Wah, wah, wah

[bleedingangel84]

I'm in an indescribable kind of mood. Sometimes I feel like no one in my "real life" understands me or respects me. I know they try to help me. They have my best interests at heart, and I know that. However, it's really difficult not to get irritated. I have to say, I feel emotionally stunted. I feel as if I have not been allowed to mature and grow in many of the ways I need to for my own personal sanity.  I have talked to my family about this a lot. I know that things won't change unless I change them, but the thing is, I have reached a point where I doubt my own competence when it comes to doing things. When I try to, it feels like someone is always going behind and correcting what I've done, or not letting me try at all because they are afraid I'll get injured somehow.

Consequently, I have zero self-confidence. I have said this before, so if you get tired of reading my rants, please feel free to skip this. I am just so damn tired of feeling like nothing about me is good enough. Nothing I do is good enough, what I watch is weird and stupid, and on it goes. I have spoken with various members of my family about this on numerous occasions. Usually, no one takes it very seriously. They tell me to just learn to deal with it or get over it, which only makes me feel worse. Or, they tell me I need medications, which just makes me feel crazy.

There was a point in the past when I would've wholeheartedly agreed with me needing medication, and there are times I have seriously considered getting on it. At some point, I still might, but I honestly don't think pills will do anything to ameliorate my situation when the problem feels like something a pill wouldn't fix. I just wish there was some way to develop my self-confidence without alienating my family. I'm pretty dependent on them emotionally, and I think I'd find it difficult to let go of that. Also, I don't think my family would know how to react if I were suddenly to start being more independent of them. I don't think they could handle it any better than I would, if I'm completely honest.

I just wish I knew of some way to not feel as if I'm being judged or rated all the time. It's like my family has this certain image of me, and I've worked so hard to fit into that, because I just want them not to be angry and to love me. I'm always afraid that one day, they'll see what I am and hate me. I don't feel like they can really love me, because so much of what I am has nothing to do with them, and is nothing they'd approve of. In some ways, I feel like I'd be better of without the need for their approval, but I have no clue how to shed that. I literally cannot tolerate anyone I'm dependent on disapproving of me. It makes my stomach churn and I get sick.

I don't even know what I really want to accomplish putting this out in cyberspace, but I needed to vent before I exploded all over my family for the umpteenth time. If you've read this far, you have my sincerest apologies. I know these entries tend to get repetitive and whiny, Thank you for reading. Hope you all have a great night.

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

If you want to build self-confidence, take some baby steps. Do something you've never done before, even something that makes you nervous, whether it's as simple as striking up a conversation with a random person in a checkout line or something big like visiting a race track where they let you drive a car around at insane speeds.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

That's a great suggestion. It gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for the support. <3

[veritas03.livejournal.com]

Also, I don't think my family would know how to react if I were suddenly to start being more independent of them. I don't think they could handle it any better than I would, if I'm completely honest.
I think you have a good point. Have you considered not making it a "suddenly" kind of situation? Identify small ways you can become more independent and implement them one at a time, slowly. I think both you and your family would do better with a gradual move toward independence. If you've already thought of this or tried, I apologize for not making a better suggestion.
Also I would ask you to reconsider your stance on medication. My husband and son are both on medication for depression. I think you are probably aware of some of what my son has been dealing with in the last two years. It was just a year ago this time of year that he was hospitalized for suicidal ideations, plan, and self-harm. He had been in therapy up to that point, but had refused medication. After the hospitalization, he started on an anti-depressant. And it worked. And when he stopped taking it one point, he fell deeper into depression again. From my son's experience and working in the field of mental health, I can tell you that part of what the anti-depressants help you achieve is clarity of thought. I can also tell you that needing an anti-depressant doesn't make you "crazy". You said: At some point, I still might, but I honestly don't think pills will do anything to ameliorate my situation when the problem feels like something a pill wouldn't fix. It's not about the pill "fixing" the problem. It's about helping you feel better - which will help you gain or restore self-confidence. You're right - the pill can't be the only thing you rely on. You have to identify things you can do to make you feel productive (which can lead to self-confidence and, perhaps, independence). I don't know the area you live in. You've said before that advocacy groups in your area are no help. Is pursing something that allows you to work from your home an option? My sister is manager of the unemployment office in our area. There are also resources through those state offices that you may find helpful. At least in our state. You would need to check online. We also have a "Rehabilitative Services" office here that helps people continue school or find employment. I hate the term "rehabilitative" - sounds like they work with drug addicts. But, for instance, my son - who is a brilliant (seriously, documented) young man - qualifies for their services because of his depression and his written language disability. Anyone with a medical condition can also qualify. Again, I don't know what agencies are available in your area.
As always, I will apologize if I have offended you in anyway. I only want to help and these were somethings that came to mind as I read your post.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

First off, you are never in the least offensive to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply. I know that if I do make changes, it won't be a sudden type of thing. I don't do well with abrupt changes, and I think I'd do much better if I take things slowly. As for meds, it's not that I'm against them. I'm really not, though I know it probably came across that way in the post. I just get sick of my family coming across like meds would suddenly fix everything that's wrong with me. Most of my family is on meds for anxiety and depression, and I know what a difference they can make. I just feel like I owe it to myself to try and handle things on my own first before I go right to the meds. There is so much stigma attached to meds. I just don't feel I'm at a point where they are necessary right now. I I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been. I'm not suicidal like I have been at some points in the past. I'm not completely set against the idea of taking meds, but I feel like there are other things I might do that could be just as effective. Nearly everyone I've talked to has said the decision to go on or off of meds was a process for them. It may be necessary for me, but the thought of taking them really makes me apprehensive. I suppose that's a natural thing, but I'd rather not do it if it it's not needed. I'm sorry if I was offensive in any way in my post. I know that taking meds doesn't mean people are crazy, but I hate the thought of needing to be medicated. It's a bit of a hang-up for me, but it's something I'd be willing to work past if meds become necessary.

I think that if I was able to feel more productive, it would go a long way toward improving my outlook, but that's where I run into problems. I don't trust myself to be able to get and keep a job. There's nothing wrong with my intellect or abilities, but I wouldn't even know how or where to begin realistically looking for something to do. Transportation is a big issue, so online would probably be ideal, but I'm also on SSD, which makes me cautious about being paid. I've tried before to get job help through Vocational Rehab, and I found it massively disheartening. I'm not sure where else to go, but I think I might design myself some kind of project. Keeping busy seems to help and if I can feel useful, that's all the better. Thank you again for all your help and suggestions It means a lot to me that you'd take the time to do that.