![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bleedingangel84I'm having a weird day. Not bad, not good. Just odd.
I read the book Prayers for Bobby on my Kindle yesterday. I finally bought it with a little of my Christmas money from last year. I've been wanting to read it since I found out it existed.
Reading it, I couldn't help identifying with Bobby. Certain things he wrote in his diaries are very similar to things I've thought about myself.
This book broke my heart, but in some ways it gave me hope as well. It's a sad, sad story, but I'm very glad I read it. I feel so much less freakish now. It seems like an odd thing to say. but it's true. Ever since Thanksgiving, in some ways, it feels like I've been afraid of myself. it seems stupid, but I have. Mentally, it's been like I was afraid God was going to banish me to some deep pit. I've been afraid of my own thoughts. It's similar to the year I was 14, but not as bad, thank goodness. My mind nearly broke during that time, and it's taken me ages to start getting somewhere close to normal again.
I think something about thanksgiving with my family triggered deeply unpleasant memories in my psyche. I started to loathe myself again. I felt in some ways (and still feel) like I deserve punishment. I have literally prayed for death recently, just because I felt the need to protect others from myself. Which I realize is stupid and illogical. I would never intentionally hurt anyone if I can help it. I've always tried to keep an open mind and heart. I've always wanted to make the world better, even if it's just in a small way. I do my best to try to help in whatever ways I'm able. I do my best not to judge people. I've always felt that loving them was more important.
No, I am not perfect. There are times I fail and fall short, always. I don't understand why or how I judge myself so harshly for things when forgiving others comes more easily to me.
I'm not sure where this comes from exactly, but I felt the need to get it out.
I read the book Prayers for Bobby on my Kindle yesterday. I finally bought it with a little of my Christmas money from last year. I've been wanting to read it since I found out it existed.
Reading it, I couldn't help identifying with Bobby. Certain things he wrote in his diaries are very similar to things I've thought about myself.
This book broke my heart, but in some ways it gave me hope as well. It's a sad, sad story, but I'm very glad I read it. I feel so much less freakish now. It seems like an odd thing to say. but it's true. Ever since Thanksgiving, in some ways, it feels like I've been afraid of myself. it seems stupid, but I have. Mentally, it's been like I was afraid God was going to banish me to some deep pit. I've been afraid of my own thoughts. It's similar to the year I was 14, but not as bad, thank goodness. My mind nearly broke during that time, and it's taken me ages to start getting somewhere close to normal again.
I think something about thanksgiving with my family triggered deeply unpleasant memories in my psyche. I started to loathe myself again. I felt in some ways (and still feel) like I deserve punishment. I have literally prayed for death recently, just because I felt the need to protect others from myself. Which I realize is stupid and illogical. I would never intentionally hurt anyone if I can help it. I've always tried to keep an open mind and heart. I've always wanted to make the world better, even if it's just in a small way. I do my best to try to help in whatever ways I'm able. I do my best not to judge people. I've always felt that loving them was more important.
No, I am not perfect. There are times I fail and fall short, always. I don't understand why or how I judge myself so harshly for things when forgiving others comes more easily to me.
I'm not sure where this comes from exactly, but I felt the need to get it out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2013-01-03 03:17 am (UTC)Try complimenting yourself now and again. It needn't be anything big. Just something like, "You have a great smile" or "You made a mean piece of toast this morning". Yes, the sillier, the better. It will make you laugh!
no subject
on 2013-01-03 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
on 2013-01-03 08:27 pm (UTC)This one I have saved under "Possibly the funniest fic ever": http://mahaliem.livejournal.com/243081.html
And this is just plain silly and hillarious and wonderful: http://faithwood.livejournal.com/172711.html
Heartwarming, one of my favourites: http://saras-girl.livejournal.com/32274.html
no subject
on 2013-01-04 03:30 pm (UTC)