Questioning how you know that you know someone

[bleedingangel84]

So...last night was a little rough. I was upset by something friend-related. My grandmother came in and asked if I was okay, to which I replied that I was not, as I absolutely hate lying unless I feel I have to for some reason. I proceeded to explain the situation that had me upset and why I was upset. She offered what support she could, but afterward, I felt like an idiot for telling her about it, because it turned out to be something I was overreacting to.

I should mention at this point that this was about someone I became acquainted with online, whom I've grown to have strong feelings for, and that this person is not someone of whom my family is likely to approve. We've gotten very close, and I feel that in a lot of ways, knowing him has been very good for me. He makes me feel very valued as a person, which is frankly not something I've been used to feeling. He respects my opinions and seems to trust my judgement. More importantly, he's helping me to learn that it's okay to trust myself, which is again, not really something I'm used to. I enjoy interacting with and talking to him. He makes me very happy.

Those of you who have taken the time to read my journal entries know a bit about my issues with how my family treats me. I hate to keep rehashing the same old things time and time again, but it generally always comes back to the same things. My family often undermines any sense of trust that I manage to develop within myself. This doesn't stem from anything malicious on their part, and I am very aware of that. I realize their main interest is to keep me safe, but this mistrust of myself seriously seriously damages me in many ways. It damages my psyche, harms me emotionally and spiritually, and it is genuinely detrimental to my quality of life.

I am a reasonably intelligent and sometimes logical human being when I exercise common sense. I can be highly intuitive at times. I am capable of forming relationships with individuals who are outside of my nuclear family unit. I can also be a highly effective communicator when I allow myself to be. All of this is true of me, and what's more, I trust that it's accurate.

I feel  that many of the positive parts of my self-image are reinforced most by the relationships I have forged with my friends online. They know me based on my words and emotions expressed through repeated conversations and interactions, not based on what they see of my physical limitations. With some members of my family, I feel that the exact opposite occurs. Every action and reaction gets filtered through the lens of my limitations before anything else.

They see me every day, thus they feel as though they know me best. Perhaps in some ways, this is may be accurate. I've experienced things with my family that I haven't felt it entirely necessary to share with people online, and there is no denying that those experiences form a strong familial bond. My emotional ties to my family are strong.  I love them, and I feel that they love me, but sometimes I can't help wondering how much that has to with who I am as a person, and how much is simply because they claim me as family.

I also feel that the bonds of friendship can be just as strong as the bonds that exist between family members. For me, those bonds oftentimes feel stronger than than the bonds with my family, if I'm entirely honest with myself. There is so much of  myself that I feel more comfortable and safer sharing with my online friends than the people in my daily life. There's a lot of my personality that I tend to mute in my daily life, simply to make life here bearable. I'm in the position of being physically and emotionally dependent on my family so much of the time that hiding bits of who I am has felt necessary for self-preservation.

It's not always easy to feel like I'm hiding so much of what I feel from them. I wish I felt that my sharing wouldn't be met with criticism, but based on past experience, I'm aware that it would be. I'd never require that anyone entirely agree with my position on anything, but it would be nice to feel that my opinions were respected and considered seriously, rather than simply being questioned and second guessed most of the time.

It feels as though the second I have a shred of confidence in my ability to be a functional human being separate from my family, something happens or is said that reinforces the opposite impression. Perhaps I'm just being overly sensitive, but this feels valid. I feel so stunted by what I'm sure is meant to feel protective and caring. Rather than feeling like a positive, loving emotion, it feels claustrophobic, like I have no space or air to breathe that isn't controlled by someone else.

It seems as though the main people that I'm dependent on use my love for them to manipulate my choices. I realize that they only have my best interest in mind, and I do appreciate the sentiment behind their actions and cautions, but I can't spend the rest of my life playing by their rules. I need to have the freedom and ability to trust my own instincts about people, rather than their constant reinforcement that it's impossible to truly know the people I'm choosing to trust with my real self.

I've learned some hard lessons about trust over the time I've spent online. I'm generally pretty wary of trusting anyone when I first meet them. I've learned to be that way because of past experiences I've had online with people I'd gotten close to. Generally, when I let someone see me, it's because I trust them not to hurt me, either because of my instinct or simply because that trust has developed over time, and they've made it clear to me that it's okay to let myself out. Anyone that I'm really close with online knows that I'm wary at first. I'm really conscious of trying to be as honest and straightforward as I can, especially when someone is important to me.

