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Mother's day from the darkest pit of HELL
May. 11th, 2014 09:59 pmToday was...well, I 'd say the title about says it all. It was bad. It was awful. It was nearly panic-attack inducing. I was about one centimeter away from hyperventilating during parts of it. Thank the goddess that my chest isn't sore, because that really sucks.
Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.
If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.
Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.
Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.
But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.
I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift. So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.
One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.
I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.
Good night, all. <3
Yesterday, while I was doing my monthly food shopping, my uncle brought up the fact that my grandmother is quite elderly and "in her last days". That in itself was upsetting for me. In all fairness, I understand his reasoning. She is older and not in good health. I don't even want to think about her death unless I have to. Then, he brought up a conversation he'd had with my brother-in-law. He apparently said to my brother-in-law that he, my nephews, and my sister should move out here to live in my house with me if something happens to my grandmother. I was upset at this, because I don't want to live with my relatives. If I wanted to do that, I'd have done it when my dad passed. I don't want to be the spinster maiden aunt who gets passed from place to place. My dad intended this house for us, and I want to stay in it, but no one (save a very few people) seems to think I'm capable of living on my own.
If I were to do as they want me to do, I would have no desire to live anymore. I already feel like a burden as things stand. It doesn't seem to matter how often people tell me that I'm not. I still feel that I am. I would hate for anyone to have to rearrange their lives and/or living spaces to accommodate me. I don't want to have to take up a place in someone else's home, even if they are willing to arrange things to suit me. I don't want to be displaced again, period. Especially not when I know I'm going to be dealing with grief and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I have a hard enough time adjusting to one change at a time, and losing someone I love is change enough to deal with without my relatives there to witness my meltdowns. Eesh.
Anyhow, needless to say, I was highly upset yesterday. My grandmother, being the caring person she is, wanted to know why. Being so upset, I couldn't think of a story fast enough and did the last thing I should've done by telling her the truth. I asked her not to tell my uncle I'd said anything because I was afraid he'd be angry or upset or some combination thereof, which state of things I do not do well with at all. That's the backstory.
Skip ahead to today, during which Mother's Day visit my grandmother comments to my uncle that she wishes he hadn't said what he did to me, because I was upset most of last night and today, and that she had only just now gotten me "broken out" of that. I was sitting in exactly the same spot I'm sitting now, wishing I could melt through the floor and die. I just felt so hurt and upset and self-conscious that right at that minute, dying would've been welcome. They were all sitting in the living room while I was in here playing Tetris in a futile attempt to hold back a veritable deluge of tears. Needless to say, I wasn't successful. I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate or vomit. Maybe both, which would not have been fun in the least.
But, on the plus side of things, I managed to speak my mind to both my grandmother and two of my aunts. I told them how I felt and why I felt it, even if I was speaking through gushing tears at the time. I got told why I shouldn't feel that way, but I know it's only because they don't want to see me hurting or to feel as though they cause it in some way. I understand that, and i realize the things they do and say are coming from loving places.
I spoke my truth to them as near as I know it. I don't know if they will come to respect the fact that I am an adult or not, but it means a lot to me that I know now there is at least one person in my family who does believe I am capable of making it on my own if I choose to, and who believes I have that right. That in itself is a priceless gift. So, I guess good things can come even out of hellish days.
One thing's for sure, though, I'm exhausted. This day has been a loooong and painful one. I'm going to watch a few episodes of i Love Lucy and try to catch some sleep.
I hope that everyone had a peaceful day.
Good night, all. <3
