One of those days
Dec. 28th, 2011 12:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bleedingangel84Today was a day I was down. No real discernible reason, honestly. Just plain old lonesomeness eating at me. I miss my friends. They are more like family than my blood relatives sometimes, but we haven't talked much lately. I miss the feeling that people want me around. With my family, most often I feel as if I'm a huge burden to them. That's the good thing about friends. There is no reason they have to be around you, so when they are, you know they care.
I'm feeling hopeless today, as if there is no real purpose for me being on earth. Logic and my family tells me this is not so, but what they say and what I see are two different things. What on earth am I needed for? It feels like nothing. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I truly don't mean to come across as negative, but I can't help feeling this way.
I've been thinking, and the one thing I really want to be is independent. I want to be capable, and to feel capable, but I can't do that in my family. It's a complicated situation , but for all intents and purposes, I'm trapped in it, and it stinks.
I have talked to my family about this until I'm blue in face, but they've all said there is nothing they can do to change it. It's hard having a family that loves you so much it's detrimental to your mental well-being, but what's worse is when they care for you so much that you no longer trust yourself to make the right decisions. I have no trust in my own judgement, and that makes me feel incredibly broken, defective and dejected. I've tried every way I know to tell them this, but nothing ever changes. I feel as if I may as well still be in diapers with the way I'm treated. Sadly, that's truly not too much of an exaggeration. Frustration doesn't begin to describe what I feel. More like desperation, actually.
Anyway, on that rather disturbing insight into my life, I'll close. Lord knows I feel pathetic enough already. Good night, all. May your dreams and your days be pleasant ones always.
I'm feeling hopeless today, as if there is no real purpose for me being on earth. Logic and my family tells me this is not so, but what they say and what I see are two different things. What on earth am I needed for? It feels like nothing. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I truly don't mean to come across as negative, but I can't help feeling this way.
I've been thinking, and the one thing I really want to be is independent. I want to be capable, and to feel capable, but I can't do that in my family. It's a complicated situation , but for all intents and purposes, I'm trapped in it, and it stinks.
I have talked to my family about this until I'm blue in face, but they've all said there is nothing they can do to change it. It's hard having a family that loves you so much it's detrimental to your mental well-being, but what's worse is when they care for you so much that you no longer trust yourself to make the right decisions. I have no trust in my own judgement, and that makes me feel incredibly broken, defective and dejected. I've tried every way I know to tell them this, but nothing ever changes. I feel as if I may as well still be in diapers with the way I'm treated. Sadly, that's truly not too much of an exaggeration. Frustration doesn't begin to describe what I feel. More like desperation, actually.
Anyway, on that rather disturbing insight into my life, I'll close. Lord knows I feel pathetic enough already. Good night, all. May your dreams and your days be pleasant ones always.
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on 2011-12-28 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-12-29 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-12-29 07:53 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-12-29 10:18 am (UTC)