takes no energy to surrender if you're not fighting, but I can't give up, either.
I don't want my nephews seeing me that way, and I don't want them to have problems like mine.I try my best to be a positive influence for them when I do get to see them. They deserve nothing less than my best. No matter what mood I'm in, they leave me feeling happier and more positive, They are likely the closest I'll ever have to children of my own, and I treasure them so much. They make me want to be better, so they don't have to see how screwed up I can get sometimes.
I'm doing the best I can here, but I still don't quite feel like that is good enough.
That being said, I am still struggling more than I want to be right now. It's like every part of my personality that is self-destructive is at war with the logical parts of my brain. Logic is winning, so far, and I can't really figure out whether I think this is a good thing or not. There is part of my brain that seems bent on pulling for my self-destruction. In some odd way, I feel better when I let the self-destruction take over. It takes no energy to surrender if you're not fighting, but I can't give up, either.
I don't want my nephews seeing me that way, and I don't want them to have problems like mine.I try my best to be a positive influence for them when I do get to see them. They deserve nothing less than my best. No matter what mood I'm in, they leave me feeling happier and more positive, They are likely the closest I'll ever have to children of my own, and I treasure them so much. They make me want to be better, so they don't have to see how screwed up I can get sometimes.
I'm doing the best I can here, but I still don't quite feel like that is good enough.
