Always something...

It's always with the stupid triggers lately. I'm sick and fucking tired of this. As if that wasn't bad enough, this one came literally just after I'd got done saying that I was exercising so that people would have less reason to make comments on my weight. I want to keep myself healthy. I'm not a stick, but I work hard and I've literally worked my ass into the ground at certain points in my life. My grandmother said again that she wants me to lose weight The irony of this? I'm in a size small pair of sweats right now, and they are not tight on me. I cannot win in this family. I just can't. I don't care what I do, it's never enough. Fuck this shit. I wish I could stop this from affecting me. I'm tired of hurting because of them. And I'm pissed off. I do the best I can, and if they don't like it, tough shit. I'd rather be healthy and alive than a stick-thin corpse, I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it still shattered something in me. I'm not beyond being hurt by this yet, but I can't help it if what seems like a healthier weight to me looks big to them. I'm a shorty, any amount of weight on me seems like too much to them. I don't want to be unhealthy again. The rational part of me gets that. But apparently they want the bitch who refuses to eat back again. Fuck that. That's not me.

Excuse me for all these rants about this lately. Contrary to what it seems when I write about my family, I do love them. I know they mean well. They want me to be healthy and thin so that I have less stress on my body, but in my case, I cannot get to their conception of healthy without turning myself into sour-faced, hungry-ass bitch. I refuse.

I will be healthy. I will not deny myself food. I will not exercise to the point of damaging my body. I'm doing the best I can to survive my life right now and not give in to the part of me that wants to self-destruct, and it's extremely hard right now. I just want to be told I'm good enough the way I am, regardless of my weight. Weight is only a small part of who anyone is, but I never feel good enough for my family. Ever. I feel like defective merchandise someone forgot to return that no one really wants. Like I'm an old doll someone forgot they had in the back of a dark closet, but no one wants me anymore because I don't function the way they wish I would.

I wish sometimes that life had an escape hatch.

Forgive me for blathering on so much, but I don't want to internalize this crap.

If you read this, I appreciate it more than any words could ever say. I apologize for rehashing the same stupid shit over and over. I know it has to get boring after a while.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope everyone is well.