Friendship, depression, grief and other things

[bleedingangel84]

So...I've sort of been hiding from a lot of people lately. I haven't even really been talking much to anyone. I guess it's because I've been afraid, and I don't even really know why. I love my friends. I really do. I suppose it's because I've been scared of bringing them down, too. I've been struggling so much with so many things. I don't even really know if I could call it depression, because it feels different from that. I just..feel like a fraud.

It seems like I've tried so hard to be good and be okay, and I'm just not. I feel lonely and sad a lot. Grief for my dad still hits me in waves sometimes, and that's hard to deal with. I hate feeling so alone and afraid. I don't even know if most of my friends are still talking to me, because I've been trying so hard not to burden anyone with my problems when there are other people whose problems are so much worse than I could ever conceive of in my wildest dreams.

I just feel like I'm constantly failing everyone in my life. It's impossible for me to be the kind of friend I want to be when I've been isolating so much, and I'm scared. Scared of my friends' reactions and my own feelings about this. I know I can never be perfect, but it doesn't stop me from wanting that. I wish I could be 100% supportive of everyone all the time, instead of trying to hide myself from the world. I wish I was a better friend, better person, better everything.

I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself more and more often. That scares me, too. Part of me wonders whether or not everyone would be better off if I just finished it altogether, but then the people that I've lost come to my mind, and I know I could never put anyone else through that kind of pain and anger. I'm not really sure what else to do.

I feel horrible even sharing this, but I'm not really sure where else to go. I can't keep all this in, and I'm afraid of how people might react if I were to actually talk about it in a face to face conversation. At least here, people have a choice about whether they'd like to respond or not. I'm scared of forcing myself on people, because I might get pushed off.

Anyway, sorry for being a downer, but if you've read, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to make myself "heard", so to speak.

Bright blessings to all my lj friends, and thank you for everything.

Comments

[nenne.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I really think that if you feel you won't burden your friends (which you of course wouldn't do if you talked to them) you should try to talk to a therapist. Having all these thoughts that you don't share is not good and self harm is not the way to go and you know that. Don't be afraid of asking for help.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your support. *hugs* I've considered going to therapy, but I've had some negative experiences with it in the past that make me nervous about doing that.Luckily, I do have a bit of a support system I can fall back on. The hardest thing to do is to find the words so I can open up about what's bothering me.