I'm in a Meltdown...

[bleedingangel84]

I am just so tired of thinking. I want to end myself, so that I can never hurt anyone else again. I want pain. I deserve pain, because I do nothing but hurt the ones I love, and I hate myself for it. I guess that's what it all comes down to. I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up and I hate it. I...god, I don't know. Heaven have mercy, I hurt so much right now. I just want to cut until there's no blood left in me. Paint my skin red with it. Smear it all over my legs, my breasts...everywhere, or just to scream until my throat bleeds. God, I 'm such a screw up. Always a screw up. I want to die right now. But I won't. I'll sit here, and keep typing and typing and typing, just to avoid acting on those thoughts. I'll be good. I'll be rational and fight the hell out of this thing. I don't want to, though. I want to give in, because I feel like I deserve to hurt.  But I won't.

I'll think of Hunter and Aiden and Nannie and Robin and everyone else who for some reason wants to keep me here. I'll think of Daddy, who wouldn't have wanted me to waste myself that way. I am sooo sick of feeling like everything I try to say or do never turns out quite the way I hope it will.  I'm sick of always, always beating myself up when I feel I did wrong. I never want to hurt people. I'm sick of always feeling guilty. Lately, the people in my life are just starting to feel like collateral damage. I want them safe, so I push them as hard and as far as I can away from me.

My stomach is tied up in knots right now, and I feel like I want to turn my skin inside out. I wish I could cut. I know it solves nothing long-term, I know it won't fix anything that's bothering me right now, but it would be a temporary relief. I'm fantasizing about my blades for the first time in years.

It feels like I'm stuck in a damn time warp and it's taken me back to when I was 20 years old and just started to use cutting as a mode of self-harm. I haven't harmed myself in the way since this past October.  I usually don't do it that often anymore, My coping skills are usually better than that now, but I've been creeping closer to doing something like that again. I've been dreaming about being covered in blood. The room is white, and my blood spatters are so dark they're almost black.  I imagine rooms with blank easels with blood dripping down. None of this is realistic, I know.

I feel like I can't get enough air, and my chest feels bruised. I've been crying, so I feel a little less frantic. Sore, but less frantic.I just want to curl up, watch something funny, and listen to some calming music.  I feel flat. Broken. I miss my father.

I wish I could just curl up somewhere and forget I exist. I wish I felt happier. I wish I lived in a log cabin with a good enough connection for me to order supplies and read fiction online, so I could shut myself away when I go on these crazy spells. No one deserves to put up with my bullshit when I get this way. Sorry to unload this on the world, but it was either this or bleeding, I figure this is the better option, so here you have it.

I'll stick it under a cut in case you want to avoid reading, because I know this is a long-ass post.  I feel like I'm close to hyperventilating again, so I'm going to sign off and try to calm down.

Comments

[veritas03.livejournal.com]

Hi. I haven't been around for a while (work, rl stuff, writing). I just wanted to tell you that you've been on my mind. It seems as if many of your recent posts have this theme. I am concerned about you. I know it's not my business, and you certainly don't have to answer, but I'm wondering if you are any meds for depression(lexapro has been very important for my son and dealing with his depression) or are seeing a counselor. It seems as if what you are feeling goes beyond just feeling depressed. I'm glad that you are doing something to keep from harming yourself, but the fact that you are feeling that desire so strongly is alarming to me. Please take care of yourself and do whatever you can (aside from self-harm) to get past this. If that means seeking out help, please do that. I'll be thinking about you. Take Care, please.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so, so much for your caring and concern. It really means a lot to me. I have been struggling a lot lately. I'm hesitant to actually take meds because of the side effects, but I've been thinking about going to a counselor. I need to do something.

[wooly-bear.livejournal.com]

Hello. You don't know me. Sometimes I go on my friend's list in search of stories to read and that is how I came across your post. I was thinking that maybe you could call one of those hotlines. They have non-judgemental people there that simply listen and offer comfort. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than a family member. *holds your hand for a bit*

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your suggestion and support. *hugs*

[mage-girl.livejournal.com]

oh, sweetie.

Sometimes it hurts that badly and I understand.

*hugs hugs hugs*

It's OK to write it out. I write out my pain and bind it to paper...I always have...and I can breathe again. I'd much rather you do the same.

TONS of Love sent your way!


K.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the support and hugs. It's good to not feel alone with this. Writing it out is healthier, I know. Hugs and love to you as well. *hugs *hugs* hugs*

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

You're not a screw-up, or at least no worse than the rest of us. I don't know what you may have done or said to make you think you've caused anyone else pain, but let them be the judge of whether you hurt them or not. Offer an apology, if appropriate. And, some time when you're in a better headspace, sit down with a family member or close friend and TELL them that you feel like you're always hurting your loved ones. I am betting that person can give you a better perspective on how others perceive your words and actions than you have in reference to yourself.

You have so much to give, so many things to do and see. Don't let a moment's pain or even a month's worth of pain take that away from you.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the advice and support. I know I'm not thinking clearly lately about myself. There is just one particular person I seem to be failing with a lot lately, and no matter what I say, it feels like it's never the right thing. I know I let it affect me too much, but he does that to me. I realize it's no reason to off myself, but the urge is sometimes really strong.

Today the urge is less, thank goodness. I think (hope) the storm will clear up soon.