Battles and rambling about myself

[bleedingangel84]

A/N: Let me preface this, by saying that I meant absolutely no disrespect to the memory of my father. He was a wonderful man, even with all his faults, and I still miss him every day of my life. He always made me feel like I belonged, even when it seemed otherwise.   I consider myself his daughter before anything else, and I'm proud of the man he was. I will always love him. I mention his alcoholism to stress a point.







All my life, I've been definined by my limitations. There was always a huge list of things that I couldn't do. It was always confusing for me, because I was rarely given the message that I could do things. There was always a huge "but" lingering at the back of their minds, and before long, it lingered in the back of mine as well. They loved me, I know. They just wanted me to keep safe. Let me tell you, there is a certain point where the desire to protect can actually become detrimental.

They have their reasons. But, there comes a point when a safety net can double as a trap. i've been to that point and back several times now. I am starving for the space to be and to do whatever it is that I choose. There is a huge part of me that has been suicidal in the past because of this. From the age of 20 on, I struggled with self-injuring. I've struggled with eating issues for longer than that, and I realize now that it all boils down (for me) to needing some control over something.  It's about my need to take the reins in my own life.

Now, do not get me wrong, I love my family to bits. Even if they do sometimes irritate/ frustrate/aggravate me to the point of insanity. The things that they do are motivated by love, for the most part.

That being said, there are so many times I wonder if I wouldn't be better off without having their perceptions and expectations weighing on me. Or maybe I should say the lack of expectation can sometimes weigh just as heavy.  They expect me to not be able to do certain things. They seem to expect me to just accept things as they are, rather than trying to make them better. For the sake of my own  mental, physical and spiritual well-being, I can't be passive about all this.

I have physical challenges stemming from Cerebral Palsy, yes. I know this. I can't drive, I type slow at times, and I can't style my own hair. Big whoop.

I have graduated from high school, graduated from a good college with a dual degree in English and History and somehow managed to survive living on my own with my alcoholic father.

All of this should be enough to prove that I am a capable person, and yet, there are days when I feel like a complete idiot. The limitations of my challenges are frustrating in and of themselves, but the worst thing is/was being shown that it wasn't right to push them. It hurt me in a lot of ways. In some ways, it still hurts.

I'm doing my best now to try to work around my limitations, but it's difficult because I don't want to alienate my loved ones. I depend on them for physical things as well as emotional ones.

I can't stay inside my box anymore, though. I don't know that I'll ever fully work my way out of this, but if I don't try, I may as well roll over and give up.

I am not willing to do that. I refuse.

Comments

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

Print this out and share it with your family. They may have no idea of your inner turmoil. Sounds to me as if it would do you a world of good to move to your own apartment, although perhaps with a roommate (at first, at least!) so your family wouldn't worry quite so much about you.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the advice and support. My family are aware of how I feel, but they don't know how else to behave. They've literally told me that. I'm not sure how to handle this. I know they'd never let me live on my own, even with a roommate. I've suggested it to them myself, but they always balk. They have difficulty trusting me or other people with me, so it's sometimes a bit difficult.