Some of my closest relationships online are with people I've never seen. We talk, sometimes every day, sometimes not as often. Some of them have known me over several years and know more about what I feel my true self is than my family possibly ever will. They give me a sense of support, and yes, safety, that is largely absent in my interactions with people I encounter in the flesh.

Maybe that's the antithesis of how things should be, but I can't force myself to feel safer with my family.  Physically, I know that they'd never hurt me, but I've been hurt so much in other ways that the lack of the physical hurt doesn't seem to matter as much. I don't know, maybe I'm just too sensitive and too needy, but it feels like no one here can really comprehend what it is that I need most.

I don't know that I can blame them, either. It's not their fault that they can't really relate to me in the ways I need them to. I can't always relate to them, either. We just seem to have different ideas about what's most important to us, and I'm not sure that those ideas will ever completely align with one another. I'm not even sure that it's possible to make them aware of what it is I need in a way they can understand. I've tried to in the past, and it just seems to lead to more hurt and confusion. Somehow, I wind up feeling even more constricted by the situation.

I don't know how to make myself heard in a way that wouldn't be painful to them or to me, but it feels like I'm dying by slow degrees here. I need the room to be, and I don't have it because of my fear. I fear not being loved. I fear not having the security of family support. It's so senseless, really, because I don't have a true sense of security with them as it is. I'm tired of having to hide to make myself fit their ideals and standards, but I've worn this persona for so long that's hard to know which standards are truly mine and which are theirs.

Being here causes me pain, and I'm afraid to say anything, because I'm fairly certain they wouldn't know the reason, or would invalidate me by saying I shouldn't feel that way. They'd mean it from love, I'm sure, but they've reacted that way in the past when I've tried to bring things up. I love my family. Sometimes I've felt like things would be easier if I could just not care as much, but it's hard actualize the fact that I am allowed to love them without always towing the party line on what they deem "acceptable" behavior and actions.

Deep down, I've always feared they wouldn't love or support me if I deviated in any way. In some ways I still do, but I'm working to separate myself from that. It's not easy, because I feel like I'm not a very tough person, but it will be worth it if I can eventually stand on my own feet. I need to learn how not be apologetic for who I am and what I think, because my point of view is just as valid as theirs, even if they don't agree with it. I also have to assimilate the fact that disagreement does not equal emotional abandonment, though sometimes it feels like it does.

All I know is that I don't want or need to continue subsume my sense of self to garner their approval. I need to live for myself, or there's no point in being alive. I need to stop hating myself. I am inherently valuable because I am a human being, not because I'm a clone of my family. Being different doesn't make me invalid. It's just something that is, and I'm okay whether they approve of my choices or not.

There are a lot of things that coalesced to help me realize that. I owe gratitude to a great many people for helping me become more self aware, even if it was a painful process, because this is something that will affect the rest of my life, hopefully in a positive way.

This has already been too long, but it was a catharsis for me, it was worth it. No, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I can't exist just to fill someone else's need and ignore my own, which is what I've been doing most of my life. The process of stopping that starts here. Thanks to those of you who helped me to see myself clearly. It means more than I can say. 

If you took the time to read that massiveness, it's much appreciated.

I hope you all have a great day or night, wherever you are.

Comments

[nenne.livejournal.com]

Maybe what you have written here is something you ought to share with your family? I have a feeling that this constant underestimating you get from them, however well meaning, is really draining you and I think it's rather sad that they do that to you without understanding what they are doing.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I have tried in various ways to share how I feel with them. I've spoken with them about it so much to the point that even thinking about bringing the subject up is discouraging. I've told people in my family how this has affected me. The problem is that they don't know how to be any other way with me. They're afraid to allow me more independence. I've addressed the subject many times, but I don't know what kind of solution to offer. I kept hoping things would change if I brought it to their attention, but things haven't. It feels rather like beating my head against a brick wall sometimes Sometimes I think it might be easier for me emotionally if they didn't care quite so much. As it is, I feel quite guilty for feeling the way that I do, but at the same time, I honestly can't help feeling these things.