Surviving myself
Jan. 24th, 2013 11:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bleedingangel84I can't say things are going badly at the moment, but I can't really say that I like my life very much, either. I'm doing okay with most of my resolutions so far.
I suppose that's a plus. I can't find it in me to care about much, honestly
I can't even say for sure this is depression. I've been depressed, and I don't think this is that. It's just that I'm numb. It's like part of me has given up. I'm isolating more often now, which I know is not good, but it's either that or spend time feeling hurt and angry with people I care about, and I'm done letting them manipulate me more than I can help. I don't have the emotional energy to stand up against them.
Every day, it's clear to me that, as much as I'm loved, I'm understood even less. I can't depend on my family for support in that sense. It's not that they wouldn't want to support me, but they don't know how, and I don't know how to explain myself to them.
Sometimes it's like I speak a separate language from them, and they can't understand my words, no matter how hard I try to make them understand.
I wonder if this is how my dad felt.
Sometimes I miss him so much, it's like I can barely breathe.
I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, not harder.
I...don't know.
I look forward to sleeping every day, because when I'm sleeping, everything feels less hectic. I don't have to be a certain way. I can relax and just exist however I am at any given moment. No one says that it's right or wrong. I'm not constantly judging myself and coming up short when I'm asleep, so it feels better.
I'm lonely, but that's pretty much the norm for me. I can't say it's comfortable, but it is how it is. Things could be much worse.
I suppose that's a plus. I can't find it in me to care about much, honestly
I can't even say for sure this is depression. I've been depressed, and I don't think this is that. It's just that I'm numb. It's like part of me has given up. I'm isolating more often now, which I know is not good, but it's either that or spend time feeling hurt and angry with people I care about, and I'm done letting them manipulate me more than I can help. I don't have the emotional energy to stand up against them.
Every day, it's clear to me that, as much as I'm loved, I'm understood even less. I can't depend on my family for support in that sense. It's not that they wouldn't want to support me, but they don't know how, and I don't know how to explain myself to them.
Sometimes it's like I speak a separate language from them, and they can't understand my words, no matter how hard I try to make them understand.
I wonder if this is how my dad felt.
Sometimes I miss him so much, it's like I can barely breathe.
I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, not harder.
I...don't know.
I look forward to sleeping every day, because when I'm sleeping, everything feels less hectic. I don't have to be a certain way. I can relax and just exist however I am at any given moment. No one says that it's right or wrong. I'm not constantly judging myself and coming up short when I'm asleep, so it feels better.
I'm lonely, but that's pretty much the norm for me. I can't say it's comfortable, but it is how it is. Things could be much worse.
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no subject
on 2013-01-26 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
on 2013-01-27 06:10 am (UTC)