Ow...painful pain is painful

[bleedingangel84]

Well, I had some wonky moles removed yesterday. And may I say: Yee-ouch!

The procedure itself wasn't terrible. But, after the anesthesia wore off of the wounds, it was sore-girl city. I'm still getting twinges, and the places are stitched up like a fleshy quilt. Which, by the way, was very cool to watch, even if slightly gross-tastic.

I bit down on my fear of going to the doctor and took care of business.  I think I'm actually very proud of that, even if no one else sees this as a big deal.

Life in the family front is still sort of sucking. My grandmother gives me the impression that she thinks I'm a helpless cripple, but what else is new? She actually told me the other day that she knew there were certain tasks I couldn't manage on my own because of my limitations.

Now, this isn't a newsflash to me, folks. It's my body for fuck's sake. If anyone is aware of my limitations, it's me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help when you know for sure that I need help, but I appreciate not being treated like a cripple.

Disabled does NOT mean helpless. It just means I have to find other ways to do things. I think I would be sooooooo much better off if certain members of my family realized this fact.

Frustrating does not even begin to describe how it feels to live in my family. I don't think there are words enough to describe how broken I feel every time I hear my family talk about how I can't do something. That's just purely soul-destroying, whether they realize it or not, and it makes me want to roll over and give up.

But I won't. I refuse.

I AM JUST AS CAPABLE AS ANYONE ON THIS PLANET.

And even if they make it impossible for me to believe that some days-even when I have no faith in my own worth, deep inside, I know this is true. As much as they hurt me, I will keep fighting to live the life I wish I could have.

I'm so tired of just swallowing all the loving and well-meant bullshit I've absorbed in this environment. Geez, no wonder my sense of self-worth is in the toilet.

I'm not exactly sure where all this is coming from, but I guess I needed to get it out. If you've read this, thank you. Send good thoughts my way. Or chocolate. Chocolate and slash make life happy.

They mean well, but this is a slow and painful death to my soul, and I cannot make them realize that, no matter how much I talk about this. I have tried.

I'm exhausted of this now.

And on that last note, I'm going to try to find something to make me laugh, before I contemplate drastic measures for the billionth time.

Wish me luck.

Comments

[veritas03.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I've asked you this before. Please forgive me if I'm overstepping boundaries. Does your community have an advocacy group? Someone who can help you educate your family regarding how their attitudes are only further debilitating? I know you've probably tried to tell them yourself. Sometimes they will listen more to someone else. Even if not, maybe there would be other benefits from working with an advocate. Again - I apologize if I've offended you - or simply misunderstood your situation. Just concerned about you.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

You are definitely not overstepping your bounds. I'm not offended in the slightest. I really appreciate the concern. I know there are advocacy groups and advocates out there, but I'm not sure if there is anything local, since the place we live in is extremely rural and poor. I'm not really sure how much good an advocate would do, either. Other people in authority positions have tried in the past, and it never seemed to do much good in getting things to change. I sort of feel like I'm on my own with this, if I'm completely honest. I'm just not sure what to do about it. My family does mean well. They want to protect me, and I get that. In some ways, that makes things even harder. I just don't know anymore. Thanks so much for your concern. :)

[nenne.livejournal.com]

Feel better soon.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is bringing you down time and again. Don't they ever listen to you?

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your kindness. It isn't so much that my family doesn't listen, it's just that they don't seem to understand the extent of how this affects me. They just seem to think I'm being overly sensitive about things. I don't know, maybe I am, but they've never been in my body or felt my emotions. They have no frame of reference for this, so they can't comprehend this emotion, no matter how I try to explain things. It's incredibly frustrating, but they love me and they mean well, so I don't really know how to handle this. I don't want to hurt them, and I get sick of having to act like a bitch just to get some independence and privacy. It's not their fault they don't understand, but this does negatively affect me. I wish I knew what to do.