Call Me Rollercoaster Girl

[bleedingangel84]

So, I've been trying my best to stick to my resolutions, and I'd have to say that overall, things have been better lately. Which is good. I'm laughing a lot more, which makes the yucky parts of my life seem slightly less yucky. On the other side of the coin though, I'm still incredibly frustrated by some of the circumstances in my life.

I'm supposed to be living alone in my house, but I am hardly EVER alone for any length of time. That might seem like a good thing, but from where I sit, it's very...smothering. That's not a strong enough word to describe how this feels, but it's the only one that comes to mind right now. My family, especially my grandmother, is hugely overprotective of me. Granted, she has valid reasons, but sometimes it's just completely ridiculous.

Yes, I have Cerebral Palsy. No, I cannot drive. Most other things, I can find a way to do on my own. I am NOT helpless, nor am I a baby Yet, my grandmother still speaks to me as if I were four years old, rather than nearly 28. I have no brain damage from the CP. The baby-talk is unnecessary and humiliating. What's worse is that she won't let me do the things I can do for myself. How the fuck am I supposed to be a competent person if she never lets me learn what I need to know? I have so little self-assurance that I doubt my own abilities on a nearly-constant basis. That in itself would be awful enough, but every time someone follows behind me and redoes something I've already done, or takes it away before I can even attempt to try, they may as well be stabbing me. It eats away at what little bit of ragged confidence I have left. It's no kind of life when you can't trust yourself.

I've always gotten the message, in some subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that there were things I could not do. Regardless of what was said to me, the actions of those around have nearly always provided the opposite message in some form. I realize that they were trying to keep me safe, but what's the point of keeping me safe if it means I have no quality of life?

You'd never know I graduated from college if you saw how my grandmother is with me sometimes. A few days ago, she refused to even let me use a butter knife. She was afraid I'd cut myself. I've been using butter knives for most of my life, and have never yet cut myself on one accidentally. How does that reasoning even make sense? Butter knives are made to cut through butter, and to spread things. It's really hard to injure yourself with one unless you're trying to, in which case, you have bigger problems than an accidental injury.

This over-protectiveness is killing what's left of my sanity and my life. I've never had much of one to begin with. I've dealt with this on some level for my entire existence on this planet. I got through high school with honors, survived college with a dual major of English and History, tutored others-- and yet, I feel reduced to the state of a house pet. Well cared for, but not truly necessary. Possibly needed for emotional reasons, but serving no purpose beyond that.

I'm not being allowed to mature. When I try to, there always seems to be some reason that I shouldn't. I never really realized how much a certain sort of love can be a detriment to living until I experienced my grandmother. I have spoken to her and my other family members about this, and no one knows what to do to make things better. I'm expected and told to tolerate this because my grandmother needs to feel needed. My grandmother and others have told me multiple times that I am the reason she keeps going.

Hello, can you say pressure? Yes, I understand that. I am not mentally deficient, contrary to the way this treatment makes me feel. I know she is old and not in good health anymore. I know she isn't going to be here forever, and that I should feel grateful that she cares so much. I feel guilt every single day of my life, simply because all I want is not to need others to care for me.

I love my grandmother, and I very much want to keep her around for a very long time. She is the person I'm closest to in my life right now. But, why should that mean I have to sacrifice my own growth? Oy, what a conundrum.

Sorry for such a downer post today, but the upside is that writing this kept me from imploding on myself. See? I can be positive. Maybe I can be like a Looney Toon. You know, they are forever getting crushed my anvils and then going accordion-shaped before popping out good as new. Maybe this is my accordion phase. 

Where's Bugs Bunny when you need him?

Comments

[nenne.livejournal.com]

I understand their, your grandmother and others, need to protect you and care for you and help you, but they aren't really doing you any favours. *shakes head* How do you make them understand that you're a grown woman? It's not easy to make them let go.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

It's definitely not easy. I can understand the reasoning behind their behaviour, but it's very hard behaviour to live with. I wish just once that they could know what it's like to live my life. Then, maybe things would be better. I've tried explaining to them, but nothing seems to help. Thanks for your support. <3