Hmmm...

[bleedingangel84]

Well, Christmas was both better and worse than I expected in a lot of ways. I got some really lovely gifts, which was nice. I also had lots of lovely desserts which were also fabulous. My uncle was able to come for the dinner, which I was glad for, but he wasn't doing all that well. My nephews danced around when they received their gifts, which was probably one of my favorite moments ever. There is just something great about seeing kids so happy on Christmas, and I love my nephews to bits. I also got to see my little second cousin. She's a tiny little four-year-old doll baby that you just can't help loving.

The bad of Christmas wasn't necessarily bad, per se, but it did end up making me feel about three inches tall.

I've mentioned before from time to time that I don't drive because of a physical birth defect called Cerebral Palsy. I had a driving evaluation one time when I was 19. I was advised against learning to drive because of the way my eyes work (or in my case, do not work) together. According to the evaluator, I see with one eye at a time, or some such thing. It doesn't really affect my day to day life, truthfully. I never notice it, because according to what the testers told me, my brain compensates for it. Anyway, to make a long story short, I was advised not to drive because of it.

Yesterday, my brother-in-law, who has always wanted me to be more independent, brought up learning to drive again. He told me about a man he knows who has disabilities and still drives in spite of them. I likewise know people with disabilities that are worse than mine who drive. I've been told countless times that learning to drive would make a huge difference to my independence, and i know it's true. It would mean everything to me not to have to depend on people to take me places. I always feel like a huge burden on my family because I don't know how to drive.

My brother-in-law thinks I should learn to drive regardless of who advises against it. His mother never got her license, either, and they have to take her places a lot of the time. He said he doesn't want me to end up like her. He wants me to have independence. I know that he loves me and wants me to live life to the fullest.

But, that conversation with him yesterday made me feel ten times worse. I'm sick of always feeling like a burden and a duty. Of knowing deep down that the person I love most in the world doesn't believe I will ever be fully self-sufficient. She told me so yesterday when I mentioned what my brother-in-law had said. That just made me feel even worse. I may as well roll over and die. I've basically been told that the only dream I've ever had for my life is not feasible for me to achieve.

What do I do now?

I feel even more defective now than I did before, and I did not even think that was humanly possible.

I feel like giving up. I don't even know where to go for support anymore, because everywhere I try to turn only leads to more hurt. Why was I even allowed to live? I don't know anymore. I'm sick of pain and hurting and feeling defective every day of my life. Knowing that the biggest emotional support in my life doesn't truly believe I'm capable of being self-sufficient....I don't have words for how badly that hurts me. It crushes what little self-confidence I had managed to build.

AAGGHH!!!!

I think I'd feel better without my family sometimes.

Comments

[nenne.livejournal.com]

Do you currently live with your family (parents)?. Could you possibly get a place of your own? Something small, but central, so that using public transport would be possible? I really think you need to get away from them, prove that you can be self-sufficient.

[bleedingangel84.livejournal.com]

I'm currently supposed to be living alone in the house I shared with my father, but my grandmother stays over at night with me and is with me most of the time during the day as well. I wish it was possible to get a place of my own, but no one trusts me to be by myself. And where we live is is so rural that public transport doesn't exist here. I'm honestly not sure what to do about this. I do need to get away from them, but I really doubt they'd let me go, even if I could do that. Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot to me.