Have you ever had one of those days...

[bleedingangel84]

Last night/This morning was one of those times when every word that came out of my mouth was wrong somehow. I was chatting with some friends on IMVU, and I said some things I should not have said. I didn't mean them hurtfully in any way, but after saying them, I realized how they would've come across. I never would've wanted to cause anyone to feel any negative emotion from the things I said, but that's what ended up happening. I apologized afterward, my friend said it wasn't that big a deal and not to feel bad over it, but I do. I'd never, ever in all my life willfully cause him offense. He's one of my closest friends ever. Things have always been great between us up until now. Negatively affecting him in any way is like cutting off my own arm, in a way. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

Anyhow, things still aren't quite back to normal between us yet, but I hope they can be again. I'm having trouble forgiving myself for this mistake, even though I told him I felt like a massive pile of shit over it. I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry until there are no tears left inside me. I want to cut and bleed until all this badness is out of me.  I hate myself for saying something that had negative connotations regarding him. I honestly didn't mean to be insulting at all. I would never intentionally do that, especially not to him.

I hope that he knows that. He's one of the people I'd hide a dead body with, if it came to that. He means a lot to me. More than I think even he knows. I've never been anything less than affectionate toward him, and the thought that I might've damaged our friendship hurts worse than any cut I've ever given myself.  This situation is triggering some damn powerful urges to self-destruct. I'm trying not to. I don't want to, and yet I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I am so tired. I was nearing suicidal at one point last night. It's ridiculous to feel that way over something like this, I know. I should already be asleep, but I was afraid to move because I wasn't sure what I'd do to myself if I did. Sometimes, I really wish life had a reset button.

Comments

[nenne.livejournal.com]

I have wished so many times to rewind and do it right I can't even count them. It happens to all of us and you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You have apologised and that is really all you can do.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the support. I'm really trying not to beat myself up over this, but it's hard not to. I have apologized to him, but it doesn't feel like that's enough. I don't know of anything more that I could do that I haven't done already, but wish that hadn't happened.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Sounds as if he's forgiven you. Now it's time to forgive yourself.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

You are right. He didn't hold on to the negative and neither should I. I'm trying to forgive myself, but I still can believe I let that happen. I need to learn to control my mouth better.